what the heart wants...

one month has again managed to stealthily pass me by...

i reasoned that it's because I spent half the month being sick, first with tonsillitis then the flu. it was hard work ok...pathetically lying in bed...in fact, i've had so much rest/sleep lately that i can't get past 10pm without a yawn sneaking up on me. and i've just realised that it's 12.56am and i'll regret it tmr morning when i snooze my alarm for the millionth time and then jolt up suddenly at 7.35 thinking "s**t s**t s**t", looking at the time and wait for my heart to start beating again...

i've been praying hard lately: dear Lord, please bring me home, I miss my family and friends.
not satisfied, i planned to call mummy up and start crying so that she'll give me permission to come home soon. by the way, i didn't manage to get to it cos i was sick. but i still kept praying, especially when i was lying in bed, thinking i might actually be dying, and missing having mummy and mel around to fuss over me.
on Sunday, my prayers were answered. mummy asked me to check if i can take leave in august and coincide with their trip to melbourne.
I got really excited and after browsing the cheapest alternatives to get home (include changing planes and even taking up to 17 hours to get to brisbane even though it's only 8hours on a direct flight), i decided that i'll cough up $200 more to take the SQ direct to Brisbane. And then only after I charged it to my credit card did I get a sudden panic attack - overspent last month and struggling to pay my credit card bill and now the next month i'll be so tight with the airfares to pay for... but God is really looking out for me, mummy told me she will pay for the airfare (without me asking too!).

i've also come to realise that my blog is "boring" cos I hardly ever post up photos and it's all words words and more words. well, what can i say? I like talking. Alot.

I can't wait to go home! Back to the Gold Coast, feeling the soft sand between my toes, wind in my face, driving 120km/h on the highway...i mean 110km/h :) which reminds me that I need to renew my licence!! And partying with all my friends! I've missed the girls so much :( when you've spent 2 years living with each other, the bonds of friendship become so much tighter so much faster. total strangers become brothers and sisters. i remember my first meeting with each one of these girls (and boys)....

And so now I feel at peace.

I'm just too far, from where you are, I wanna go home.

I miss my little sister. I feel she needs me now. "Dearie, I know you hate Business and you never should have given up on Design and I know you need to go back to that. So don't hesitate and just go for it. You have our blessings."

I love the fact that my family always talk things out together. When I wanted to come back to Singapore and find a job here, start my career here, in the end, it was a family decision. Mel burst into tears but she didn't stop me from leaving and I am grateful for that.

all i feel like doing is curling up with a good book and john mayer playing in the background. i miss having moments like that all to myself. and at the same time, i don't want to be left alone. though there's so many people around me, i feel so alone and lonely. the loneliness weighs my little heart down. i feel like so much of an outsider. watching on, joining in, but never being part of the group. it only makes me so much more aware of how ostracised i feel. and that's probably the reason why here doesn't feel like home. now i know why they say it's lonely at the top.

i feel really frustrated. there's so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go. blame it on my ambitious streak. sometimes I feel that i'm ready to take on a new city, a new challenge. but then i get shit scared cos i know how hard it is to start over. and then again, i also feel that i should settle down. then i get worried - what if i find someone i wanted to spend the rest of my life with? will i stay? am i too much of a wandering spirit? and then i smack myself. why am i thinking of this now??? remember, God's perfect timing. and truly, Gloria is my motivation for this. although we didn't have time to really talk this out, there have been so many moments of little things that she's said that I've locked in my mind (",)

sigh. there's a lot that's bothering me. and a lot of daydreaming. i wish my brain had an "off" switch so i would just stop thinking so much!!

tmr, or rather today, i'll have some time with pao to catch up and watching shrek 3. i can just see me talking and talking and talking. my little darling pau, pls just tell me to shut up and put up if i get too d&m and go all emo on u!

and the world keeps on going, time ticks on...