song of songs

the original datestamp on this post is 21 October 2007, 10:15pm.
but as you can see, it's now 31 October 2007, 12:45am. long overdue...

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i should have done this earlier...

but reading this now is also appropriate...especially after _____

and so, some things to consider thanks to my study bible to guide me (since i'm without small group)...



- feelings of love can create intimacy that overpowers reason. don't be in a hurry to develop an intmate relationship based on strong feelings, feelings aren't enough to support a lasting relationship. therefore, do not force romance lest the feelings of love grow faster than the commitment needed to make love last. patiently wait for feelings of love and commitment to develop together



- because love is such a powerful expression of feeling and commitment between two people, it is not to be regarded casually. we are not to manipulate others into loving us, and love should not be prematurely encouraged in a relationship



- as you consider marriage, don't just look for physical attractiveness in a person. look for the inner qualities that don't fade with time - spiritual commitment, integrity, sensitivity and sincerity



- careful communication is crucial, don't let walls come between you and your partner. take care of problems while they are still small



- little problems can disturb or destroy a relationship. it is often the "little foxes" that cause the biggest problems in marriage. these irritations must not be minimised or ignored, but identified so that together the couple can deal with them



- never let problems, conflicts, or the ravages of time ruin your ability to enjoy God's gifts. Take time to enjoy the world God has created - celebrate your joy in the creation and in your love



- when you love someone, you will do all you can to ensure the safety of that person and care for his or her needs, even at a cost to your personal comfort. this shows up most often in small actions



- communciating love and expressing admiration both in words and actions can enhance every marriage, intense feelings of love and admiration are universal



- sex without marriage is cheap; it cannot compare with the joy of giving yourself completely to the one who is totally commited to you



- sometimes the familiarity that comes with marriage causes us to forget the overwhelming feelings of love and refreshment we shared at the beginning. do you refresh your spouse or are you a burden of complaints, sorrows, and problems? we should continually work at refreshing each other by an encouraging word, an unexpected gift, a change of pace, a surprise call or note, or even a withholding of a discussion of some problem until the proper time. your spouse needs you to be a haven of refreshment because the rest of the world usually isn't


.....see all the things i have to look forward to?? i just have to be patient ;)

i'm in love with falling in love but at the same time, i also feel that he is showing me in his own way that now is not the right time for me. i get so consumed that sometimes i put falling in love before God. and i truly believe that when i learn to overcome my weaknesses, to completely and wholly love God and put him first in my life, before ALL things, then i will be ready.

and to end, a man who loves God loves his wife (: something i've learnt from my friends

be encouraged in his perfect plan in his perfect timing (",)

the Lord is faithful to all his promises

- Psalms 145:13b

perspectives

meeting up with friends and colleagues...
some tough questions i've had to face and frank opinions given.
and i realise that there are some things i need to let go of, that it's not fair for me to cling on and fall very very far down, down a deep deep hole with no end in sight...............
and yet, i can't, because there are just some things, some little luxuries in life, that i can't live without. but, i still know, deep down in my heart, that i'll be left sad, disappointed, broken once more...'cos there are some things, i just can't have.

hurt, lots of pain, still in pain

i woke up early today (6.45), didn't dawdle around like i usually do in the mornings, got out of the house at 8am. im normally wary of the wet, slippery floor at the void deck when they wash and clean it but somehow, in all my hastiness, thought, i hope the bus isn't going to leave before i get to the bus stop, and the next second, i found myself on my left knee and my right hand on the drain and hurting like hell....



i picked myself up, checked that my precious sass and bide jeans did not get ripped, and then saw my right palm, bleeding.....faint.....i felt woozy just seeing the blood...





so i got to work at 8.30 and busied myself with work before popping over to the doctor at 9.05. doc cleaned and disinfected my wound, applied ointment, and gave me a tetanus booster. she warned that my arm will be sore for the next few days.


it still hurts even now....and my hand is so weak. i have to get JPoh to help me do simple things like getting a pack of drink for me. even stapling my sheets of paper together proved a challenge :( and tonight, after i showered (with much agony), i couldn't even open the bottle of disinfectant! grrr....


feeling extremely frustrated!!!

i hate the routine-ness of life!

i've been catching up a lot since i've been back from aussie trip.

that and working...

working working working.

oh and escaping working.

i got so fed-up on tuesday. and it's so tiring.

by wednesday i was on the brink of a breakdown and just took off at 6.30 -_-

so very exhausted.

oh and i've just remembered my resolution to take it easy and stress less when i get back from my trip.

so much for that...

i guess i've also been feeling pretty lonely without JPoh around :(

i need to get photos up. plenty to come!

drinks tonight @ work.

reminds me of the drinks session i had last thursday with JPoh, darren and andrew

(",)

- wink wink nudge nudge -

.....hungry....

pao and i went to lunch at this new pizza and pasta place at far east square.

yummy-licious!!

but quite expensive...i guess a little indulging here and there is ok.

their pizzas are woodfired which is the only type of pizza i totally LOVE!!!

a few things to get done this weekend.

need to re-organise my room.

more storage space needed.

and...considering a new tv =)

random thoughts of the moment

i've got plenty of updates coming - with pictures too!

just got back from melbourne after spending one night on the goldie. but i'm back on the coast and it's weird that there have been some changes. not much, but just ever so subtle that i wonder, marvel, and sadly reflect that life does go on even without me around...

and after 4 days and nights spent together with my sister, we were once again snappy one second, laughing the next. mum noticed, laughed and commented how some things just never change. (oh and on the side, it's no fun travelling with a grump!)

i'm utterly exhausted - when it's 11pm and my parents are chasing us to sleep (if they're not already sleeping) and my brain is telling me that it's only 9pm in singapore, and then having to wake up at 8am in the morning (at the very latest) when it's 6am in singapore...torturous!!!

i feel so dry. my hair is splitting, my legs scaling, my face feels "tight", and my lips are cracked. moisturise, moisturise, moisturise!!!

and it's cold. so cold that i didn't want to get out of bed and leave the warmth behind. but not cold enough to justify having the heater on. and it makes sense why homes in cold countries have heaters in the bathroom...

but my worries have not left me. granny in hospital. leaving all the work to JPoh (not looking forward to her leaving it all to me when i get back and she goes on vacation). feelings and emotions. most of the time, i think that life will be better if we left emotions out of it. but a life without feelings, dreams, desires...yes, and those passionate feelings of love and happiness and hate and pain and sorrow and frustration and disappointment...is it a life worth living without them?

he didn't see me. didn't look my way. i was standing right in front of him.

what hope?

get over it.

refocus on Him. He sees me through it all.

giant leap

the last few weeks have had me wondering why i'm scared to share some secrets with my darling girls.

so i took a giant leap today and spilled one.
and i'm glad i did because i got some really insightful feedback. future mistakes that have now been averted thanks to Qi [hugs and love] so now my heart has been saved from one less heartbreak and i will continue guarding this heart of mine!
but it did leave me in a state of deep thinking and contemplation that got JPoh really worried. i have so many questions....

15 more days :)

in my life

i'm pretty excited about getting my o2 working again because it means that i can actually take decent photos AND upload them onto my laptop! yay-ness! so the first photos i took were of my workspace...well half my workspace at least...

ok, so it's a little messy but that's cos i've been busy lately so everything just gets thrown onto my desk (especially when i get in in the mornings and just empty the contents of my bag onto my table...). also, the fact that i have absolutely no storage space whatsoever - no cupboards, no drawers -.- and i find the whole writing to do lists and sticking it in front of me really helps! lol

see, i've even separated it into personal and work sections! personal has funky postcards and personal reminders like when dear sinyee and siow wei are on holidays :) and work has various to do lists and how to do lists! and a post-it containing joelle's extension sits in the middle...

when neha was still in singapore, we spent a day visiting the art museum, had lunch at dome, strolled down to raffles hotel and sipped singapore slings, before heading over to bugis for shopping :) some shots i took back then at the hotel with my phone...

and this is my home away from home! see how i use part of my bed as my desk? it's cos my actual desk is so full of crap. and also cos i don't have a proper chair to sit on. ugh, my room is so messy...but it's organised mess! ;)

esther's belated birthday celebration

SO SO HAPPY!!!!

even though dear chris was missed (we were so looking forward to your "sweats" -_-") i had lots of fun catching up with esther and pao (",)

we met up for a belated birthday dinner celebration for esther, kindda surprised her with it...at least i hoped she was pleasantly surprised ;)

lots of laughter as we exchanged news about what's been happening in our lives.

would love to holiday in taiwan with these gals in the near future!

i bought the mango cake from rive gauche, it was equally as good as the sinful guanaja we had for qi's birthday.

pao and i happily sang "happy birthday" though it was done quite quietly! the whole restaurant really didn't need to find out that i can't sing for nuts -.- and at the end of the song, when you do the "hip hip" and then the rest say "hooray" and you're meant to do it 3 times, pao kindda drifted away at the second time....but continued at my insistence! =)

esther's camera is out of action at the moment (don't ever get samsung cameras!) and pao forgot hers. fortunately, my fickle O2 phone has decided to start working again (maybe it was scared of nic and mel) so i could take some snapshots tonight! thank you Lord!!

look how angelic pao looks! ;)

and our funny faces. i have no idea what esther was doing :p

and then i psychoed pao into coming to see Harry Potter 5 with me, the girls and nic tomorrow Hehehe!

and lastly, i didn't really like this last photo cos i look like something out of a B-rated horror movie but i think pao looks CUTE!!!

i'm so thankful to have met and gotten to know these girls through our internship last year :) and to have been reunited with esther after 10years is just...amazing!

Dreaming with a broken heart

I was on the bus, iPod on, stoning. Then I thought of that moment.
Did he see me as he walked past me?
Then came the song "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" by Air Supply. And I wonder, am I just crushing on him and really making love out of nothing at all?
Sad, but true.
He probably doesn't even know my name...doesn't see me standing in front of him...

I'm troubled, frustrated, confused and I can't seem to share this with anyone. Not even my darlings. I've only confided in one friend, and I'm glad I'll be seeing her tmr. I have a lot of things to let out and get off my chest.

I'm praying hard and trusting in God to lead me the right way.
I told Qi and Sinyee how and why it's hard for me to be able to find love, even though it's something my heart desires. I believe I will know when it's love and not infatuation. I know God will use my friends as guides in this aspect as He has done before.
But I still carry this guilt, this heavy burden, this broken heart. And I'm scared.
I truly am dreaming with a broken heart.
Why do I still feel like a prisoner in my life of sin?
And that I'm not worthy of Endless Love?

Only 3.5 weeks until I return home and run into my mummy's arms...I need that now.

Organised!

I finally put my Filofax back to use again. For a short while, I attempted to use my O2 and Outlook to organise my very disorganised life. However, my efforts were proved futile when my O2 decided to die on me. And the Filofax has proved to be most reliable, when updated. So far, I've only managed to record my appointments, I haven't touched my finances yet (and not looking forward to doing that). I will need to be more miserly in the coming months :( which is actually much easier when I just chill/hang out with friends rather than aimless shopping (or window shopping, cos I always end up buying something).

Transformer Friday

I managed to finish all my work on time (I seriously know now that I work better under pressure and stress, even though it's not so good for my health) and rushed down to Cineleisure to meet the early birds, Siow Wei and Sinyee. Collected tickets, wandered around while waiting for Qi to arrive, then bought drinks and popcorn. Our seats were ace (",) and the movie was awesome! I loved it despite earlier doubts. Well, Nic watched it twice...must be at the very least, passable. After the movie, we met Gen (note to Gen: see! I'm nice enough to just call you GEN) and chilled at Maccas at Shaw. Plenty of laughs, as usual, and I'm glad Gen has joined our "family". We also learned an important lesson that night: flagging a taxi on Orchard Road is the fastest way to get a cab.

Dentist? Not today.

Saturday we had a plan to go to the dentist. I had been fretting a little cos I just hate going to the dentist. I mean lying paralysed on a chair while someone pokes, jabs, prods at your open mouth....and the pain and the blood... So, we got to Bishan at 1.30 and the dentist closes at 12.30 -.- so we're attempting another try the coming Saturday. Qi brought me and Gen to eat at her parent's place. SUPER NICE!!!!!! But I was so sad that I could only manage about one-quarter of my bak chor mee because it was SOOO spicy! Eeks... it made me tear :') But I loved the dumplings, have to eat it again soon... :) Afternoon, more chill time at Starbucks and shopping again... I'm seriously going bankrupt soon, really worried. I introduced Siow Wei and Sinyee to one of my favourite humour books: The Book of Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley.

An upsetting encounter at Orchard MRT, but I'm moving past it.

Blessed Sunday

Another wonderful Sunday! I got up bright and early, even though I struggled to wake up. Took Benjamin for Sunday School with Wendy. I'm really starting to get the hang of it but I'm not sure about doing it by myself. Would I be able to cope? I'm still thinking of going into main stream... Pray that He would lead me. Lunch at Fin @ Marina Square, Nicholas' suggestion, Melvin's recommendation. Fish and chips! I haven't had that since leaving Australia and although I've definitely had better, it wasn't bad at all. I'm so proud of myself that I didn't buy anything even though I was dragged once again to Zara and Mango sale. Need more days like this! :) Then we pigged out at Maccas - nuggets (26 pieces in all, shared between 4 gals), fries, Himalayan tea lattes. And that was just before Qi and Sinyee were heading over to relative's for dinner.... I went back to church for the Pastor Jen Huat's 7.30 service, he was pastor at PLMC when I attended when I was little and he still looks the same! The sermon was enriching and I enjoyed the service. It's different from the morning services, lesser people, but still so full of God's love and presence. Somehow, it feels a little more personal, more peaceful, quiet reflection.

Blissfullness

Last night was a Not So Small fellowship - dinner at Teahouse, Raffles City, a bit of a stroll through CityLink and Marina Square, dessert at Azabu Sabo, Marina Square. I always get this warm fuzzy feeling every week when we meet for small group :)

Dessert at Azabu Sabo

Nick, Me, Melvin

Siping, Shuyi, Sharon, Sinyee

Nick, Sinyee, Qi, Me

Us four again, this time under "yellow" lighting (why are we all bending?)

I'm happy again. Truthfully, I think I'm just happy all the time with sad moments here and there lol. Although right now, work is pretty much slowly taking over my life and exhausting me out. I feel my near-perfect eyesight slowly deteriorating from staring at the computer screen almost 10 hours every day. Not to mention when I go home and turn my laptop on (out of habit mostly).

Hmm...I'm glancing around my desk and really, I do have a lot of food stashed here! I could open shop and sell cookies or lollies (plenty of that). I've become such a glutton since starting working life.

Bumped into a friend on Saturday and we promised lunch this week but I've realised how much I've underestimated my "busy-ness" - courses to go to, people to meet...and then there's just the occasional laziness when I don't feel like going out for lunch and fighting over tables with the other lunchers. And the fact that I always forget to bring tissues....

Qi put in a last minute request to join us for the Transformers movie at like 6.30pm after I had made a booking for 3. So I called her up, despite the fact that it's knock-off time and I've still got a bunch of work to do. It was a rather entertaining 20mins chatting to her, or rather whispering to each other, and giggling like schoolgirls while I was clicking away and booking a seat for her next to us (at least I hope I remembered the row correctly.... -_-). The first thing she said, "hello, sharon" in that super sweet voice that I've never heard until that point in time. Then I remembered Gloria telling us about it...LOL so I replied in that same voice "hello, sharon" and erupted into giggles. "Michelle!!!!! SAIIIIIII!!!!!!"

YAAY!!!! In approx 2.5 hours my dear Esther will be back in Singapore, for good!!!! At least she better not go back next sem for masters.....

A 21st invite received last night. It seems so long ago when I was getting 21st invites every other day and I feel like I'm sooo old and then remember that I just turned 21 last year too.

Re-evaluation needed

Front page headline of The Business Times today:

M&A deals in Asia up by 56.4% in H1

It goes on to read that this increase equates to a jump of US199.4 billion from a year ago.

I will definitely apply for that job for a Corporate Finance analyst/associate. I just want to be in the middle of it all, making deals, just being productive. I don't want to be the one stuck here, checking through deals and feeling like my degree is going to waste, even though I didn't put that much effort into my university years.

I need to remember what I came to Singapore for and not lose sight of my dreams.