cut off my air supply please!

i hate air supply.
why is it that i keep hearing that evil love ballad "all out of love"?!!
EMO EMO EMO!!!

but there is something that i've come to accept. and really, it's not so bad because there are people around to help me get through this. and of course, my own determination. had another good talk with miss phua...many many confessions about almost everything =/

sufferings? afflictions? they just don't compare to the cross..

God will not let me suffer more than i am able to. that even in all this, i know that i am SO BLESSED!!! blessed with "family" who really know what i'm going through because they have walked down this road before. all their guidance means so much to me, they're the people God has put in my life to help me keep walking, to say the words He would say.

and you know the really amazing thing that has come out of all these? somehow, i feel that God is using this for me to help others. i'm amazed that people would actually open up to me and for me to encourage them on, to turn to the Father... indeed, when i am weak, he is strong.

the biggest problem i've been having is sleep. it's bad enough that i have trouble falling asleep and having that little amount of sleep cut short from horrible nightmares, now i'm afraid of sleeping because of said nightmares. imagine getting so emotionally hurt in my sleep that i wake up to find that i've been crying, my pillow and cheeks soaked in tears...

actually i really wonder how and why one person can cause me so much distress. what gives her the authority or right to affect me? to make me feel this way?

i look back at myself just less than a year ago and i see someone who was so excited about her future, someone who had so much ambition and dreams, someone who liked to laugh and make others laugh too.. i seem to be just a faint shadow of the person i used to be.

According to Wikipedia... Insomnia is a sleeping disorder characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. It is typically followed by functional impairment while awake. Insomniacs have been known to complain about being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time.

i really need sleep. good, restful sleep. my mind feels so sluggish.

trust and obey

not too long ago, i asked someone why he made a certain decision with his life.

he told me that he had prayed about it and all other doors were closed, that this was the only one open and he knew that this was the way God was leading him.

life is not always easy, nor is it ever simple. but i believe that God has put certain people in my life to help to see me through the tough times. and that i need to call on Jesus when the darkness is all i can see and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

when they used to make us go for leadership camps, one of the most common game they would make us play is the "trust" game - where they make u climb onto a table or chair, close ur eyes and free fall backwards into the waiting arms of strangers (maybe some friends... they like scheduling this activity first, before everyone gets to know each other). most of the time, you wonder to some extent, how you would know that these people won't drop you. for me, i worry that they would be surprised how heavy this seemingly small girl actually is, and in their un-readiness for this deadweight, would like buckle and drop me (accidentally, of course).

as i stand there, i would look back down on all the eyes fixed on me, arms out and ready, everyone waiting in anticipation as i get ready to take the plunge... "don't drop me!" i would say jokingly, which would be greeted by responses of eye-rollings and dry laughters. but i would be assured that so many hands will be able to catch me, that's why i looked back, to check that the hands were outstretched and ready.

then i close my eyes and all i can see is the darkness. then i would become fearful. what if they weren't strong enough to catch me? i start to doubt because i can no longer see the people there to catch me. if they walked away, i wouldn't even know. and it's going to be a hard fall when i hit the ground... but, a deep breath would be taken and entrust my safety the people i knew were there (even though i can't see them), and lean back to fall into their waiting arms.

that would be the best way to describe what i'm going through now and how i am feeling about my circumstances. all i can see is a sea of darkness, not even a the faint glow from a lighthouse. but i know that even though i can't see God, he is there, ready to catch me. he can see me even though i can't see him. i just need to trust in him and let go of everything, surrender everything to him and lean on him.

when God spoke to me, it wasn't a still small voice. it wasn't even a thundering boom. it wasn't in a crowded train. it wasn't in the silence of my room. it wasn't even in a dream.

instead, he had given me wisdom and understanding, revealed them little by little, felt in my heart a peace that transcends all understanding. it wasn't a ding ding!, light bulb going off in my head moment, but a slow realisation from the wisdom God has given me by grace.

and i do trust that he will keep providing for me, in every way.

i have tasted and i have seen the wonders of his faithfulness.

one day, somewhere over the rainbow....

to know or not to know? that is the question...

most times, things just don't work out the way we want them to.
i am really tired, exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally.
i'll admit that i've got more than i can handle. and tears don't solve problems.
tears don't move people as well.

but i have to remember to pray for others as well.
there are friends and family who need help too. and i've been so self-absorbed to think of them.

i'm so scared. scared to know.
will i be hurt again? the last time i wanted to know something was just yesterday and it had hurt like hell.
could i just live with things left unsaid?
questions left unanswered?
let's not kid ourselves, i won't be able to do it. because i just have to know everything.

soul are you weary?

it has been a long shitty day.
and i've noticed that lately, i've become more vulgar and don't care who hears it...bad.
all the politics seem to be tearing my relationships apart.
Lord, please don't let me become bitter and upset over this!
it hurt so much, maybe some things are better left unknown...
now i know why curiosity killed the cat.
so many four-letter words come to mind...
really glad that big bird, mnb and E are there for me...
and the most frustrating thing was that you didn't, no wouldn't listen to me, to what i had to say, to explain...
i shouldn't dwell on it any more. i have enough problems as it is.


CONGRATULATIONS to my baby sister who can now DRIVE!!!
then she can pick me up from the airport and send me off *be prepared for tears!
but my poor baby called me tonight...late...in tears, sobbing over an argument with mummy.
and my heart really broke cos she was really REALLY upset...
i just wanted to be there to hug her and wipe away her tears as she slowly falls asleep...


i wish she was here to do the same for me...


struggles- i've been eating a lot, overeating...
BIG breakfasts, lunches and dinners, plus snacking in between :(
so so so not good.
and i'm thinking about eating almost ALL the time...why? :'(

i am so grateful to miss phua :)
i had actually thought, just a few hours earlier, that i should just forget about it. that there will be questions left unanswered, that to deal with it i just have to chastise myself for dwelling on this when i had bigger problems demanding my attention.
but it's really good to talk, to at least put words to those thoughts zipping through my mind.
and to know that God has put friends who understand and can sympathise and give me direction. not just to say, this is what you SHOULD do, and expect it to be as easy as that.
thanks for all the advice GP, but i'm still a bit lost about what to do...

i was still in such a foul mood when i got home, i was a bit mean.
how do you even know that i was referring to you? are you just being presumptous??
oh gosh, i hate message history sometimes...
i shouldn't live in this bubble, remembering, reading, wondering...assuming...

recently i've been contemplating, thinking over, wondering, if i should be serving.
just a thought...
i don't even know why...
just feeling very useless lately.

need to really find the motivation to study too...

SOOOO cute!

saw this little cutie on the way to ABC! i want one too!!!

smothered

4 cents... 4 cents that caused a surge of anger and frustration and...
perhaps it had all been piling up deep inside and finally,
like a volcano, everything just erupted and the anger consumes everything in its path.

life is really so trying! even my cd drive on my laptop doesn't want to work!!!
w trah fls;hahr cnhawemhf;lakhesdf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just thinking back on my first year at college, and how Judy absolutely HATED guys!
maybe i don't hate guys, but i do want to slap them!
exhibit 1:
big bird called me about 4 times this morning... ahh yes, E was right...counseling sessions..
i'm a good listener (and i hope 'he' knows and remembers that, because i'll always be here to do just that... and i do miss those times...)
big bird & mnb are such good companions on those super sian days (which is everyday)
anyway big bird said something damn funny and damn duhz and so really deserved a slap!
how can you say such things to a girl?!! oh dear...
everytime he starts talking such nonsense, mnb will be there to remind him that he "cannot say this kind of things in front of michelle! she's a girl leh..."
but they make me laugh so hard i get tummy aches and tears in my eyes!
exhibit 2:
and he who shall not be named, who has completely ripped apart and stomped on my hopes for the future... don't be so cold, don't be a stranger...
makes me think of that song Apologize (note American spelling) and how oh-wise-one said that it's never too late to apologise...
the slaps came for how he left me and just walked away, leaving me speechless... ok, so he did come back (and i really shouldn't add that it's too late but..)
exhibit 3:
me and him were talking about respective feelings of emptiness and loneliness,
decided that we should spend more time with each other..
then he goes and says that STUPID thing that just made me STARE and FAINT and... sighs..
tyq says that she always thought we would have worked out if it wasn't for that girl..
well dear, i know the points you mentioned were very valid BUT i do know that he isn't the one.
just the sixth sense feeling... and remembering mummy's words that it's difficult to change people, even with love. and how true that is, only He can change hearts and minds..

i admit i am still so anxious.. but i do feel myself letting go a bit more each day.
and i shouldn't feel this way, that i know that no matter how bad things seem to be, He is ever faithful and i only need to trust in Him and His plans for me.
hmm... i don't think i've ever shared how bad things were when we moved to aus. perhaps, a little bit of it but not the whole picture.. except maybe for one person..
but really, after everything that has happened, how can i not remember that God's plan is more wonderful? the struggles only strengthens us, helps us grow... and i will never forget mummy's faith, so strong and unwavering, though i'm certain there were times where she would cry out in helplessness at the hopelessness of circumstances and situations. but i have also seen His grace and mercy..

oh and thank you so very much to Fifi. your words do make a lot of sense, perhaps a part of me still refuses to let go, hanging on to hope.. but like what Yaya also says, don't want to hang on to false or high hopes.
it's funny... there is still some kind of peace within, that though the cuts are deep, i'm not mourning as much as i would. only a sense of betrayal and hurt and i just need some time to clear out my closet and hoping that there will not be any scars left, that the healing will be complete. just like the cut on my palm... the pain forgotten, the scar faded
things between us just seems so superficial and i feel sad, a sense of loss.. i still want to confide and talk for hours and to hear your complaints (even if it's always about the same person), for your advice, for your lameness...

ok forget thoughts of studying today! i'm gonna finally take myself to ikea to get storage stuff and then CLEAR OUT all my clothes and JUNK and then settle into my cool (hopefully a/c gets fixed this arvo) room with novels that i have started but not finished, and then time-out in front of the tv (青蛙王子!), and an early night!

de ja vu again...
this time from mission photos by Lucy. it feels like a lifetime ago...but it has only been 6 years!
really precious time spent with Kat and Nick... what has happened to us now?
Jesus, you are my best friend and you will always be..nothing will ever change that!
remembering... Simon on the drums, trying to learn from Bas... :p
Queenie, hot new teacher Superman!, mrs gibson..
johnno's eyebrows...
jandowae outing..
FREEZING cold winter nights.. huddled together in our sleeping bags, all the girls sleeping in one big classroom, the boys in a SMALL room!
building barricades with mattresses..
miss miss miss!!!

Lord, i am truly grateful for all that you've provided, though i left family and friends and a life that is familiar to follow your calling here, and i'm sure that there is still much more to learn and do and that i'm here for a purpose, whatever that may be. pray that you would continue to lead me and guide me, that i will not be afraid of what tomorrow may bring. may your perfect love, peace and joy be my strength to guard my heart and mind, that i will stand firm in your love. give me patience and to persevere despite trials that sap every ounce of energy in me. refresh me as i find my rest in you. :)

“I’m too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed.

I refuse to be discouraged, to be sad or to cry.

I refuse to be down hearted and here’s the reason why:

I have a God who is almighty; who is sovereign and supreme.

I have a God who loves me – and I am on His team.

He is all wise and powerful; Jesus is His name.

Though everything else is changeable, My God remains the same.

I refuse to be beaten or defeated.

My eyes are on my God.

He has promised to be with me, as through this life I trod.

I am looking past my circumstances, to heaven’s throne above.

My prayers have reached the heart of God and I am resting in His love.

I give thanks to Him in everything.

My eyes are on His face.

The battle is His; the victory is mine; He will help me win the race.

I repeat!

I’m too blessed to be stressed!”

(Author unknown)

Sounds in the night.
Crickets. Geckos. Toads.
A baby wails- piercing screams
In pain. In hunger. In neglect.
Echoes of my bleeding heart.
No hope. No future.
Destitution.
The earth goes on spinning
The clock keeps ticking
The crickets. The geckos. The toads
continue the music of the night.
I lie here. Waiting.

I close my eyes and pray
Show me Your Grace and Mercy,
Take me to your kingdom
now. Release me from
the suffering and pain. Fill
me with Your Peace and Love.
I never want to wake up again.

Steal me away in the darkness of the night. That I will wake up to Your Light.
Patience.

A cold winter night
The air still and clear
Misty fog shrouded lonely street lamps
It was 12.07am.
She climbed The Bridge
Each step a small victory.
Leaden legs lead the way
With every step a lie shatters a fragile heart,
warmth faded with every lie.
"You are the only one who understands me."
Shatter.
"Let's fly away from here."
Shatter.
"I will wait for you."
Shatter.
No tears in her icy stare
Red hot liquid streamed down
from wounded wrists from
cold broken glass pressed
against cold white hands.
A heart that beats no more
will never feel the pain.
Slowly, steadily, never hestitating
she finally reached the top.
"You should put your trust in God."
She didn't close her eyes.
No courage, no fear.
Just one step. And she was flying.
The shattered heart was no more.

Puddles of hot liquid stained my pillow.
Bitterness brewed.
Nostalgia angrily stabbed at my back.

In a silent room,
so deafening, so torturous.
A face flashes over and over.
Moments from the past
coming to life
Trapped. Alone. In the silent room.

Can you hear?
The gentle lapping of the waves.
The distant chirps of the birds.
The kookaburra singing.
The rustles of leaves.
The quiet whistle of the breeze.
The angry sizzle of bacon in the pan.
The low bubbling of boiling water.
The sweet notes of music playing.
The squeals and giggles of children playing.
The still small voice of the Lord,
gently calling you to draw near, to feel
His warm embrace, calling you home.

Can you hear?
That I will no longer call your name.
Nor remember those words,
vain promises that eluded me.
Nor hold precious those moments past.
I will forget those
eyes, hands, neck, stomach.
And my heart will harden so
I never make the same mistakes again.

going insane

i swear i'm going insane...

and only ONE person asked me why.

someone unexpected.

someone...i shouldn't even be contemplating this!

see, another proof that i AM going insane!!

lack of sleep. blame it all on lack of sleep.

my eyes were so sore and painful, even when open AND closed!

well, the day started out pretty normally i thought...

off to simei as usual, but then something just didn't feel right..

perhaps because all the other times there was someone waiting for me.

and it was the first time i went to sakura to have dry beef kway tiao without the girls around.

slowly made my way to class...

at city hall, went to the guardian at citylink and when i came out, guess who i bumped into?!!

J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tsk tsk....that girl is so beautiful, and even more beautiful than when she had left ;)

still got to class early but almost fell asleep...

not because the content was boring, mind you...it was on corporate finance afterall (",)

and so i couldn't follow through with my plans of studying after class.

Lissy asked me to buy 2 necklaces for her from Bugis

had planned to go Ikea to get some storage stuff to really clean out my room...

but went home, exhausted but my body refused to sleep even though my eyes were screaming out in excruciating pain.

anyway i really hated myself today...

for being so.....there's no word for it!

and really, i'm thinking, why are the memories haunting me?

why will they not leave me?

why do i still see those things?

why isn't it getting any easier?!!

and all i want to do is to go there...to that place...

maybe i'll go there soon...just by myself this time.

difficult decisions to be made. Lord guide me and lead me..

tragic love stories

watched an utterly depressing movie with Fifi this evening...Sky of Love, a tragic love story that ended on a very upsetting note! much to my dismay...the guy dies! argh!!!

but something from the movie really made me think.. and my heart did break that much more..
sighhhhhhhh.............

perhaps i should stop deceiving myself and getting hurt from what is happening right in front of me. maybe then i'll stop having so many sleepless nights..

since i can't let go, i should just cut it off, cut off everything that is holding me back. give up hope..