我没有这种天份

acceptance is such a difficult thing
and i never stop trying.

i keep thinking of you, random thoughts floating around.
i'm really trying so hard to put you out of my mind
but the harder i try, the harder it becomes
yet, i can't tell anyone, can't form words to express
how i feel about you exactly.
only time will tell...

if only

i missed you today.
if only i knew, what you were doing instead...
if only i knew, if i'll see you in my future...

i wonder if you think of me at all.
if only you did.

and...

you haven't left my thoughts.

bitter\\sweet

my heart was beating so fast, pounding against my chest so hard i could hear it echoing in my ears. my shaking fingers felt so clumsy, beyond my control. my breath caught in my throat and i didn't even realise i had stopped breathing. heart hammering as if begging to be let out. slight trace of tears pricking the back of my eyes. but i just refused to stop. instead, i kept going, some small voice in my head instructing me through the steps. until i couldn't go on any more. i casually looked up, smiled brightly, still shaking hand pushing away my fringe from my face.

"YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!!!" i screamed at myself silently.
but still i keep thinking about you.
how much i want to get to know you.
and i felt and heard my heart break.
because i think there is a more likely chance of me dying a slow torturous death.

and how much i don't want to sound like a freaky stalker!

i'm so afraid, that momo-chan will find out who you are. or all the girls for that matter..
is it so important that you remain a secret, so that no one can burst this bubble??

bad day, bad mood

i admitted to joelle things i feel about you today...
and she made a lot of good points
but thinking about some of them really got my blood boiling.
sigh, i know i should stop here...it's no use...
yet i can't seem to think, to wonder, if you ever saw me here at all.
if you know, that i'm waiting patiently (ok, impatiently) here for you.
the right thing for me to do, is to walk away.
but i can't seem to, it feels so difficult.
so conflicted, my insides are doing weird things...
i'm driving myself crazy =/

你对我来说 你就像天使一样

at this very moment, i feel very sad and somehow burdened.
not knowing what to do...
the future is so uncertain, and i hate not knowing.
i know i need to have trust.
a lot of trust.
sigh, my heart is beating very fast, too fast.
and my eyes are burning, refusing to let the tears surface.
why is it so difficult?
i've made a choice, i need to follow it through.
but it's just so hard..

because of who you are

heart skipping beats,
tummy fluttering,
just unable to tear my eyes off you.
there is something different about you.

i love that...
..you're kind and generous
..you're always so forgiving
..you have so much patience
..you're intelligent and sensitive
..you're not judgemental
..you have a heart for God, and i pray you never lose it

i couldn't help wondering if there's anyone in your life.
or if our paths will ever merge.
am i wondering too much?
wondering too far?
i wonder, why you won't look or speak to me.

i think i'm staring at you too much.
i need to stop thinking and staring and....
and wonder when i'll see you again~~

我也会慢慢走开

today i spent my working hours day dreaming about you.
i know it's so stupid, and i wanted to kill myself for thinking so much about you.
but i just couldn't control my wandering thoughts...
maybe you're the reason i haven't facebook-stalk my eye candies (even though it's been 5 weeks now..time flies)
is it weird, that i don't want to talk about this huge crush of mine?
maybe, i just don't want any judgements..
because, well...because, you mean a lot to me, more than i want to admit.
perhaps, it's for this reason that i just need to let go.
i need to walk away. again.

crushed

i am so conflicted it's just maddening!!!
i hate that i have a crush. a major one!
i think, it's been there for awhile... i just didn't realise that it never went away.
and having a crush is not as rosy or sweet as it sounds, if anything, it's just more painful.
when it's a one-sided attraction, affection, longing (ok that just sounds sleazy -_-), it can only lead to misery =(
especially when he doesn't notice me... (at all)
i think he only knows me as "the-girl-who-keeps-staring-at-me"
or more accurately, "the-girl-who-keeps-stealing-glances-at-me-while-i-pretend-not-to-notice"
like joelle asked, can you really love unconditionally?? especially when it's not being reciprocated?? or that he doesn't know that i'm pining after him??
ok, i exaggerate... i'm not pining.
in fact, i'm preparing myself for a life alone. really! i am!! i just don't think i'll meet someone who would regard me as their other half...
how long do you think i can last being invisible?
yes, it may tear me up inside...but it's better than risking him avoiding him like the plague.
been there, done that, doesn't really feel that good when people bo chap me... (which i hate, by the way..drives me crazy..makes me question everything about me)

sigh.. i'm only 23, that's still pretty young.
yet, i feel that i'm ready to leave..
i'm just sick and tired. it's as if i'm waiting for the world to change.
or at least my life.