acceptance is such a difficult thing
and i never stop trying.
i keep thinking of you, random thoughts floating around.
i'm really trying so hard to put you out of my mind
but the harder i try, the harder it becomes
yet, i can't tell anyone, can't form words to express
how i feel about you exactly.
only time will tell...
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Sunday, August 03, 2008
if only
i missed you today.
if only i knew, what you were doing instead...
if only i knew, if i'll see you in my future...
i wonder if you think of me at all.
if only you did.
if only i knew, what you were doing instead...
if only i knew, if i'll see you in my future...
i wonder if you think of me at all.
if only you did.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Friday, August 01, 2008
i fell in love in hk
with this gorgeous PUPPY!!!!
this one is my favourite, though the other two were just as adorable! =)
this one is my favourite, though the other two were just as adorable! =)
SOOOOOOOOOOOO adorable!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
seriously, who can resist this cutie?!?!
see the other puppies behind???
poodles are so intelligent!!
i taught Lucky how to shake hands - who said you couldn't teach old dogs new tricks?!
i really miss Lucky...when we first moved to GC i used to cry when i think of her.
she was the puppy my sister and i were so fearful of (we were only young then)
but we grew to love her...
her excited barks when strangers approach, her affection and love for us.
playing hide & seek with her,
how she would sit quietly while we watched tv.
even daddy loved her, she was the first dog he loved! (prince & max don't come close!)
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
to kill a dead soul
"you make me smile,
you make me laugh,
you make me feel tall,
you make me be who i want to be,
you make me feel smart,
but sometimes also make me feel dumb -_-,
you make me feel smart,
but sometimes also make me feel dumb -_-,
you make me appreciate,
you make me realize,
you make me not forget,
you make me nervous,
you make me sleepless,
you make me not forget,
you make me nervous,
you make me sleepless,
you make me watch Ghost Whisperer at 1 in the morning,
you make me distracted [not optional],
and most of all,
you make me feel loved.
to me, you're God's answer to my prayers.
to me, you're God's answer to my prayers.
to me, you're more than enough."
were they romantic poetic gestures,
or were they empty words to appease a troublesome desperado?
there's so many things i could say right now.
could anybody have saved me from the last year?
time and emotion spent and wasted.
somebody should make me into a hallmark card-warm,fuzzy,loving feelings guaranteed to brighten up your day or put a cheer into your heart.
esad la.
foff.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
bitter\\sweet
my heart was beating so fast, pounding against my chest so hard i could hear it echoing in my ears. my shaking fingers felt so clumsy, beyond my control. my breath caught in my throat and i didn't even realise i had stopped breathing. heart hammering as if begging to be let out. slight trace of tears pricking the back of my eyes. but i just refused to stop. instead, i kept going, some small voice in my head instructing me through the steps. until i couldn't go on any more. i casually looked up, smiled brightly, still shaking hand pushing away my fringe from my face.
"YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!!!" i screamed at myself silently.
but still i keep thinking about you.
how much i want to get to know you.
and i felt and heard my heart break.
because i think there is a more likely chance of me dying a slow torturous death.
and how much i don't want to sound like a freaky stalker!
i'm so afraid, that momo-chan will find out who you are. or all the girls for that matter..
is it so important that you remain a secret, so that no one can burst this bubble??
"YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!!!" i screamed at myself silently.
but still i keep thinking about you.
how much i want to get to know you.
and i felt and heard my heart break.
because i think there is a more likely chance of me dying a slow torturous death.
and how much i don't want to sound like a freaky stalker!
i'm so afraid, that momo-chan will find out who you are. or all the girls for that matter..
is it so important that you remain a secret, so that no one can burst this bubble??
Monday, July 21, 2008
bad day, bad mood
i admitted to joelle things i feel about you today...
and she made a lot of good points
but thinking about some of them really got my blood boiling.
sigh, i know i should stop here...it's no use...
yet i can't seem to think, to wonder, if you ever saw me here at all.
if you know, that i'm waiting patiently (ok, impatiently) here for you.
the right thing for me to do, is to walk away.
but i can't seem to, it feels so difficult.
so conflicted, my insides are doing weird things...
i'm driving myself crazy =/
你对我来说 你就像天使一样
and she made a lot of good points
but thinking about some of them really got my blood boiling.
sigh, i know i should stop here...it's no use...
yet i can't seem to think, to wonder, if you ever saw me here at all.
if you know, that i'm waiting patiently (ok, impatiently) here for you.
the right thing for me to do, is to walk away.
but i can't seem to, it feels so difficult.
so conflicted, my insides are doing weird things...
i'm driving myself crazy =/
你对我来说 你就像天使一样
my future decided
i've been fretting over applying to jp for the last week.
it's one big thing that has been driving me crazy!
not knowing if it's the right move to make.
i really like where i am right now, especially the part where i will have opportunities to travel!
but i know, it's all in his hands and i just need to trust him to guide the way.
if it's in his will for my life then it will surely happen.
otherwise, then he must have more awesome plans for me!
he knows all and my future has been planned already :)
it's one big thing that has been driving me crazy!
not knowing if it's the right move to make.
i really like where i am right now, especially the part where i will have opportunities to travel!
but i know, it's all in his hands and i just need to trust him to guide the way.
if it's in his will for my life then it will surely happen.
otherwise, then he must have more awesome plans for me!
he knows all and my future has been planned already :)
Sunday, July 20, 2008
at this very moment, i feel very sad and somehow burdened.
not knowing what to do...
the future is so uncertain, and i hate not knowing.
i know i need to have trust.
a lot of trust.
sigh, my heart is beating very fast, too fast.
and my eyes are burning, refusing to let the tears surface.
why is it so difficult?
i've made a choice, i need to follow it through.
but it's just so hard..
not knowing what to do...
the future is so uncertain, and i hate not knowing.
i know i need to have trust.
a lot of trust.
sigh, my heart is beating very fast, too fast.
and my eyes are burning, refusing to let the tears surface.
why is it so difficult?
i've made a choice, i need to follow it through.
but it's just so hard..
because of who you are
heart skipping beats,
tummy fluttering,
just unable to tear my eyes off you.
there is something different about you.
i love that...
..you're kind and generous
..you're always so forgiving
..you have so much patience
..you're intelligent and sensitive
..you're not judgemental
..you have a heart for God, and i pray you never lose it
i couldn't help wondering if there's anyone in your life.
or if our paths will ever merge.
am i wondering too much?
wondering too far?
i wonder, why you won't look or speak to me.
i think i'm staring at you too much.
i need to stop thinking and staring and....
and wonder when i'll see you again~~
tummy fluttering,
just unable to tear my eyes off you.
there is something different about you.
i love that...
..you're kind and generous
..you're always so forgiving
..you have so much patience
..you're intelligent and sensitive
..you're not judgemental
..you have a heart for God, and i pray you never lose it
i couldn't help wondering if there's anyone in your life.
or if our paths will ever merge.
am i wondering too much?
wondering too far?
i wonder, why you won't look or speak to me.
i think i'm staring at you too much.
i need to stop thinking and staring and....
and wonder when i'll see you again~~
Saturday, July 19, 2008
it goes on...
life moves along. sure enough, it does. no matter how hard you try to hang on to every last bit of the past, life goes on. and soon enough, sooner than expected, you forget the past. the memories fades along the edges and you can't quite remember how or what. sweet memories that had turned bitter are now forgotten, something you think you remember sometimes.
and perhaps, this is what you've wished for all along. it is what you've prayed for.
now, it's beyond regret that you want to remember.
but still, the heart hurts...
and perhaps, this is what you've wished for all along. it is what you've prayed for.
now, it's beyond regret that you want to remember.
but still, the heart hurts...
Friday, July 18, 2008
我也会慢慢走开
today i spent my working hours day dreaming about you.
i know it's so stupid, and i wanted to kill myself for thinking so much about you.
but i just couldn't control my wandering thoughts...
maybe you're the reason i haven't facebook-stalk my eye candies (even though it's been 5 weeks now..time flies)
is it weird, that i don't want to talk about this huge crush of mine?
maybe, i just don't want any judgements..
because, well...because, you mean a lot to me, more than i want to admit.
perhaps, it's for this reason that i just need to let go.
i need to walk away. again.
i know it's so stupid, and i wanted to kill myself for thinking so much about you.
but i just couldn't control my wandering thoughts...
maybe you're the reason i haven't facebook-stalk my eye candies (even though it's been 5 weeks now..time flies)
is it weird, that i don't want to talk about this huge crush of mine?
maybe, i just don't want any judgements..
because, well...because, you mean a lot to me, more than i want to admit.
perhaps, it's for this reason that i just need to let go.
i need to walk away. again.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
crushed
i am so conflicted it's just maddening!!!
i hate that i have a crush. a major one!
i think, it's been there for awhile... i just didn't realise that it never went away.
and having a crush is not as rosy or sweet as it sounds, if anything, it's just more painful.
when it's a one-sided attraction, affection, longing (ok that just sounds sleazy -_-), it can only lead to misery =(
especially when he doesn't notice me... (at all)
i think he only knows me as "the-girl-who-keeps-staring-at-me"
or more accurately, "the-girl-who-keeps-stealing-glances-at-me-while-i-pretend-not-to-notice"
like joelle asked, can you really love unconditionally?? especially when it's not being reciprocated?? or that he doesn't know that i'm pining after him??
ok, i exaggerate... i'm not pining.
in fact, i'm preparing myself for a life alone. really! i am!! i just don't think i'll meet someone who would regard me as their other half...
how long do you think i can last being invisible?
yes, it may tear me up inside...but it's better than risking him avoiding him like the plague.
been there, done that, doesn't really feel that good when people bo chap me... (which i hate, by the way..drives me crazy..makes me question everything about me)
sigh.. i'm only 23, that's still pretty young.
yet, i feel that i'm ready to leave..
i'm just sick and tired. it's as if i'm waiting for the world to change.
or at least my life.
i hate that i have a crush. a major one!
i think, it's been there for awhile... i just didn't realise that it never went away.
and having a crush is not as rosy or sweet as it sounds, if anything, it's just more painful.
when it's a one-sided attraction, affection, longing (ok that just sounds sleazy -_-), it can only lead to misery =(
especially when he doesn't notice me... (at all)
i think he only knows me as "the-girl-who-keeps-staring-at-me"
or more accurately, "the-girl-who-keeps-stealing-glances-at-me-while-i-pretend-not-to-notice"
like joelle asked, can you really love unconditionally?? especially when it's not being reciprocated?? or that he doesn't know that i'm pining after him??
ok, i exaggerate... i'm not pining.
in fact, i'm preparing myself for a life alone. really! i am!! i just don't think i'll meet someone who would regard me as their other half...
how long do you think i can last being invisible?
yes, it may tear me up inside...but it's better than risking him avoiding him like the plague.
been there, done that, doesn't really feel that good when people bo chap me... (which i hate, by the way..drives me crazy..makes me question everything about me)
sigh.. i'm only 23, that's still pretty young.
yet, i feel that i'm ready to leave..
i'm just sick and tired. it's as if i'm waiting for the world to change.
or at least my life.
Monday, July 14, 2008
cos u had a bad day
i made myself almost cry at work today.
and it's the silliest thing...
but those words, not even directed at me, still hurts..
because i knew, have always known, will always know
it's frustrating because i know better, but i still feel:
not worthy, and not good enough.
and it's the silliest thing...
but those words, not even directed at me, still hurts..
because i knew, have always known, will always know
it's frustrating because i know better, but i still feel:
not worthy, and not good enough.
monday blues
SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!!!!!!
i walked around like a zombie today. almost fell asleep on the bus, on the train, at work...
but as soon as i collapsed on my bed, the need to fall asleep disappears -_-
and guess what i had for dinner?? .... yup, MOS burger...again!!
woke up with that wretched sore throat again, which disappeared by lunch time.
but that was replaced by nauseousness that made me grateful the toilets are not far away.
my ipod is giving me the s**ts and i need to get it fixed (before hk trip).
and when i was queuing up to order my MOS, the guy in front of me left and just as i was about to step forward, this freakin' chinese (as in chee-nahhhhh) girl who was lining up at the queue beside mine barged her way in front of me!!!!!!
i mean i've heard about the inconsidereate-ness and lack of social etiquette in their country but this is singapore!!!!! hello???? when in rome....????? never heard of that one?!?!?!?!
i can't express how super duper irritated i was and it took every ounce of energy i had left in me not to snap at her or GLARE at her ;(
sigh...and since yesterday afternoon i have somehow spiralled into a depressive emo state, and i wonder what happend to the happy, confident me that had been jumping around for the last 2-3 weeks...
less than 2 more weeks...
all happiness will be mine =)
i'm counting down!
i walked around like a zombie today. almost fell asleep on the bus, on the train, at work...
but as soon as i collapsed on my bed, the need to fall asleep disappears -_-
and guess what i had for dinner?? .... yup, MOS burger...again!!
woke up with that wretched sore throat again, which disappeared by lunch time.
but that was replaced by nauseousness that made me grateful the toilets are not far away.
my ipod is giving me the s**ts and i need to get it fixed (before hk trip).
and when i was queuing up to order my MOS, the guy in front of me left and just as i was about to step forward, this freakin' chinese (as in chee-nahhhhh) girl who was lining up at the queue beside mine barged her way in front of me!!!!!!
i mean i've heard about the inconsidereate-ness and lack of social etiquette in their country but this is singapore!!!!! hello???? when in rome....????? never heard of that one?!?!?!?!
i can't express how super duper irritated i was and it took every ounce of energy i had left in me not to snap at her or GLARE at her ;(
sigh...and since yesterday afternoon i have somehow spiralled into a depressive emo state, and i wonder what happend to the happy, confident me that had been jumping around for the last 2-3 weeks...
less than 2 more weeks...
all happiness will be mine =)
i'm counting down!
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
the 9th of july
today bordered on depression.
and i wondered why...
then i remembered.
today is the 9th of july.
and i still remember.
sigh.
:'(
and i wondered why...
then i remembered.
today is the 9th of july.
and i still remember.
sigh.
:'(
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
smell whinge #2
some people should be more considerate...
especially when watsons, guardian AND 7-11 don't sell air fresheners!!!
this close to murdering someone...
especially when watsons, guardian AND 7-11 don't sell air fresheners!!!
this close to murdering someone...
missed
starbucks paragon.
epiphanies were made,
mysteries of life unravelled,
friendships for life built.
really have missed those times spent there.
and have had another lovely coffee session tonight!
i wonder if my crazy stories are still entertaining...??? LOL
but not emo emo music tonight! haha..
i'm still full...
but can't wait to eat my MAMEE!
hmm...
just thinking about the seasoning...
and the incident...
Monday, July 07, 2008
something to say:
I HATE YOU!
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
ok. glad i got that out of my system.
*phew...
seriously couldn't stand the STENCH.
AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
*dead*
Friday, July 04, 2008
the Heart of the Matter
it's friday night and i'm finally home!!!
this whole week i haven't been home before 10 =/
working late, catching up with friends... i've been so busy.
but no regrets! only wished we had more time to keep talking...
i've really been so blessed to have basked in the love and honesty of my treasured friends! :)
and now at work, i can use my own log-in and email joelle, jane and adrian all day!
oh but i've wandered away from my purpose of this post!
i started loving india.arie about 2-3 years ago
and although, this song is just a cover, but i love it just the same :)
the Heart of the Matter
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm
I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore
and perhaps, there is more reason as to why i'm loving this song... :)
this whole week i haven't been home before 10 =/
working late, catching up with friends... i've been so busy.
but no regrets! only wished we had more time to keep talking...
i've really been so blessed to have basked in the love and honesty of my treasured friends! :)
and now at work, i can use my own log-in and email joelle, jane and adrian all day!
oh but i've wandered away from my purpose of this post!
i started loving india.arie about 2-3 years ago
and although, this song is just a cover, but i love it just the same :)
the Heart of the Matter
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm
I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside
I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore
and perhaps, there is more reason as to why i'm loving this song... :)
Thursday, July 03, 2008
laughter is the best medicine!
i made him laugh, he made me laugh...laugh so hard and so much i had tears rolling down my face!
laughed til we both, tired as we were, suddenly feeling so awake and high!
and both wishing the other goodnight...but half an hour later, we're both on msn, accusing each other of not sleeping!!
well, you better NOT breathe a word of what i revealed tonight otherwise we're BOTH dead!!!
as for that $10, i'm afraid to tell you that...you probably won't ever see it again. i'm so sorry... but it's really not my fault that you were so kind to him!
laughed til we both, tired as we were, suddenly feeling so awake and high!
and both wishing the other goodnight...but half an hour later, we're both on msn, accusing each other of not sleeping!!
well, you better NOT breathe a word of what i revealed tonight otherwise we're BOTH dead!!!
as for that $10, i'm afraid to tell you that...you probably won't ever see it again. i'm so sorry... but it's really not my fault that you were so kind to him!
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
sleep
i need sleep! i need rest!
yet it's so difficult.
i would wake in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, a habit i never used to have.
and thoughts that are both painful and hurtful would haunt me. tears would soak my pillow.
wake up early in the morning, i try to close my eyes and get more sleep. but i end up just waiting for my alarm to ring.
sigh... sleep sleep sleep. i need it so badly.
yet it's so difficult.
i would wake in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, a habit i never used to have.
and thoughts that are both painful and hurtful would haunt me. tears would soak my pillow.
wake up early in the morning, i try to close my eyes and get more sleep. but i end up just waiting for my alarm to ring.
sigh... sleep sleep sleep. i need it so badly.
the missing piece
i'm so grateful for that short conversation we had on sunday night.
almost afraid that we weren't going to have a chance to talk at all.
but you didn't disappoint, i knew you would talk to me and you did :)
thank you, because no one else would understand as well as you...because i never told anyone what happened the last time. and it was never brought up again.
when everything resurfaced again, the hurt i felt the first time, fiona told me i needed to first forgive, only then can i let go and perhaps not be so bothered now.
i know, circumstances are different now.
i just miss having you close.
i know that if i'm wrong, or have misjudged, you would let me know too.
that even now, as my anger just gets fueled more and more, you would have the words to reason with me.
and though i feel at such a loss and burdened and weighed down with sorrow, you would only have to sigh softly and i would know that you would do anything to take away the pain.
if only you were here...
almost afraid that we weren't going to have a chance to talk at all.
but you didn't disappoint, i knew you would talk to me and you did :)
thank you, because no one else would understand as well as you...because i never told anyone what happened the last time. and it was never brought up again.
when everything resurfaced again, the hurt i felt the first time, fiona told me i needed to first forgive, only then can i let go and perhaps not be so bothered now.
i know, circumstances are different now.
i just miss having you close.
i know that if i'm wrong, or have misjudged, you would let me know too.
that even now, as my anger just gets fueled more and more, you would have the words to reason with me.
and though i feel at such a loss and burdened and weighed down with sorrow, you would only have to sigh softly and i would know that you would do anything to take away the pain.
if only you were here...
Saturday, June 28, 2008
hmm...
monday night. he told me he had learnt to play a new song.
so he played it for me. over msn.
*secretly smiling*
gloria, you know.... ;) OH! but just on a side note that is completely unrelated to this post, gloria...i have a confession that i cannot hold in anymore!!! hehehe.... perth indeed....
so he played it for me. over msn.
*secretly smiling*
gloria, you know.... ;) OH! but just on a side note that is completely unrelated to this post, gloria...i have a confession that i cannot hold in anymore!!! hehehe.... perth indeed....
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
something's wrong
i seriously don't know what exactly is wrong but i've been feeling seriously off for more than a week now.
thank God that i've recovered from the stupid chest infection BUT for some reason, my throat will randomly feel itchy and the cough that follows is really horrible...so bad that i end up vomiting :( then there are days when i wake up and my tummy hurts and i'd have the urge to vomit. and i've been feeling hungry and eating so much lately =/ late night binge eating...on junk food too! ugh....sooo bad...
then there's the insomnia... i'd gone to bed really late (or early depends how u see it) on sunday night after a VERY long day out and was super exhausted, had a headache, stomache and backache! only to wake up at 3.30am and realised i had been dreaming about past&future and without even realising it, i was crying and all i could think was: "oh no...crying and sleeping is not good! i'm gonna get terrible eyebags!"
and i've been so freaking mad the last few days!!
i was angry and yet i kept it in, refusing to give up, knowing the days are numbered when i'll have time.
but again and again i've been let down and i just couldn't hold it in anymore.
i needed to vent.
how unfair life seems to be to me.
and yet i know, reminded by the other huang xiao jie, that i need to learn to let go, to relax, to not take things so personally.
slowly, things are getting better... i took a huge leap today (despite several crazy wild uniquely michelle diversions).
thank God that i've recovered from the stupid chest infection BUT for some reason, my throat will randomly feel itchy and the cough that follows is really horrible...so bad that i end up vomiting :( then there are days when i wake up and my tummy hurts and i'd have the urge to vomit. and i've been feeling hungry and eating so much lately =/ late night binge eating...on junk food too! ugh....sooo bad...
then there's the insomnia... i'd gone to bed really late (or early depends how u see it) on sunday night after a VERY long day out and was super exhausted, had a headache, stomache and backache! only to wake up at 3.30am and realised i had been dreaming about past&future and without even realising it, i was crying and all i could think was: "oh no...crying and sleeping is not good! i'm gonna get terrible eyebags!"
and i've been so freaking mad the last few days!!
i was angry and yet i kept it in, refusing to give up, knowing the days are numbered when i'll have time.
but again and again i've been let down and i just couldn't hold it in anymore.
i needed to vent.
how unfair life seems to be to me.
and yet i know, reminded by the other huang xiao jie, that i need to learn to let go, to relax, to not take things so personally.
slowly, things are getting better... i took a huge leap today (despite several crazy wild uniquely michelle diversions).
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
thoughts for the day
had lunch with mummy's very long-time friend today and it brought some perspective back into my life...
one thing that was brought up was the fact that i need to go back to australia...within the next 3 years (if i want to retain my PR or take up citizenship). at this point, i really don't know... should i or shouldn't i? i have about 1.5 years to think about it.
why 1.5 years? because my sister will graduate at that time, and then i will follow her (or she follows me). sydney? melbourne? singapore? london? new york? or....(dare i dream?!)... switzerland?!
but really, honestly, i don't know where i want to go or what i want to do...
sigh...i really feel that i have so much pressure and expectation that is put on me, because i'm my mother's daughter. feels like there is no room for failure.
but i have been really thinking, regardless of how old i feel, i'm actually still young!! i can change careers without fear, i still have confidence (or at least able to fake it), the world is my oyster!
just on the weekend, i was catching up with my BFF from uni and she was asking me if i was enjoying the single life. my answer went something like "not enjoying but accepting". but i've been thinking about it a bit and not being attached gives me freedom of choice of what i plan to do with my life. ie, i don't have to plan my life around his! and that lead to more thinking! like, i don't need to be attached. what were my reasons for getting in a relationship?! intimacy?! but then, of course, many times this year i've been reminded not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom 12:2) and for me, personally, in the area of relationships, is to honour God, which really more than anything relates to the area of physical intimacy. so, i'm really ok at this point with being single, and when the right person comes along.... prayerfully, physical intimacy will not be a hurdle too high in our relationship. if you think about it, being single is really preserving my honour too LOL. well, when i decided to take up the cross and live a life that puts God first, i knew that he had forgiven my past and accepting that forgiveness wasn't easy, i was often haunted, only too aware that being human, there was a chance that i would fall back to the old life. BUT this is a good reminder for me and my fellow brothers & sisters in Christ and all my friends in sg and au that perhaps we should take a step back and re-evaluate what relationships are really meant to be (forever or right now?), WHY we're in the relationship (if we are) and ask, is your relationship Christ-centered? (which doesn't just mean that you pray together or do devotions together or go to church together or serve in ministry together... does your WHOLE relationship glorify God? or would you hide like adam and eve?) BUT above all, what i have learnt is to seek the love of a forgiving father.
anyways, this is as much as i can get out right now... am very tired and sleepy! but i've made it past mid-week and God has granted me lots of strength and energy :) don't feel as tired as easily and quickly! 2 more days til the weekend! hope to spend lots of time with all my friends! have people i want to catch up with and spend lots of time with before they leave me again ;) oh! and Christine will be in HK same time as me! wow, another friend there! it's gonna be one crazy holiday and i absolutely can't wait!!!
one thing that was brought up was the fact that i need to go back to australia...within the next 3 years (if i want to retain my PR or take up citizenship). at this point, i really don't know... should i or shouldn't i? i have about 1.5 years to think about it.
why 1.5 years? because my sister will graduate at that time, and then i will follow her (or she follows me). sydney? melbourne? singapore? london? new york? or....(dare i dream?!)... switzerland?!
but really, honestly, i don't know where i want to go or what i want to do...
sigh...i really feel that i have so much pressure and expectation that is put on me, because i'm my mother's daughter. feels like there is no room for failure.
but i have been really thinking, regardless of how old i feel, i'm actually still young!! i can change careers without fear, i still have confidence (or at least able to fake it), the world is my oyster!
just on the weekend, i was catching up with my BFF from uni and she was asking me if i was enjoying the single life. my answer went something like "not enjoying but accepting". but i've been thinking about it a bit and not being attached gives me freedom of choice of what i plan to do with my life. ie, i don't have to plan my life around his! and that lead to more thinking! like, i don't need to be attached. what were my reasons for getting in a relationship?! intimacy?! but then, of course, many times this year i've been reminded not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom 12:2) and for me, personally, in the area of relationships, is to honour God, which really more than anything relates to the area of physical intimacy. so, i'm really ok at this point with being single, and when the right person comes along.... prayerfully, physical intimacy will not be a hurdle too high in our relationship. if you think about it, being single is really preserving my honour too LOL. well, when i decided to take up the cross and live a life that puts God first, i knew that he had forgiven my past and accepting that forgiveness wasn't easy, i was often haunted, only too aware that being human, there was a chance that i would fall back to the old life. BUT this is a good reminder for me and my fellow brothers & sisters in Christ and all my friends in sg and au that perhaps we should take a step back and re-evaluate what relationships are really meant to be (forever or right now?), WHY we're in the relationship (if we are) and ask, is your relationship Christ-centered? (which doesn't just mean that you pray together or do devotions together or go to church together or serve in ministry together... does your WHOLE relationship glorify God? or would you hide like adam and eve?) BUT above all, what i have learnt is to seek the love of a forgiving father.
anyways, this is as much as i can get out right now... am very tired and sleepy! but i've made it past mid-week and God has granted me lots of strength and energy :) don't feel as tired as easily and quickly! 2 more days til the weekend! hope to spend lots of time with all my friends! have people i want to catch up with and spend lots of time with before they leave me again ;) oh! and Christine will be in HK same time as me! wow, another friend there! it's gonna be one crazy holiday and i absolutely can't wait!!!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Hate That I Love You
Rihanna
That’s how much I love you
That’s how much I need you
And I can’t stand ya
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like it for awhile
No.. but you won’t let me
You upset me girl, then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset
Can’t remember what you did
Well I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long, that’s wrong
Girl, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more
So I despise that I adore
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I
Love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain’t right
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me
That’s how much I love you
That’s how much I need you
And I can’t stand ya
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like it for awhile
No.. but you won’t let me
You upset me girl, then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset
Can’t remember what you did
Well I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long, that’s wrong
Girl, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more
So I despise that I adore
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I
Love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain’t right
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me
Bleeding Love
Leona Lewis
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding...
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
tai tai for a day
and i really felt like i was!
firstly, took my time to wake up this morning before leisurely getting dressed to meet Jane for lunch. it had been such a long time since we had met up (ok, before i left for my trip so not that long). there were quite alot to catch up on...
and after lunch was over, AC was still stuck at training and was bored senseless... berating me via sms and suggesting that i go look for his friend *ahem* and after he was done, i was already at dhoby ghaut!
went to the cathay and got a mani/pedi :) very relaxing. and then after that it was coffee with Fiona before meeting up with the rest of the girls for quick dinner and then to catch a movie: Sex and the City!
it was an awesome movie! totally loved it =) and how true it is that girls are smart...until they fall in love. we're all fools in love. love blinds. etc. etc. and i'm also sorry to say this but life isn't like in the movies... there are no fairy tale endings, you're not guaranteed to get your boy back.
anyway, to end this post of, i have come to the conclusion that i am so not tai tai material! i need to do things, keep busy...
but i think when i have kids, it will be different. it's weird, as much as i am ambitious, i also want to be involved in raising my children. it's important to be in their lives, no use regretting that you had missed out on their childhood just because you were too busy bringing in the dough. of course, not every situation is ideal as that. but sometimes, you have to make sacrifices... and God provides!
firstly, took my time to wake up this morning before leisurely getting dressed to meet Jane for lunch. it had been such a long time since we had met up (ok, before i left for my trip so not that long). there were quite alot to catch up on...
and after lunch was over, AC was still stuck at training and was bored senseless... berating me via sms and suggesting that i go look for his friend *ahem* and after he was done, i was already at dhoby ghaut!
went to the cathay and got a mani/pedi :) very relaxing. and then after that it was coffee with Fiona before meeting up with the rest of the girls for quick dinner and then to catch a movie: Sex and the City!
it was an awesome movie! totally loved it =) and how true it is that girls are smart...until they fall in love. we're all fools in love. love blinds. etc. etc. and i'm also sorry to say this but life isn't like in the movies... there are no fairy tale endings, you're not guaranteed to get your boy back.
anyway, to end this post of, i have come to the conclusion that i am so not tai tai material! i need to do things, keep busy...
but i think when i have kids, it will be different. it's weird, as much as i am ambitious, i also want to be involved in raising my children. it's important to be in their lives, no use regretting that you had missed out on their childhood just because you were too busy bringing in the dough. of course, not every situation is ideal as that. but sometimes, you have to make sacrifices... and God provides!
Sunday, June 08, 2008
perth experience [27-29 May 2008]
it's the people who make your time spent memorable
and i enjoyed every single moment i spent in perth!
did you know that it's almost exactly the same distance (and hence, time) to travel from Brisbane to Perth as it is from Perth to Singapore?!!
that is, almost 4000km and 5.5hrs...
the touchdown
well... my flight had been delayed in Brisbane due to a number of factors...
if only i had known then i could have spent a little more time with Chris
who, btw, i found rather student-ish looking (read, dishevelled and looked like he just woke up. it was noon)
my first time in the Brisbane domestic terminal!!
hmm...ok, unnecessary excitement...
the flight was rather uneventful, which i spent with my iPod.
BUT i was super excited to see MISS PHUA again!
the girl didn't reply my texts but i hoped she got it...
and she did! hehe!
she tried to surprise me by hiding behind some trolleys but, sorry gal! i spotted you first! LOL!
we refused to pay the $4 for a trolley and so GP being all heroic, attempted to carry my super heavy (17kg) bag to her car.
i suggested that i wait for her outside the airport while she gets the car instead. (it was really heavy)
we had fun trying to get it up the stairs... or rather, GP had fun bringing it up the stairs!
a bit of rest and then GP brought me to dinner and movie with her friends :)
dinner at mahsuri, which had pretty good satays! and then went to see Indiana Jones which totally sucked
found Gelare which was next to the cinema, and thanks to the whole experience of perth and the company, now when i walk past a Gelare in Singapore, i think of perth!
after that, had supper at a 24-hr diner!!! LOL where i was first introduced to the game Bang!
GP tried to teach me then passed the duty over to Ian when she "died" hehe...
it was a fun night and, GP: your friends are awesome! :)
cold, wet day
we had it all planned! we were going to Rottnest and snorkel and tan and and and.... it wasn't meant to be!
overcast, cloudy, sprinkles of showers, cold.
so with little choice, we decided on breaky at King's Park, mini shopping trip in Perth city, then down to Swan Valley for wine and chocolate!
and then....dinner at the very raved-about Ciao Italia! the food and company were great, although Sarah and Gloria made a boo-boo ordering... waiter must have thought we really like the Ciao Italia sauce! ROFL! and poor Gabriel and the prawns...
so after dinner.... it was more food!!! went to Moon Cafe where we had fries and perhaps one of the best mud cake in Aussie-land! and i played Bang! this time around LOL! it was definitely lots of fun, trying to decide who to kill off first...hmm decisions decisions! and miss phua making fun of me lining my cards up neatly ;(
really wished i could have spent more time in perth.. there were so many things i wanted to do and try... like the CHILLI MUSSELS and going to Rottnest and going down south and trying the ice thing with the cute penguins!!! sighzzz...
sunny but sad
ironically, the day i leave it's sunny like crazy!!
we dropped Gina off for her early morning exam and went to Scaborough for a relaxing breakfast at Dome.
i'm really such a coastie, i feel so much at home when i'm by the beach, when i can see the open ocean against the mountainous backdrop...
after Gina's exam we had yum cha for lunch! and it was THE BEST egg custard i have ever had!
next stop was the airport... really sad for me to be leaving... back to reality and life and things that i cannot keep avoiding...
but before i left.... Gloria says i have to try the lime cake at Dome! so a rather quick bite at the airport and then it was hugs and byes... til we meet again!
really thanks to Gloria for feeding me so much while i was in Perth!
swan spotting \ indiana jones \ after breaky
and i enjoyed every single moment i spent in perth!
did you know that it's almost exactly the same distance (and hence, time) to travel from Brisbane to Perth as it is from Perth to Singapore?!!
that is, almost 4000km and 5.5hrs...
the touchdown
well... my flight had been delayed in Brisbane due to a number of factors...
if only i had known then i could have spent a little more time with Chris
who, btw, i found rather student-ish looking (read, dishevelled and looked like he just woke up. it was noon)
my first time in the Brisbane domestic terminal!!
hmm...ok, unnecessary excitement...
the flight was rather uneventful, which i spent with my iPod.
BUT i was super excited to see MISS PHUA again!
the girl didn't reply my texts but i hoped she got it...
and she did! hehe!
she tried to surprise me by hiding behind some trolleys but, sorry gal! i spotted you first! LOL!
we refused to pay the $4 for a trolley and so GP being all heroic, attempted to carry my super heavy (17kg) bag to her car.
i suggested that i wait for her outside the airport while she gets the car instead. (it was really heavy)
we had fun trying to get it up the stairs... or rather, GP had fun bringing it up the stairs!
a bit of rest and then GP brought me to dinner and movie with her friends :)
dinner at mahsuri, which had pretty good satays! and then went to see Indiana Jones which totally sucked
found Gelare which was next to the cinema, and thanks to the whole experience of perth and the company, now when i walk past a Gelare in Singapore, i think of perth!
after that, had supper at a 24-hr diner!!! LOL where i was first introduced to the game Bang!
GP tried to teach me then passed the duty over to Ian when she "died" hehe...
it was a fun night and, GP: your friends are awesome! :)
cold, wet day
we had it all planned! we were going to Rottnest and snorkel and tan and and and.... it wasn't meant to be!
overcast, cloudy, sprinkles of showers, cold.
so with little choice, we decided on breaky at King's Park, mini shopping trip in Perth city, then down to Swan Valley for wine and chocolate!
and then....dinner at the very raved-about Ciao Italia! the food and company were great, although Sarah and Gloria made a boo-boo ordering... waiter must have thought we really like the Ciao Italia sauce! ROFL! and poor Gabriel and the prawns...
so after dinner.... it was more food!!! went to Moon Cafe where we had fries and perhaps one of the best mud cake in Aussie-land! and i played Bang! this time around LOL! it was definitely lots of fun, trying to decide who to kill off first...hmm decisions decisions! and miss phua making fun of me lining my cards up neatly ;(
really wished i could have spent more time in perth.. there were so many things i wanted to do and try... like the CHILLI MUSSELS and going to Rottnest and going down south and trying the ice thing with the cute penguins!!! sighzzz...
sunny but sad
ironically, the day i leave it's sunny like crazy!!
we dropped Gina off for her early morning exam and went to Scaborough for a relaxing breakfast at Dome.
i'm really such a coastie, i feel so much at home when i'm by the beach, when i can see the open ocean against the mountainous backdrop...
after Gina's exam we had yum cha for lunch! and it was THE BEST egg custard i have ever had!
next stop was the airport... really sad for me to be leaving... back to reality and life and things that i cannot keep avoiding...
but before i left.... Gloria says i have to try the lime cake at Dome! so a rather quick bite at the airport and then it was hugs and byes... til we meet again!
really thanks to Gloria for feeding me so much while i was in Perth!
but the best part was that I enjoyed every single second spent with Gloria! i miss you gal... we should spend more quality time like this when you get back!! (and you better be back soon!)
swan spotting \ indiana jones \ after breakyswan spotting \ bubble tea \ by the vineyards
relaxing at scaborough beach \ random surfer volunteered to take a photo for us \ in the car with bluey and pinky *hee*
good times with Gloria's friends (",)
our wonderful breakfast time & catching up with news by Scaborough beach
Saturday, June 07, 2008
priceless...
procrastinating and found these snippets with "All Out Of Love" playing in the background
Dear Heart
I met a boy today,
prepare to shatter
Broken Hearts
Shattered Lies
Everything always goes great until you believe a lie
You said you LOVED me
....WHAT A LIE
i see the way you look at her & i'd be lyin' if i said i didn't hurt
a heart so big it hurts like hell
Bottle up your old love,
throw it out to sea
and watch it float away
as you cry
Our
Love Song
has come to
An End...
You hurt me
So much
When all I
Ever did was
Love you
hours go by before she looks at me.
she breaks my heart
the one guy that i love...
doesn't know that i love him...
if he only knew
since the first time we met
i knew you'd be hard to forget
like a broken mirror.
my heart can't fix itself
what else do you want?? i'm bleeding for you...
isn't that ENOUGH!?!
i hate looking back at old photographs with me and a boy in it
it's heavy and it hurts. it's love.
i just want one guy to prove me that they're not all the same...
& so it is the shorter story. no love, no glory, no hero in her sky
i remember when we LOVED each other.
...Remember?
you don't care.
you're still the one i'm waiting for.
I'm 99% sure he doesn't like me.
It's the 1% that keeps me hanging on.
you're the one i just can't live without
i miss you less each day you're gone
love is like war
easy to start
hard to end
impossible to forget
Friday, June 06, 2008
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Church Camp 2008
There is a plan for me.
So, I spent 2.5 weeks in Australia and got myself some perspective.
And then, I came back to reality... Actually, no, I went to Church Camp!
Honestly, I was really scared...
But I'm really glad I didn't back out (really, mainly thanks to someone who shall not be named).
I had a really good time getting to know the kids and there were so many things that happened to me during the camp that I knew I was meant to be there.
And I really fell in love with the kids :)
on the bus to Malacca
really yummy MANGO ICE (cheap too!)
my group! so adorable (",)(GP, can u spot Wayne?!)
Jodi & Pam, 2 angels =)
with all the P1-P3 after our race!
Jodi & Pam, 2 angels =)
with all the P1-P3 after our race!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
now what?
what do i do? what should i do?
life ahead seems so uncertain, i'm at such a loss...
sigh... i really don't know what to do.
life ahead seems so uncertain, i'm at such a loss...
sigh... i really don't know what to do.
Monday, May 26, 2008
sigh... again?!?!?!
am feeling like shit all over again.
fine. i don't need me to be important or loved by you anyways.
just wished i believed it too...
and no, this is not about any guy i have ever known or will ever know. it's much worse...
Saturday, May 24, 2008
a week in retrospect
it's been awhile.. i guess i haven't really been inspired to blog much. it's been a bit torturous getting dragged around, shopping for a dining set and bar stools, getting a new car...
managed to dragged judy home for dinner with the family. she got to see our spanking new place and try my mum's mee siam (prima-inspired, of course). lovely to catch up with J :) talking about life, careers, boys... and it's funny how just a few years ago we were chatting about what we wanted to do after uni and now we're chatting about what we want to do for the rest of our lives! ok, or at least the next few years. LOL. nothing much has changed, or maybe it's because we go through the changes together that it seems like nothing has changed... i do miss the Judy perspective on life though! wish i could have travelled europe with her... there will be other opportunities i'm sure!
had coffee with pei, who put up with me for 4 years of high school...
not really coffee, since i had a vanilla chai and since we're on the topic of coffee, let me just say that i think i might be suffering withdrawal symptoms or something. seriously, one week without coffee and i feel tired/sleepy and get incredibly grumpy and short-tempered on shopping trips for chairs (like, dining chairs and bar stools for our breakfast bench) and trying not to get caught in between the cold wars at home...
not really coffee, since i had a vanilla chai and since we're on the topic of coffee, let me just say that i think i might be suffering withdrawal symptoms or something. seriously, one week without coffee and i feel tired/sleepy and get incredibly grumpy and short-tempered on shopping trips for chairs (like, dining chairs and bar stools for our breakfast bench) and trying not to get caught in between the cold wars at home...
it was definitely good catching up with pei, reminiscing those old memories that i had almost forgotten... so many things that i had actually forgotten that she reminded me of...
and catching up on those lost times that we weren't there for each other.
must visit her in japan when she goes there to work in august!!
and catching up on those lost times that we weren't there for each other.
must visit her in japan when she goes there to work in august!!
anyway, some photos...
the moon started to come out even before it got dark!
this was taken about 5pm
more photos taken from the balcony of our new apartment
i love the fact that u can see the sea as well as the hinterlands (ie. mountains)
snaps of the apartment:
the living room, kitchen and my parent's room
last week went to the Ferry Rd Markets
roses in all different colours!
gelati at $15 for 1Lwe got hazelnut choc, chocolate and tiramisu
went to watch Made Of Honour with my sister on tuesday.
GOLD CLASS!!! but it really wasn't all that great...
i got my favourite cherry ripe though!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Absynthe
some might remember that Absynthe was the potent concoction from the movie Moulin Rouge that brought out the green fairy aka Kylie Minogue and knocked out Ewan McGregor's character.
by the way, it's real. if you've ever had it, it really hits even the strongest drinkers. i've never tried it in my life and never plan to, but an ex of mine did and i was glad i wasn't around to witness it...
Absynthe is an exclusive French restaurant located on the ground floor of the Q1 building in Surfers Paradise. owned by 3-star michelin chef meyjitte, who is 100% french and still speaks with a french accent, also acquaintances of my parents. he has a degustation menu that changes with the season, and mains that comes in the size of entrees. as for the price tag... well, let's just say that it's french fine dining... speaks for itself!
here was where we celebrated daddy's 55th birthday (in style). we ordered 2 bottles of wine, a shiraz and a moscato, 2 entrees (the ocean trout is really YUMZ), mains, and daddy's birthday cake for dessert. i had 2 servings of bread, thinking that portions would be small, as usual. BUT when my steak came out, it was huuuuuugggggeeee and by the time i was done, i was so full i could barely move! but i had a small slice of the cake and it was tres good! it's like a truffle/ganache thing with thin layer of chocolate sponge in the middle... mmm..... wish i could bake something like that!
the damage that night... $400 =/
Thursday, May 15, 2008
try not to procrastinate
but here i am... when i should be studying. i haven't reached the panic stage yet. right now, i'm still quite calm about what i already know (though there's a lot more that i don't).
jealousy is raging inside me, i try to put it aside but it still rears its ugly head at the worst of times. i don't even know why i should be jealous, there is absolutely no reason for me to be!
i've been getting nagged at, though i think mel is secretly glad that she gets a break. and this morning, a looooonnnnng lecture. i admit, i tuned out. it's always the same anyway.
so i'm trying not to think about how i never seem to measure up and how much better others are than me.
i can't believe that now that i'm actually here, all i can think about is finding a job.... in singapore!
and it's definitely not because of wrong reasons. strangely, when there is nothing holding me back in singapore anymore, it is still where i want to be. but i do miss melbourne..... hehe
jealousy is raging inside me, i try to put it aside but it still rears its ugly head at the worst of times. i don't even know why i should be jealous, there is absolutely no reason for me to be!
i've been getting nagged at, though i think mel is secretly glad that she gets a break. and this morning, a looooonnnnng lecture. i admit, i tuned out. it's always the same anyway.
so i'm trying not to think about how i never seem to measure up and how much better others are than me.
i can't believe that now that i'm actually here, all i can think about is finding a job.... in singapore!
and it's definitely not because of wrong reasons. strangely, when there is nothing holding me back in singapore anymore, it is still where i want to be. but i do miss melbourne..... hehe
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
dark & twisty??
think....
powderfinger my happiness
goo goo dolls iris
aerosmith i don't wanna miss a thing
nickleback if everyone cared
and so on...
misses, missing, missed.............
what a big day it was...
Sunday was a very special day indeed!
Melvin's graduation from SBC
and...
his proposal to Siping!!!
i've been very blessed to know this coupleand it was a very touching moment...
that even this little heart was so filled with joy and warmth!
sadly (or perhaps thankfully?), i wasn't thinking of when my turn will come...
i will leave that in God's hands!
i think i'm just over it for now...
what with Adrian playing matchmaker and big bird's mood swings...
sooooooo over it!
(",)
Origin fever
once again, it's that time of the year.... STATE OF ORIGIN season!!!
am very glad that billy slater is on the team this year :)
GO MAROONS!!!
am very glad that billy slater is on the team this year :)
GO MAROONS!!!
the boy in action!
how's the weather?
here, i'm greeted by perfectly clear blue skies, sun shining like there's no tomorrow! a nice change indeed from the greyness of city life. the temperature is at a wonderful 20plus degrees during the day, though it gets more chilly at night. can't wait for a chance to tan!
back on the Goldie!
the last few days have been a whirlwind. i didn't really have alot of time, but somehow the time spent with various loved ones seemed nice and long and i really thank God for it. especially when emo michelle was in such a depressed state. my poor dears had to deal with me and i really pity them (and thanks a bunch for all cares and concerns!).
ok, so thank God that issues have been resolved!
the flight here was.... ok, i admit i don't remember much of it! i spent most of the time sleeping. think this is the first time i got on a plane and was just so tired that i can actually sleep in those tiny excuse for a seat! although i browsed through the entertainment guide and found some gems i had been planning to see including 27 Dresses (ahh Chris!), PS I Love You, and many more including JUMPER! ok, i had already seen that movie but... haiz....
actually i was given a window seat, but i saw a middle row of FOUR unoccupied seats and sat there instead (after the rather rude air stewardess told me to just take a seat). sadly, another passenger also took the same opportunity after the fasten seatbelts sign went off so i only got 2 seats, which was so much better, at least i could curl up somewhat (uncomfortable as it was). and yes, i did suffer neck and back aches and was rudely woken up several times by said aches. oh and yes, rudely woken up twice by the turning on of bright lights for dinner and breakfast.
arrived in brisbane sleep-deprived and ready to collapse from exhaustion! mr chan was supposed to collect his guitar from me at the airport but he was caught in traffic (faint... i should have warned him? thought he would have known...). the bus ride home was rather uncomfortable, squeezed into the backseat with two oversized persons, somehow i managed to get about 40mins of shut-eye. vaguely remembered stumbling out of the squishy bus and into the arms of my overly eager and excited sister whose mood mirrored mine...on the other extreme end of the scale, that is! she was rambling on about something or other while dragging me along into our building. only thing i remember was thinking to myself how close all the shops were... as in, you come out of our building and shops surround us. literally. and Scooter is just right opposite our building entrance! fainted.... my sister and her shoes.... LOL
so our new apartment is just FANTASTIC!!! i LOVE it!!! pictures will come, i promise. right now, i haven't actually done anything constructive since being back.
my sister opened the front door and the moment i stepped in, i was almost tackled (Origin fever taking over) out the door again by my mother. i mumbled something like, "i need to pee really urgently" and was lead to the bathroom by my sister while my mum was saying something about giving me a tour of the apartment. and she did give me a rather comprehensive tour of the apartment with commentaries on the feature walls and plans to build a shoe rack and that the TV console is only temporary while another one is being custom made to match the mahogany legs of the couch, etc etc... then it was a quick shower while mummy made bacon and eggs and a nice warm mug of tea :) i told my mum that i was going to take a nap before going over to the shop to lunch with my parents (my mum was telling me how my dad will want to see me asap too), which she grudgingly agreed to after i complained how tired and sleep-deprived i was.
i crawled into bed, which was just so heavenly soft and i was so delighted at how many pillows there were to surround me. my sister, of course, was lying next to me, staring at me while i tried to sleep. "play with me!!!" she demanded. i asked her what she would normally do (she only had to go to uni at 1plus) and she told me that she would be sleeping. "so sleep" i told her. and i think she might have. and i think i briefly opened my eyes when she left too.
the next time i woke up was at about 5.45pm and it was almost dark outside, giving me the feeling that it was about 7pm. my mum came in and told me to get up otherwise i will never be able to sleep later tonight. i lazed around a bit, still half-asleep while my mum prepared dinner - pasta, steak, salad, roast potatoes, a bottle of 1996 wine, decanted! my mum was telling me that my dad had gone out and bought 6.5kg of kobe beef in anticipation of my visit, and then my dad told me in detail the reason why he went to buy it, which i will spare all of you of. while waiting for dinner, i managed to convince my sis to let me use the internet and did some catching up with yanqi and siow wei. i checked my email and to my horror, found an email from chris saying that he will be on the coast that day at 5.30pm and for me to call him! i checked the time... 6.45pm! i quickly texted him and we had an argument over phone numbers, calling, and... yeah, well, childish finger-pointing at who was supposed to do what. hehe...
dinner was good :) can't help but notice how quickly i filled up, considering how slowly i ate. we watched a movie about the life of bruce lee and daddy would add in his little commentaries on what actually happened, facts that i have no idea how he knows...
after dinner, mummy pulled me aside for a looooooooong chat over... ME! she has a plan. she has told my sister to ask her friend who works at NAB to see if he can get me a job there, and she wants me to work there while i complete my masters degree here. and other things as well....
and i still went to sleep at 11plus, no problems falling asleep! and this morning my mum came in early and asked why i am still asleep when i had told her i was planning to study in the morning?! i simply turned over and continued my journey in dreamland.
finally woke up at 9.30 when i heard my sis going out to wish my dad happy birthday and him saying to her, "ok, i have decided to forgive you since it's my birthday" and i said a silent thankful prayer that the cold war is over. i got up and washed up, wished my dad happy birthday and found my sister doing her assignment. was tempted to have bacon and eggs again but the oats caught my eyes and i excitedly had that instead: uncle toby's apple, sultanas and honey oats!
my sister laughed and told me that i really didn't bring much clothes over. i asked her if she has clothes for me... she said she had already gotten rid of those that she didn't want or couldn't wear. i sadly lamented that i don't have anything to wear tonight for dinner. she replied, didn't i tell you to bring something nice over?!! hmm..... well..... i didn't have a comeback for that. shopping?? hehe...
ok, need to hit the books! getting worried...
Friday, May 09, 2008
guess i'll run from here
when you have a choice between fighting or fleeing,
sometimes even the strongest choose to run.
i'm not even close to being strong.
this past week has been very much like something out of a drama.
really. when i said i wanted life to be more interesting, this wasn't what i signed up for.
i tell you what im sick of:
- the sound of my heart breaking. over and over and over and.......
- people disappointing me time and time again. selfishness and not being considerate of others. please can you just THINK for those you have left behind?!!
- conflicting emotions. hate. love. love. hate. bitterness.
- when this one person still affects me even though she should be left behind! whatever happened to respecting others?!!
- my need of knowing things. i mean, ignorance is bliss, ignorance is bliss, ignorance is....ARGH! i hate being ignorant!!!
- the elephant in the room
the last thing is one that i have to live with for awhile. i shouldn't have said what i said. i should have ren and kept my feelings and thoughts to myself.
shit.
i confess: i don't want to stay in singapore anymore. i wish it were that easy.
sometimes even the strongest choose to run.
i'm not even close to being strong.
this past week has been very much like something out of a drama.
really. when i said i wanted life to be more interesting, this wasn't what i signed up for.
i tell you what im sick of:
- the sound of my heart breaking. over and over and over and.......
- people disappointing me time and time again. selfishness and not being considerate of others. please can you just THINK for those you have left behind?!!
- conflicting emotions. hate. love. love. hate. bitterness.
- when this one person still affects me even though she should be left behind! whatever happened to respecting others?!!
- my need of knowing things. i mean, ignorance is bliss, ignorance is bliss, ignorance is....ARGH! i hate being ignorant!!!
- the elephant in the room
the last thing is one that i have to live with for awhile. i shouldn't have said what i said. i should have ren and kept my feelings and thoughts to myself.
shit.
i confess: i don't want to stay in singapore anymore. i wish it were that easy.
just a girl
i can't help but wonder if i'm just being so childish.
i wondered so much that i asked adrian if was being childish.
and adrian said, "no, you're just being a girl"
-__________________-"
i wondered so much that i asked adrian if was being childish.
and adrian said, "no, you're just being a girl"
-__________________-"
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
just when i thought it's impossible to get any worse...
i'm left once again utterly, incomprehensibly disappointed in people.
to be more specific, one person.
one person who has ruined me so much in the past 7 odd months, especially the last 4 months.
sometimes i just want to scream out
i'm left once again utterly, incomprehensibly disappointed in people.
to be more specific, one person.
one person who has ruined me so much in the past 7 odd months, especially the last 4 months.
sometimes i just want to scream out
WHAT IS YOUR F&#^*!G PROBLEM???
and now it's become a sad, miserable day.
and it's a busy one for me too...
please remind me to call my mummy!
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
revamp
i want to revamp my blog. choose a new layout. design my own background.
i need microsoft frontpage!!!
i need microsoft frontpage!!!
emo sai
one of the horrible things i have to do is to clean up my personal emails on my office computer.
who knew that i had kept so many emails, useless and random ones too!
found jane's farewell email, and another email from her, in reply to mine, subject was: "i know it's long for this early in the morning but...." and it caught my eye.
this was written in mid feb, and it was such a touching email for me to read again, reading the oh-so-familiar words that i had written all those months ago.
and i remember how i felt when i had written it, tears stinging my eyes and mind muddled.
but the thing that grabbed at my heart now was the depression undertones of the email, the sadness and how i had this sense of apprehension that things would only go downhill.
how dark and depressing!!!!
who knew that i had kept so many emails, useless and random ones too!
found jane's farewell email, and another email from her, in reply to mine, subject was: "i know it's long for this early in the morning but...." and it caught my eye.
this was written in mid feb, and it was such a touching email for me to read again, reading the oh-so-familiar words that i had written all those months ago.
and i remember how i felt when i had written it, tears stinging my eyes and mind muddled.
but the thing that grabbed at my heart now was the depression undertones of the email, the sadness and how i had this sense of apprehension that things would only go downhill.
how dark and depressing!!!!
Monday, May 05, 2008
my favourite things
had some time on sunday afternoon, between lunch and meeting pao for shopping + dinner.
and so, i found myself in kino @ taka doing one of my favourite things: reading.
there is a certain sense of peace and relaxation when i find myself surrounded by bookcases stacked with the likes of tolstoy, orwell, proust and of course, my all-time favourite, austen!
at the moment, i have this fascination for all things architectural.
i don't know where it came from, since i'm not the most creative person on earth (try like none at all).
but i'm really loving Japanese interior design and of course those contemporary Jap-influenced styles.
and this sudden interest has developed into me wanting to travel Japan!
hmm... too much travel planning going on! focus on saving first, mish!
7 more sleeps and counting!
and so, i found myself in kino @ taka doing one of my favourite things: reading.
there is a certain sense of peace and relaxation when i find myself surrounded by bookcases stacked with the likes of tolstoy, orwell, proust and of course, my all-time favourite, austen!
at the moment, i have this fascination for all things architectural.i don't know where it came from, since i'm not the most creative person on earth (try like none at all).
but i'm really loving Japanese interior design and of course those contemporary Jap-influenced styles.
and this sudden interest has developed into me wanting to travel Japan!
hmm... too much travel planning going on! focus on saving first, mish!
time off all by myself is good. i need to learn to appreciate times like these. to just be still and not be running around, doing things, keeping busy...
and i realised that i don't have to be doing something to take my mind off.... yesh, a few hours spent buried in books, being transported to anywhere but here definitely takes you to a place far far away.
random shot: sunday lunch with the group :)
love lunch gatherings with lsy, fiona, qi and phil!
7 more sleeps and counting!
Saturday, May 03, 2008
looking ahead, looking back
i can't believe i still care so much. the twisting pain of love lost and breaking heart.
but the moment has passed (prayerfully) and i'm just smiling to myself at some of the things miss teo has said to me in the last few days.
nobody can even begin to comprehend how much i am looking forward to my trip home!
i want to go back to fussen... a small village in bavaria, home of schloss neuschwanstein.
thinking back, remembering, when we went up mountains and had so much fun running around, free from everything. just running and shouting and playing silly things.
the pranks we tried to execute (most were unsuccessful), breaking windows, just generally having the best time of our lives.
i so miss days gone past.
but the moment has passed (prayerfully) and i'm just smiling to myself at some of the things miss teo has said to me in the last few days.
nobody can even begin to comprehend how much i am looking forward to my trip home!
i want to go back to fussen... a small village in bavaria, home of schloss neuschwanstein.
thinking back, remembering, when we went up mountains and had so much fun running around, free from everything. just running and shouting and playing silly things.
the pranks we tried to execute (most were unsuccessful), breaking windows, just generally having the best time of our lives.
i so miss days gone past.
Friday, May 02, 2008
it keeps going....
best way to waste time!
You Are Right Brained In Love |
 Peacemaker, first to end a fight Good at thinking up creative dates Tend to fall in love and get hurt easily Going with your gut instead of your head Empathetic and caring, sometimes to a fault Good at recognizing patterns in relationships Been in love many times, perhaps too many to count Wildly passionate and intense when falling in love Spontaneous with relationships, going with the flow Overly visual - can play back past dates like movies in your mind Roses, love poems, and stuffed animals are a good start to winning your heart |
You Are Karamel Sutra |
 Plain on the outside, but once someone gets in, they're stuck |
time wasting
not a slow afternoon, but rather, no mood to go on. mentally drained thanks to my 4 hour sleep last night (lsy! that coffee/tea concoction is POTENT!!!).
Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
 Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything. |
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
patience is a virtue
came across this devotion today and i wondered out loud, "is God speaking to me?" when i was 15 (still young and naive), rach used to remind us, PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! because of our incessant impatient natures... but it gets more difficult to remain patient as we grow up. we always want things right here, right now. at work, in relationships... why wait when you can have something at this very moment? just to digress, that is why we have the time value of money! $100 at a future date is only equivalent to that amount less a discount factor today. whoa!
i admit, there were so many times just in the last few months alone that i have cried out, cried out, why why why??? and why is God remaining silent?!! i wanted answers NOW! but there were also those times, when i wanted answers, BUT was too scared to know the answers to those questions and so, chose to go on wondering... waiting for the right time perhaps... but i was thinking last night, there will never be a right time. though time and God may heal the wounds, it may only just re-open those wounds (or cut another one that is just as deep). and so, i am learning, to commit it into His great hands and lean on him to carry me through. the burden may be there but it is lighter :)
i know that i think i have moved on. that i can just pretend to be so over the cruelties in life. but i'm just so easy to see through... and i wish it could be so easy. to just snap my fingers and it will all be over. but perhaps, God has a lesson for me to learn in this. sometimes i envy the ability of guys to compartmentalise everything. work is work, friends are friends, partners are partners. they don't cross over. whereas, if something else in life is bothering me, it means i have to work extra hard to get work done properly. the extra effort is taxing, and i get weak, and i fall sick. all because i feel everything in every way.
when i was younger i would always wish that time will pass faster, so that i can grow up and live a grown-up life, which always seemed much better than life as a little girl, sheltered and protected life... never having any real responsibilities. i couldn't wait to grow up. and now, i just want to be that little girl again, to have my parents shielding me from the big cruel world.
now, i need to wait on the Lord, trusting that he will provide for me, now and for eternity.
let me just share with you....
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27: 13-14
I read a book a few years ago for couples discerning marriage called The Exclamation. The author pointed out that God could answer the question “Should I marry him/her” in only three ways: Yes. No. Wait.
I think the toughest of the three is, “Wait.” It’s not just that we live in an impatient society (we do), and it’s not just that we can be selfish, demanding creatures (we can), and it’s not just that we tend to want life on our own terms (we do) -- it’s that waiting requires surrender of one of man’s most precious commodities: time.
Our lives our finite. Each day is precious, each month, each year, because we only have but so many. So when the Infinite God whispers to His limited creatures, “Wait,” our responses often sound something like this:
“You see, you don’t get it, God. Sure, it’s easy for you to wait – you have all of eternity. But I really need some answers. You gave Amy answers, and Chuck answers, and Lori answers, so it’s only right and fair you give me answers. After all, you said ‘whoever seeks shall find’ and stuff, so now I’m seeking, and ‘wait’ just isn’t an acceptable response.”
I think it’s even tougher to wait when we have pain lingering in our pasts. We may wonder, “Why should I trust God? Last time everything ended in disaster.” I speak from experience here. I’ve had to wait on an answer to prayer for a long time now – even for someone of my youthful age. I know how tough it is to receive the umpteenth “not yet” from God. I know what it’s like to look back on painful deferments and feel like life is slipping by.
Yes, waiting isn’t for spiritual wimps, but for those strong of heart. Obeying a “not yet” from God requires true faith. It’s handing over our days and years and months to God, trusting that we won’t regret holding off. It’s believing God’s plan is truly the best plan even when several other enticing options tempt us. It’s deferring what is good for what is best.
And there’s the reward of waiting. Even in the midst of my own unanswered prayers, I still believe God isn’t out to get you or me. He doesn’t ask us to wait to torment us. In His infinitely perfect nature, He sees what we can’t and wants to give us more than we’re currently asking for. All the times I’ve ignored God’s “wait” and taken matters into my own hands, a lot of precious time was wasted. But those that wait on Him will experience joy that far surpasses any temporary pleasure that comes with forging ahead alone.
Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30: 5 (NAS)
i admit, there were so many times just in the last few months alone that i have cried out, cried out, why why why??? and why is God remaining silent?!! i wanted answers NOW! but there were also those times, when i wanted answers, BUT was too scared to know the answers to those questions and so, chose to go on wondering... waiting for the right time perhaps... but i was thinking last night, there will never be a right time. though time and God may heal the wounds, it may only just re-open those wounds (or cut another one that is just as deep). and so, i am learning, to commit it into His great hands and lean on him to carry me through. the burden may be there but it is lighter :)
i know that i think i have moved on. that i can just pretend to be so over the cruelties in life. but i'm just so easy to see through... and i wish it could be so easy. to just snap my fingers and it will all be over. but perhaps, God has a lesson for me to learn in this. sometimes i envy the ability of guys to compartmentalise everything. work is work, friends are friends, partners are partners. they don't cross over. whereas, if something else in life is bothering me, it means i have to work extra hard to get work done properly. the extra effort is taxing, and i get weak, and i fall sick. all because i feel everything in every way.
when i was younger i would always wish that time will pass faster, so that i can grow up and live a grown-up life, which always seemed much better than life as a little girl, sheltered and protected life... never having any real responsibilities. i couldn't wait to grow up. and now, i just want to be that little girl again, to have my parents shielding me from the big cruel world.
now, i need to wait on the Lord, trusting that he will provide for me, now and for eternity.
let me just share with you....
Waiting on the Lord
by Sarah Jennings, Crosswalk.com Family Editor
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27: 13-14
I read a book a few years ago for couples discerning marriage called The Exclamation. The author pointed out that God could answer the question “Should I marry him/her” in only three ways: Yes. No. Wait.
I think the toughest of the three is, “Wait.” It’s not just that we live in an impatient society (we do), and it’s not just that we can be selfish, demanding creatures (we can), and it’s not just that we tend to want life on our own terms (we do) -- it’s that waiting requires surrender of one of man’s most precious commodities: time.
Our lives our finite. Each day is precious, each month, each year, because we only have but so many. So when the Infinite God whispers to His limited creatures, “Wait,” our responses often sound something like this:
“You see, you don’t get it, God. Sure, it’s easy for you to wait – you have all of eternity. But I really need some answers. You gave Amy answers, and Chuck answers, and Lori answers, so it’s only right and fair you give me answers. After all, you said ‘whoever seeks shall find’ and stuff, so now I’m seeking, and ‘wait’ just isn’t an acceptable response.”
I think it’s even tougher to wait when we have pain lingering in our pasts. We may wonder, “Why should I trust God? Last time everything ended in disaster.” I speak from experience here. I’ve had to wait on an answer to prayer for a long time now – even for someone of my youthful age. I know how tough it is to receive the umpteenth “not yet” from God. I know what it’s like to look back on painful deferments and feel like life is slipping by.
Yes, waiting isn’t for spiritual wimps, but for those strong of heart. Obeying a “not yet” from God requires true faith. It’s handing over our days and years and months to God, trusting that we won’t regret holding off. It’s believing God’s plan is truly the best plan even when several other enticing options tempt us. It’s deferring what is good for what is best.
And there’s the reward of waiting. Even in the midst of my own unanswered prayers, I still believe God isn’t out to get you or me. He doesn’t ask us to wait to torment us. In His infinitely perfect nature, He sees what we can’t and wants to give us more than we’re currently asking for. All the times I’ve ignored God’s “wait” and taken matters into my own hands, a lot of precious time was wasted. But those that wait on Him will experience joy that far surpasses any temporary pleasure that comes with forging ahead alone.
Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30: 5 (NAS)
i looked up and read Psalm 27 after that.
Psalm 27
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
home-cooked GOODNESS
the BEST thing about swimming sessions with tyq??
having her mummy's yummy home-cooked food afterwards!!!
and yeah, her mum's an awesome cook too! love her soup :)
and then eat until super duper FULL but still cannot stop!
extremely satisfied and contented (",)
but the walk back to the mrt... i can feel myself carrying the extra weight =/
thank you ah teo!!! i love you darling xoxo
having her mummy's yummy home-cooked food afterwards!!!
and yeah, her mum's an awesome cook too! love her soup :)
and then eat until super duper FULL but still cannot stop!
extremely satisfied and contented (",)
but the walk back to the mrt... i can feel myself carrying the extra weight =/
thank you ah teo!!! i love you darling xoxo
Monday, April 28, 2008
handing in my official letter today. a little nervous... why should i be?!
i'm very tempted to stay in aus a bit longer too. i know the reason is totally dishonourable and i should get that thought straight out of my head!
but then... what if i were to move back, and live there for like the next 2 years?!!
ok, EARTH TO MICHELLE!!!
but there are some things i can only dream about...
i'm very tempted to stay in aus a bit longer too. i know the reason is totally dishonourable and i should get that thought straight out of my head!
but then... what if i were to move back, and live there for like the next 2 years?!!
ok, EARTH TO MICHELLE!!!
but there are some things i can only dream about...
breakfast on a monday morning
it's definitely food for thought!
God's Promises
Week of April 27, 2008
by Margaret D. Mitchell
God's Promises
Week of April 27, 2008
by Margaret D. Mitchell
“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.” ~Hebrews 10:36
God purposes the timing and manifestations of His promises. Though some seem a long time coming, they are not. Though the wait may feel like God has forgotten, He has not. God’s timing is perfect, and His patience is great.
Consider Elizabeth and Mary. Despite their great difference in age, both women were pregnant with promised sons simultaneously. The timing of each pregnancy was purposed according to God’s plan as was their children’s destinies.
What has God promised you? Has He delivered yet? How’s your faith?
2 Peter 3:8 says, “a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.”
Perseverance in obedience is the key to receiving the promises of God. And when we get off track, repentance is key.
In Psalm 119, we see that God gives us hope through His promises (vs. 49). He preserves our lives through His promises (vs. 50). He supplies us with grace according to His promises (vs. 58). And we are to meditate on and rejoice in His promises (vs. 148, 162).God's heart within us and the fulfillment of His promises allows us to forgive those who disappointed us on a greater level. When we expect people, not God, to fulfill promises only God can fulfill, we must repent and release them to Him. False expectations can hold us in bondage and cause us to miss God’s very best for our lives.
What have you expected and have not yet received? How are you handling the situation? Are you praising God throughout the process? Has your mind been on Him or on your circumstances? How about your heart? Do you know that God loves you enough to bring fulfillment, to be true to His word. Do you trust Him enough?
Have you asked God what His will is? Have you asked Him what you are supposed to complete before He fulfills His promise?
The fulfillment of God’s promises points toward Him as the one true God. David’s prayer in 2 Samuel 7:25-26 says, “And now, Lord God, keep forever the promise You have made concerning Your servant and His house. Do as You promised, so that Your name will be great forever. Then men will say, ‘The Lord Almighty is God over Israel!’ And the house of Your servant David will be established before You.”
When God fulfills His promises, do we give Him all the glory? Is it all about Him? Is He first on our hearts?
Psalm 145:13 says, “The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.”
Jeremiah 32:19 says, “great are Your purposes and mighty are Your deeds. Your eyes are open to all the ways of men; You reward everyone according to his conduct and as his deeds deserve.”
May we receive the full measure of God’s promises by being obedient to His will.
the Lord is faithful and his love endures forever, his mercies are new every morning!
Praise, sing! Praise, sing!!
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