Miss Fine

i don't want to be miss fine. i don't want to be struggling, but instead of doing what i need to do (which in my case is talking about it) i just want to bury it. and put plenty of cement over it. it's like previously, everything that i had buried had been unearthed and now, they all lay staring up at me.

i need to go home. i do, i really do. i need to clear things out and settle some stuff at home. i need to find him. i need to know, what happened in grade 12, had i been blind all that time? had i really not seen it all that time? am i only realising this now? but how will i do it? when i don't even know where you are...

not dying, dead.

shit. i'm doing it again.
WHY???????

why do i keep doing this? i know i'm not strong enough yet... and still i did. and it hurts even more now than the first time i did it. shit shit shit.

why, eve? why, adam? why did you both have to eat the fruit?? why did you have to know??

ignorance is bliss...

why couldn't i just leave things as they were?
now i know how you felt, when you did it and saw what i had said.
the pain must have been unbearable... i'm so sorry... i deserve what i'm getting now.
but there is a difference, i'm suffering more.

Father, help me, save me... from myself.

new office!

finally, we have moved down to our new office on 15 floor!

but my seat really sux, everyone's seat really sux!!! the whole place is so open that my boss can easily see who is in at what time, when and how long we take our lunch breaks, pretty much she is her own survelliance camera!!! ;(

but we got a HUGE break yesterday when the movers came to shift our stuff, of course, boss goes first... and since we all had to pack up all our stuff and seal up the boxes and turn off our comps, big bird, AC and myself were really embracing our LAST chance at freedom! we were yakking away like we had never chatted before and were laughing and doing the most idiotic things, that even the rest of our team soon joined in the fun! big bird had written "i am gay" on a strip of masking tape and had taped it on AC's back, AC picked up my bag and slung it on his arm and started walking really girly without realising he had "i am gay" written on his back! and the whole team was laughing, i was almost in tears and... we all discovered how loud and talkative all of us really were! even AR giggled and chatted! then when AC found out about the sticker on his back, he started tackling big bird who was laughing uncontrollably and they started punching each other..... ahhhh boys.... reminds me of my high school days -__- which prompted me saying, "guys are so silly!" then remembering the old saying we had in junior school "guys are stupid throw rocks at them", i added that i should start throwing rocks at the fighting duo!

and then small A shook his head at us and wondered aloud what had overcome all of us?? since when did we become so noisy?? and i think yesterday was the most i had talked to small A too. helping him to label his stuff, and seal his boxes while he was stressfully rushing to finish his report...

i do like my team, no, i love them! even with all our disagreements and dislikes, we're still very much a family. "treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers , and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" i'm the youngest in my team, yet i feel like a mother sometimes!

thanks be to God for the people he has put in my life! yes, all the people...

it's hard work

esther said yesterday at shw, that forgiveness is a process. that sometimes, you need to be forgiving over and over.

ahhhh yes how true.

i'll forgive you. and i'll forget you.
i remember the first time i heard that i was shocked. could you forgive a person just to forget them? i guess in a way, it's a compromise... the person knows they have your forgiveness and you can just forget the person who had caused you so much pain. but that's not a solution, is it?

and i am glad for my perfect friend, the one who will never tire of my repeated ramblings, the one who fully understands what i'm going through, the one who sees and feels my pain and brokeness. what a friend i have in Jesus! :) and i will forgive as Jesus has forgiven. and i will not forget either. who am i kidding if i said that i can forgive and forget? but i will be able to come to terms with it... isn't this all in God's will? that i should learn from this and that he will be here to help me. and i've never been able to hold a grudge.

yesterday...
sigh... why do people always disappoint me? i am so grateful that my Father never fails. and i need to keep forgiving... to keep leaning on Him and trusting in Him.

thank God... really??

there are infinite things to be thankful for, definitely thank God for the good and the bad, because... "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." - Romans 5: 3-4.

today A wrote this (in jest, of course, 'cos we always do this kinda wu liao things) after i sent out one of my daily reports:

"I thank God for Mich for which without her, the reports would not be generated, carefully scrutinized and sent out in an orderly and timely manner.

Where is God when I needed a few more distinctions ?!?!?!?!? – Opps, just kidding, God"

which in turn, reminded me of the time someone also said to me that they are thankful for me. and isn't it just scarily coincidental that the song All My Life was playing.

And all my life
I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life
I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

just to digress a bit as well, i'm reminded of a scene from a movie, just can't remember which movie it is from... where the female lead is sitting in front of the tv, watching some old-school movie where the male lead in that movie was professing his love for his leading lady and that he will always love her, forever and ever etc etc... and the female lead watching the movie suddenly yells out "LIAR!!!" and throws whatever she had been eating at the tv.

and talking about jaded lovers... i still remember, i think it was like, the second or third day of my working at the bank, and jason was asking me what "jaded" meant cos his "perfect girl" had described herself as being jaded.

is there something, some sort of neon sign hanging above my head, inviting guys i barely know to pour out their sob-story about their love lives???!!! it happened soon after i met jason and happened again soon after i met big bird...

OH! i remember the movie now!!!!!! it was in Legally Blonde and Reese Witherspoon had just been dumped by her "perfect" boyfriend for another girl. she was wallowing in chocolates and had been watching some day-time soap opera, and had thrown the whole box of chocolates at the tv!

back to the topic, so really, don't thank God for me... i should thank him for using me to touch your life instead, and to pray that he will continue to use me to touch other's lives.

read a really confusing devotion today. i didn't quite understand it, perhaps need someone to clarify things? but a part of this devotion did speak to me, even though it was in a way unrelated to the devotion topic.

"As I mature, I’m seeing some of that messiness as God’s way of growing me up. It forces me to choose between offense or grace, between bitterness or forgiveness and between selfishness or service."

i'm reflecting on my imperfect self... sigh... Father, please give me the wisdom to choose wisely, to grow and to encourage others. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

yes, that would be so nice

i made a playlist on my work comp. finally! so i can listen to tunes while charging my iPod :) but the playlist has been limited to the songs i have copied over from cds (since my laptop's cd drive is on strike).

so in between power ballads and sooky love songs are the gentle notes of bossa, courtesy of olivia ong. my fave of the day: So Nice. my love for bossa was first discovered in a small cafe, by the beach, in my adopted home town of Gold Coast. it's indescribably relaxing, suitable for a lazy Sunday at Greenmount while looking down and out into the big ocean, or perhaps a night in with wine glass in hand staring out the window at the city lights.



still, sometimes even just a word would trigger a tug, sometimes so soft i barely feel it.



i don't know why i can't stop thinking, ever since that thought pushed itself into my head after i saw that photo, our photo... once again, the memory of those days came gushing back. 5 and a half years ago and it seemed like just yesterday. how come i never realised how much memories we had created, shared so much, and yet it wasn't through words, wasn't through d&m in fact i think we maybe only had a few d&m together...

from a grateful heart

thanks and hugs and kisses to my darling fiona!!! - seriously couldn't sleep last night, it was approaching 1am and i was frustrated that i was so awake though i was feeling damn tired! dear miss ho called me up, quick chat, shared Psalm 16 with me, then prayed for me. and i fell asleep almost straight away! and... i forgot to set my alarm!! but blessing in disguise, i got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep (though i was late for work) and when i woke up, feeling refreshed (finally!) i was jumping for joy, thanking God for the much needed rest!

am really falling in love with the book of Psalm... have been touching on it on an almost constant basis - preparing for class, devotions, having it shared with me by my darlings...

miss phua was so adorable, on sunday, telling me that everything that she had heard in the last 3 days had been for her to share with me :) and she gave me Psalm 34 to hold on to.

Psalm 34

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.;

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.;

3 Glorify the LORD with me;

let us exalt his name together.;

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.;

5 Those who look to him are radiant;

their faces are never covered with shame.;

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;

he saved him out of all his troubles.;

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,

and he delivers them.;

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;

blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.;

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,

for those who fear him lack nothing.;

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,

but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.;

11 Come, my children, listen to me;

will teach you the fear of the LORD.;

12 Whoever of you loves life

and desires to see many good days,;

13 keep your tongue from evil

and your lips from speaking lies.;

14 Turn from evil and do good;

seek peace and pursue it.;

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous

and his ears are attentive to their cry;;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,

to cut off the memory of them from the earth.;

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;

he delivers them from all their troubles.;

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.;

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,

but the LORD delivers him from them all;;

20 he protects all his bones,

not one of them will be broken.;

21 Evil will slay the wicked;

the foes of the righteous will be condemned.;

22 The LORD redeems his servants;

no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

but really, the best thing was the dream i had. even though most of it has been forgotten, lost in the depths of REM sleep, i did manage to catch, to remember the edges of a sweet dream. it wasn't about work, but it was about the ice queen... and not like the horrible ones that had haunted me for the longest time. in this dream, it was away from the office, i saw her and had approached her with weary caution, thinking it polite to say a quick hello. and instead of the disdain i have encountered on so many occasions she smiled and spoke to me sincerely about things that i will not go into details.

oh perhaps i should mention that forgiveness was something that, after much tears and confusion and anger and frustration on monday night, i had concluded i need to do. of course, prayerfully, because i would never have been able to get that far otherwise. thank God for the time i spent on dear's bed, crying but holding back the BIG BIG sobs that were on the verge of revealing themselves. she helped me to understand, to really move on. and forgiveness was the first step for me to move on. forgiving all those people, all those words, all those feelings.

and i felt a freedom like i have never experienced in my life. finally letting go of everything that had kept me captive, kept me trapped. after walking through the Valley of Weeping, it will become showers of blessing (Psalm 84:6).

heard this for the first time this morning. thanks Phil for lending Olivia's cd to me :)

I'll Move On

This road that I'm taking twists and turns

My life my chance turning dreams into reality.

Down this path faced with many things.

Sometimes I feel like giving up and turn away.

Can't seem to go on.

And I've been thru' this before.

Now where am I?

Where do I stand?

A little lost here.

But I'll remember.

All those times you've bought me thru'.

I'd be a fool to give up cos' the goal is near.

I'll move on I'll go on.

Lord I will take your hand.

And you will guide me along.

Survive thru' this storm.

So I say, come what may.

I'll hold on to my hope.

Yes, I will walk down this road.

And my passion drive will lead me on.

Here I am once again caught in the rain.

Looking back I've come so far and I want to carry on.

Take a step at a time It's alright.

Even thru' this rain, I want to smile again.

Don't hold back now.

And I've been thru' this before.

Now where am I?

Where do I stand?

A little lost here.

But I'll remember.

All those times you've bought me thru'.

I can feel the sun shining down on me.

Here I am, Here I am.

Lord I will take your hand.

And you will guide me along.

Survive thru' this storm.

So I say, come what may.

I'll hold on to my hope.

Yes, I will walk down this road.

And my passion drive will lead me on.

Fade Away

I just wanna say hello to you

But you’re not lookin’ my way

Like you trying to act cool

I think I lost my mind

Back there and then

Oh how I let my feelings go

You see, I know it’s just a crush

And a crush won’t ever last long

No one’s forcing it, boy

So you I’ll put aside

Thought friends we would be

Oh, boy…

Sadly you took my smile away

Every time you look my way

It fades away

I think it’s best it stays this way

Every time you look my way

Yeah, it fades away

You just wanna say hello to me

Now the table’s turned

I’m not lookin’ your way

Don’t get it wrong

Oh, it’s twisted up

Alright let’s make this story short

You see, I know it’s just a crush

And a crush won’t ever last long

No one’s forcing it, boy

So you I’ll put aside

Thought friends we would be Oh, boy…

Sadly you took my smile away

Every time you look my way

It fades away I think it’s best it stays this way

Every time you look my way

Yeah, it fades away

Whao…

Why did it have to go down this way?

I’ll admit I feel you when you are near

Maybe baby we got it all wrong

Sadly you took my smile away

Every time you look my way

It fades away

I think it’s best it stays this way

Every time you look my way

Yeah, it fades away

turned my mourning into dancing

i am so tired... only 4 hours of sleep and i am struggling to hold it together. to be patient, to focus on people talking, to organise myself, and to retain short term memory.



Jesus you are so so good!

oh gosh i've never been more excited. i just wanted to start dancing and singing songs of praise! i was staring off into the distance, smiling at some secret i shared with my Father, feeling the eyes of the guy in front of me follow my gaze into the distance, probably wondering what i was smiling at!

maybe it was the music i had been listening to, all the songs we sang at Mission 2002, and the photos Lucy had posted! de ja vu moment again as i was transported back and thought of happier days, even in the midst of struggling to grow up (yes, that age of 16 to 17) and being so rebellious (oh gosh, nickie can testify to my rebelliousness!), of first loves found and lost... oh the days of my youth!

there is indeed a time and season for everything. people say that time heals all wounds, but now i know, that isn't the truth. the truth is this: God heals all wounds! confess everything that is in your heart, sorrows, desires, hopes, anger, jealousy, dreams, ambitions, and lay them all at his feet. and he will surely take them all up :) and his joy will be my comfort and strength...

i did do one silly thing though. and for that split second, the shock of it threatened to knock me out as bitterness crept in and i thought of all that was stolen from me. and amazingly... i just felt a dull ache. no hyperventilating, no i'm-going-to-die reactions. and immediately, i gave thanks and really pray that he will continue to guard my heart at anything else that may be thrown at me.

blessed is me, on whom his grace has been bestowed!
rejoice in the Lord always :)

irony

why is it that jason is the one telling me "i told you so" now?!!
but, i must admit that he cares... offered something more than advice...
should i take it up?

moving back down

on Friday, we'll be moving to our shiny new office downstairs, back again to good old 15 floor.
sentimental me is reminiscing on the good times J and i had there...travellator!

i'll be sitting next to big bird.. he has already warned that there will be morse code tapping against the partition separating our desks! (note to self: better take lessons. in case he taps something hmm hmm and i don't even know it!)

OH! nolan kor kor gave me a present!! LOL a little mirror thing from Reuters that i can stick on my monitor and keep a look out at whoever is trying to sneak up on me. it used to work on nolan, me sneaking up and just whispering BOO in his ear was enough to make him jump! now it doesn't anymore cos he can see me coming :(

i've been feeling so emotionally stressed at work in the past 2 weeks or so... maybe more than that. and i finally figured out why. i do feel like i'm the one holding the team together, with all the clashes in recent weeks, i've become like a counsellor, protective mother, advisor, peace maker...

but everyone takes care of me too. no matter how bad things get in my life, i look forward to seeing them. they offer different perspectives, say to me, "look, at least...." and with so many kor kors around to watch for me even when they say things that make me FAINT!!! i'm sure i will make it through. so funny, that now, even when i'm super upset and super bad mood, big bird and mnb aren't scared of me anymore, instead they kajio me senseless until i smile again -__-

thank you Lord for the little things that keep me going each day..