my future decided

i've been fretting over applying to jp for the last week.
it's one big thing that has been driving me crazy!
not knowing if it's the right move to make.
i really like where i am right now, especially the part where i will have opportunities to travel!
but i know, it's all in his hands and i just need to trust him to guide the way.
if it's in his will for my life then it will surely happen.
otherwise, then he must have more awesome plans for me!
he knows all and my future has been planned already :)

at this very moment, i feel very sad and somehow burdened.
not knowing what to do...
the future is so uncertain, and i hate not knowing.
i know i need to have trust.
a lot of trust.
sigh, my heart is beating very fast, too fast.
and my eyes are burning, refusing to let the tears surface.
why is it so difficult?
i've made a choice, i need to follow it through.
but it's just so hard..

because of who you are

heart skipping beats,
tummy fluttering,
just unable to tear my eyes off you.
there is something different about you.

i love that...
..you're kind and generous
..you're always so forgiving
..you have so much patience
..you're intelligent and sensitive
..you're not judgemental
..you have a heart for God, and i pray you never lose it

i couldn't help wondering if there's anyone in your life.
or if our paths will ever merge.
am i wondering too much?
wondering too far?
i wonder, why you won't look or speak to me.

i think i'm staring at you too much.
i need to stop thinking and staring and....
and wonder when i'll see you again~~

it goes on...

life moves along. sure enough, it does. no matter how hard you try to hang on to every last bit of the past, life goes on. and soon enough, sooner than expected, you forget the past. the memories fades along the edges and you can't quite remember how or what. sweet memories that had turned bitter are now forgotten, something you think you remember sometimes.


and perhaps, this is what you've wished for all along. it is what you've prayed for.

now, it's beyond regret that you want to remember.
but still, the heart hurts...

我也会慢慢走开

today i spent my working hours day dreaming about you.
i know it's so stupid, and i wanted to kill myself for thinking so much about you.
but i just couldn't control my wandering thoughts...
maybe you're the reason i haven't facebook-stalk my eye candies (even though it's been 5 weeks now..time flies)
is it weird, that i don't want to talk about this huge crush of mine?
maybe, i just don't want any judgements..
because, well...because, you mean a lot to me, more than i want to admit.
perhaps, it's for this reason that i just need to let go.
i need to walk away. again.

crushed

i am so conflicted it's just maddening!!!
i hate that i have a crush. a major one!
i think, it's been there for awhile... i just didn't realise that it never went away.
and having a crush is not as rosy or sweet as it sounds, if anything, it's just more painful.
when it's a one-sided attraction, affection, longing (ok that just sounds sleazy -_-), it can only lead to misery =(
especially when he doesn't notice me... (at all)
i think he only knows me as "the-girl-who-keeps-staring-at-me"
or more accurately, "the-girl-who-keeps-stealing-glances-at-me-while-i-pretend-not-to-notice"
like joelle asked, can you really love unconditionally?? especially when it's not being reciprocated?? or that he doesn't know that i'm pining after him??
ok, i exaggerate... i'm not pining.
in fact, i'm preparing myself for a life alone. really! i am!! i just don't think i'll meet someone who would regard me as their other half...
how long do you think i can last being invisible?
yes, it may tear me up inside...but it's better than risking him avoiding him like the plague.
been there, done that, doesn't really feel that good when people bo chap me... (which i hate, by the way..drives me crazy..makes me question everything about me)

sigh.. i'm only 23, that's still pretty young.
yet, i feel that i'm ready to leave..
i'm just sick and tired. it's as if i'm waiting for the world to change.
or at least my life.

cos u had a bad day

i made myself almost cry at work today.
and it's the silliest thing...
but those words, not even directed at me, still hurts..
because i knew, have always known, will always know
it's frustrating because i know better, but i still feel:
not worthy, and not good enough.

monday blues

SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!!!!!!
i walked around like a zombie today. almost fell asleep on the bus, on the train, at work...
but as soon as i collapsed on my bed, the need to fall asleep disappears -_-
and guess what i had for dinner?? .... yup, MOS burger...again!!
woke up with that wretched sore throat again, which disappeared by lunch time.
but that was replaced by nauseousness that made me grateful the toilets are not far away.
my ipod is giving me the s**ts and i need to get it fixed (before hk trip).
and when i was queuing up to order my MOS, the guy in front of me left and just as i was about to step forward, this freakin' chinese (as in chee-nahhhhh) girl who was lining up at the queue beside mine barged her way in front of me!!!!!!
i mean i've heard about the inconsidereate-ness and lack of social etiquette in their country but this is singapore!!!!! hello???? when in rome....????? never heard of that one?!?!?!?!
i can't express how super duper irritated i was and it took every ounce of energy i had left in me not to snap at her or GLARE at her ;(
sigh...and since yesterday afternoon i have somehow spiralled into a depressive emo state, and i wonder what happend to the happy, confident me that had been jumping around for the last 2-3 weeks...

less than 2 more weeks...
all happiness will be mine =)
i'm counting down!

the 9th of july

today bordered on depression.
and i wondered why...
then i remembered.
today is the 9th of july.
and i still remember.
sigh.
:'(

smell whinge #2

some people should be more considerate...
especially when watsons, guardian AND 7-11 don't sell air fresheners!!!
this close to murdering someone...