memory

i feel so refreshed! credited to the 1 hour nap i had just before :) it felt like hours though and i thank God that i was able to fall asleep so easily! and it will still be an early night so i will be ready for Round 3 tmr =) so many things to be thankful for, but i pray Father that you will show me the way and if this is your will for me... that i will not be impulsive from fear of being unemployed.


perhaps, something i had been flirting with... the idea... that if i am still unemployed after taking my CFA exam, i will go back to australia. how long for?! maybe a year or two... then perhaps, saved enough (and aced my GMAT - 720 at least!!) and i will be off to Wharton or Harvard or Stern! i'm still being ambitious ya *giggles* my dreams of going to Harvard might still be realised! lol...


but it's so difficult to leave... so many things to consider... but i shall not all these worries consume me and bring me down!


am watching american idol, which i DO NOT follow but tonight features andrew lloyd webber!! how can i miss it right?!?! oh how i miss musicals and operas! so many good times preparing for our high school musicals, so many memories attached... it's weird the one that stands out was musical camp for les miserables... the moment we arrived, we dumped our stuff onto our beds and a group of us went down to the beach, running along the beach, playing among the waves, picking up shells with nick, you know what....i still have those shells!!! they were tiny ones, and he said they were just like me, TINY!!! faint...


but this little memory has gotten me rummaging around for what i have brought over from my last trip home, and photos of when i was 17...

Memory, All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember

The time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

安静

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天

睡着的大提琴

安静的旧旧的

我想你已表现的非常明白

我懂我也知道

你没有舍不得

你说你也会难过我不相信

牵着你陪着我

也只是曾经

希望他是真的比我还要爱你

我才会逼自己离开

你要我说多难堪

我根本不想分开

为什么还要我用微笑来带过

我没有这种天份

包容你也接受他

不用担心的太多

我会一直好好过

你已经远远离开

我也会慢慢走开

为什么我连分开都迁就着你

我真的没有天份

安静的没这么快

我会学着放弃你

是因为我太爱你

why?

i'm still asking why... why do i think the most...ARGH things????
u know i have this sense of de ja vu, me going off to australia once again, taking a break from everything. oh God, please don't let it be a repeat of things gone by when i come back...

talking to my babes today really helped :) J&J hahas..

call for a 3rd round at DB also helped to cheer up my day and put hope into this bleak day.

felt so depressed and tired today. going home now to get some rest. and a few things to do as well...

emo no more

i'm sick of emo michelle!

really got to get over this. it's so weird, that a look would turn my legs into jelly and brain into mashed potato. it shouldn't.

need to spend less time on the phone too!

really need to start being more vigilant and guard my very broken very soft very weak heart.

am i really so transparent? that my feelings, emotions, everything that i'm trying to keep in and look composed, shows so clearly???

ok, i admit i was feeling quite tired this morning, but only a little! (due to the restless night i had)

still, when big bird asked me why i look so tired, i was like, "no.." then he goes on to ask if i'm ok, if there is something upsetting me...
in that split second, i remembered when someone told me that (s)he could see the sadness in my eyes. and i just stood frozen.
and, ok... i wanted to cry. i don't know why.
so i told him, i just had a bad night sleep because of a conversation i had.. and he prodded... and i told him. not in as much detail but bits and pieces...

he told me i need counselling...from him! sigh... 2 people with similar problems, how to counsel?!! hahas!

anyway, gonna go lunch with him now =/ at 2pm...

confused

thinking back,
i wonder...
did i fall in love with you,
or did i fall in love with the idea of you?

trust...
can you really trust someone who has lied to you?

it's weird, i think i really have hardened my feelings towards people. i'm still open, but i don't share. after much prodding on friday, i finally shared some of my past with big bird (who now wants to be called small bird, wait no, to be specific, tweety bird!!) and i was really scared. scared to where it may lead... closer friends... it's not that i don't want any close friends (or any more close friends) but just the things he says/tells me, makes me feel like running far away. and i know it's nothing, it's just me and all in my head, so i have to force myself to stop myself from running away and just face it.

i had a second installment to my first weird dream. so...... faints...... speechless!!!

-__- CK put my name on sparks as "dots....." yes, he did. i thought he would have changed it by now but NO!!! ok, so i still have him as "BabyCK"...

my daddy suggested that i go back, i can easily get a job (work for my parents loh!) or just do my masters... i admit, i actually thought that i would just go pack up right then and there and leave. sounds so easy right? but there are some things i cannot leave behind.

firstly, i'm sure God has brought me here for a reason, and surely i have matured?? that i have learnt to trust in his goodness and faithfulness, that he has indeed been there for me in my sufferings, and not only that but provided help for me on countless occasions! and everytime i was so close to........ let's not go into what i was close to thinking, to doing... but everytime, he brought me out of it. if this is where he wants me to be... sigh, i think i might understand what fiona must have thought last year... (dear, i'll share with you soon ok?)

secondly, how can i leave behind the girls?!! fiona, sinyee, xiao wei, yan qi... and then gp will be back soon too! ohhh..... my dear girlies.... it is definitely something that i will miss the most when i leave.

thirdly, not so small and JC2... how can i not love all the kids??!!! it's just impossible!! i really enjoyed today, preparing for parents day, working with the girls from our previous class... i've missed them... and not so small, who have been supporting me in prayer and helping me to learn and grow too. really miss wendy... i still remember her as the first person who reached out to me when i first joined, though both of us were quite closed... how she has changed ;) and will miss our wise leader (though sometimes i wish he would tell me things more straight forwardly so i don't have to think so much!) and siping :(

fourthly, most precious pao and est and chris, who will be back soon! i miss miss miss chris, the guy who shared my dreams of joining the ranks of the BB :) before he decided to shatter that dream by choosing equity research in HK! wahlaus.... don't go.... see lah, come back to spend 6 months with us, going back to do his honours then going to run off to HK!

fifthly, colleagues who have become good friends, people who i have confided in, share almost every day with...

then, there's my grandmother that i cannot leave here... i feel this burden that if i go, she won't make it. that she feels because i'm here, without my parents around, she's here to look after me, make sure i'm ok. if i leave.... i don't even want to think about it.

oh and yes, there is one more reason... which is also the reason that would make me say GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA! since time cannot be rewound, it will be easier to disappear... out of sight, out of mind... and we can pretend nothing ever happened. you know, sometimes there will be things that you just forget, simply can't remember... maybe it will be like that, if you don't have that constant reminder in front of you. it's not that i have problems moving on, because i'm out of that bubble, i am so clear that i'm afraid of what i'm seeing.

there are things that i wish for... most definitely... but, "not my will but yours be done". if it's in his will, it will come to pass....

but perhaps, the pull factor, to stay here... is that my heart is here, for now. yes i would love to go to aussieland to live, but it would only be because my family is there. friends, are so disposable... (perhaps a small insight to my life in aus). which makes it all the more worth staying here, the friends that i have made, friendships that i have built... never knew the full worth of that before. my heart is here because of the relationships i have, even if it's only friends and not family, but...

and i'm definitely healing... healing everything that has been broken in my life. there has been so much that has come rushing back to me for the past few weeks. lots of pain, yes, but you know what, also some things that had been excruciating have now left me feeling....OK! and then a lesson learnt also (thank God for wisdom!) that i have felt this burden to share with someone, but haven't done so yet... mainly because i don't want this person to feel like i'm telling him something/hinting at him... but the lesson is definitely starting to "haunt" me the longer i drag this on... =/ so... will you spare me some time to hear me out? i promise.... no emotions attached!

thursday...one day closer to the weekend!!

i'm sitting here at my desk, with finally, 2 mins of peace before i start on this assignment which has to be finished by tomorrow (and i am positive i can get it ALL done today, a bit over optimistic...haha). it's after 2pm and i'm feeling dizzy from the last remnants of caffeine floating around. the buzz is definitely still there, and i'm feeling it's full effects since i'm being rather "idle" now compared to my morning. well, it's been rather busy since my deadlines for daily work has been moved earlier and i'm under copious amounts of stress to get it done before lunch time and it doesn't help when numerous problems arise. it's been awhile since i've had kopi so i guess the effects are quite...hmm, well, strong! lol. and it really kept me going, i was zipping around, fully concentrating on various tasks, only interrupted by JP and a few phone calls... i haven't had lunch yet but i'm not hungry... last night fiona tempted me with the thought of mcgriddles for breakfast, but i managed to resist... until big bird came in and had bought that for breakfast! and he gave me half of it (cos he felt bad that he didn't think of me when ordering lol) and so i'm not very hungry although the boys are wanting to lunch soon...

i try really hard actually~~

fears

i'm scared of touch.

it's such a contradiction. i was brought up with plenty of hugs and kisses. i need them. but now, i'm scared of the intimacy of a mere touch, of me touching someone or someone touching me. i want a hug, i'm crying out for one. but i feel myself tense up, giving out vibes that i don't want anyone near me.

i only consciously realised how fearful i was this morning, when D reached out for my hand. and i noticed that every lesson, he would at some point hold my hand to ask me something, usually if he had been a good boy or not. and how i would tense and as he continued on with his work, still holding on to my hand, how i would gently pull away my hand.

just the other day, i was standing over A's desk when big bird came over and saw my hands resting on A's desk. and big bird goes, "oh... shiny nails... can i touch?" i wasn't sure if he was kidding or not so just went, "erm..... okayyyyyyyyyy........." and then he went to touch my nails -__- both A and i were speechless! and i felt weird, like i would never have felt this way before, it's only nails for goodness' sake!

maybe i'm really just scared. i know i have nothing to fear, maybe just scared of myself. i know what i'm capable of, of so easily losing myself. transformation of mind, michelle!!! listen to the wise one's words ;) albeit plagiarised hahaha ok i'm really kidding!!!

but i admit that i had fallen, and then in the end, fallen so damn hard that it hurts like hell. but something to learn too... that God allows bad things to happen so that we will learn, and learn to depend on him is what i did. am doing.

perhaps, underlying everything, is the fear of rejection. something i thought i had gotten over...

love is a 4 letter word

this exchange took place in front of my eyes, on my tv screen...

"thank you for your misplaced love."

"am i not as good as her?"

"you're different from her. comparison is unnecessary. my love for her will never change."

girl leaves with package from boy that she has promised to pass to his girl.

she walks down the street with heavy heart and vacant eyes.

his words echoed back into her mind.

she struggles to take another step, clutches at her aching heart, then stumbles to the ground.

-- i am sick again. woke up this morning feeling light headed and not being able to breathe properly. started feeling slight cold symptoms which has now worsened :( and am feeling rather panicky about tomorrow...

Sundays are sunny

i had the class all to myself today. and i must admit, i've fallen so much in love with them that the ones who couldn't make it, i felt my heart ache thinking that i won't see them for another week. so much misses...

i'm still terrified though, of teaching... so many questions i don't have the answers to. and the ones that i think i am able to answer, i can't seem to simplify! but i'm glad they are thinking so deeply and so much and i hope to encourage them to keep asking, keep questioning, not just about God but about everything in life. to always question presumptions and challenge assumptions.

but today's lesson was good, thank God! the topic was on forgiveness... irony or coincidence?? the psalm was psalm 32... i really hope the kids understood the psalm, really tried to break it down verse by verse. this one was easier to explain ie. no cheem words we all didn't understand! can't say the same for cheem concepts though =/ but it's the discussions i really enjoy with them. getting them to open up more of themselves as well.

have you ever had to forgive somebody for hurting you?

have you ever had to ask forgiveness from someone you hurt?

qi ah, qi... maybe you were spot on afterall, that i'll be able to share my experiences ;) but rest assured, i did not pour out my heart on the kids! but i did manage to share the process... the feeling of not knowing why people would even want to hurt us, the pain that we feel from it, not wanting to forgive... i hope they understand why it is important to forgive, that God will be the one to judge and that we have to forgive just as Jesus did. and also, why it is important to say sorry and to ask for forgiveness from God.

and raymond and i are trying to make full good use of our CM prayer journal. it's funny, that when i ask if they had any prayer requests and they say no, then i would ask, "sure? how about exams?" and suddenly they were saying yes! and then they thought of more things to pray for :) hmm.. still need to get them to pray though... hehe

miss them already...