monday night. he told me he had learnt to play a new song.
so he played it for me. over msn.
*secretly smiling*
gloria, you know.... ;) OH! but just on a side note that is completely unrelated to this post, gloria...i have a confession that i cannot hold in anymore!!! hehehe.... perth indeed....
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
something's wrong
i seriously don't know what exactly is wrong but i've been feeling seriously off for more than a week now.
thank God that i've recovered from the stupid chest infection BUT for some reason, my throat will randomly feel itchy and the cough that follows is really horrible...so bad that i end up vomiting :( then there are days when i wake up and my tummy hurts and i'd have the urge to vomit. and i've been feeling hungry and eating so much lately =/ late night binge eating...on junk food too! ugh....sooo bad...
then there's the insomnia... i'd gone to bed really late (or early depends how u see it) on sunday night after a VERY long day out and was super exhausted, had a headache, stomache and backache! only to wake up at 3.30am and realised i had been dreaming about past&future and without even realising it, i was crying and all i could think was: "oh no...crying and sleeping is not good! i'm gonna get terrible eyebags!"
and i've been so freaking mad the last few days!!
i was angry and yet i kept it in, refusing to give up, knowing the days are numbered when i'll have time.
but again and again i've been let down and i just couldn't hold it in anymore.
i needed to vent.
how unfair life seems to be to me.
and yet i know, reminded by the other huang xiao jie, that i need to learn to let go, to relax, to not take things so personally.
slowly, things are getting better... i took a huge leap today (despite several crazy wild uniquely michelle diversions).
thank God that i've recovered from the stupid chest infection BUT for some reason, my throat will randomly feel itchy and the cough that follows is really horrible...so bad that i end up vomiting :( then there are days when i wake up and my tummy hurts and i'd have the urge to vomit. and i've been feeling hungry and eating so much lately =/ late night binge eating...on junk food too! ugh....sooo bad...
then there's the insomnia... i'd gone to bed really late (or early depends how u see it) on sunday night after a VERY long day out and was super exhausted, had a headache, stomache and backache! only to wake up at 3.30am and realised i had been dreaming about past&future and without even realising it, i was crying and all i could think was: "oh no...crying and sleeping is not good! i'm gonna get terrible eyebags!"
and i've been so freaking mad the last few days!!
i was angry and yet i kept it in, refusing to give up, knowing the days are numbered when i'll have time.
but again and again i've been let down and i just couldn't hold it in anymore.
i needed to vent.
how unfair life seems to be to me.
and yet i know, reminded by the other huang xiao jie, that i need to learn to let go, to relax, to not take things so personally.
slowly, things are getting better... i took a huge leap today (despite several crazy wild uniquely michelle diversions).
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
thoughts for the day
had lunch with mummy's very long-time friend today and it brought some perspective back into my life...
one thing that was brought up was the fact that i need to go back to australia...within the next 3 years (if i want to retain my PR or take up citizenship). at this point, i really don't know... should i or shouldn't i? i have about 1.5 years to think about it.
why 1.5 years? because my sister will graduate at that time, and then i will follow her (or she follows me). sydney? melbourne? singapore? london? new york? or....(dare i dream?!)... switzerland?!
but really, honestly, i don't know where i want to go or what i want to do...
sigh...i really feel that i have so much pressure and expectation that is put on me, because i'm my mother's daughter. feels like there is no room for failure.
but i have been really thinking, regardless of how old i feel, i'm actually still young!! i can change careers without fear, i still have confidence (or at least able to fake it), the world is my oyster!
just on the weekend, i was catching up with my BFF from uni and she was asking me if i was enjoying the single life. my answer went something like "not enjoying but accepting". but i've been thinking about it a bit and not being attached gives me freedom of choice of what i plan to do with my life. ie, i don't have to plan my life around his! and that lead to more thinking! like, i don't need to be attached. what were my reasons for getting in a relationship?! intimacy?! but then, of course, many times this year i've been reminded not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom 12:2) and for me, personally, in the area of relationships, is to honour God, which really more than anything relates to the area of physical intimacy. so, i'm really ok at this point with being single, and when the right person comes along.... prayerfully, physical intimacy will not be a hurdle too high in our relationship. if you think about it, being single is really preserving my honour too LOL. well, when i decided to take up the cross and live a life that puts God first, i knew that he had forgiven my past and accepting that forgiveness wasn't easy, i was often haunted, only too aware that being human, there was a chance that i would fall back to the old life. BUT this is a good reminder for me and my fellow brothers & sisters in Christ and all my friends in sg and au that perhaps we should take a step back and re-evaluate what relationships are really meant to be (forever or right now?), WHY we're in the relationship (if we are) and ask, is your relationship Christ-centered? (which doesn't just mean that you pray together or do devotions together or go to church together or serve in ministry together... does your WHOLE relationship glorify God? or would you hide like adam and eve?) BUT above all, what i have learnt is to seek the love of a forgiving father.
anyways, this is as much as i can get out right now... am very tired and sleepy! but i've made it past mid-week and God has granted me lots of strength and energy :) don't feel as tired as easily and quickly! 2 more days til the weekend! hope to spend lots of time with all my friends! have people i want to catch up with and spend lots of time with before they leave me again ;) oh! and Christine will be in HK same time as me! wow, another friend there! it's gonna be one crazy holiday and i absolutely can't wait!!!
one thing that was brought up was the fact that i need to go back to australia...within the next 3 years (if i want to retain my PR or take up citizenship). at this point, i really don't know... should i or shouldn't i? i have about 1.5 years to think about it.
why 1.5 years? because my sister will graduate at that time, and then i will follow her (or she follows me). sydney? melbourne? singapore? london? new york? or....(dare i dream?!)... switzerland?!
but really, honestly, i don't know where i want to go or what i want to do...
sigh...i really feel that i have so much pressure and expectation that is put on me, because i'm my mother's daughter. feels like there is no room for failure.
but i have been really thinking, regardless of how old i feel, i'm actually still young!! i can change careers without fear, i still have confidence (or at least able to fake it), the world is my oyster!
just on the weekend, i was catching up with my BFF from uni and she was asking me if i was enjoying the single life. my answer went something like "not enjoying but accepting". but i've been thinking about it a bit and not being attached gives me freedom of choice of what i plan to do with my life. ie, i don't have to plan my life around his! and that lead to more thinking! like, i don't need to be attached. what were my reasons for getting in a relationship?! intimacy?! but then, of course, many times this year i've been reminded not to conform to the patterns of this world but to be transformed by the renewing of my mind (Rom 12:2) and for me, personally, in the area of relationships, is to honour God, which really more than anything relates to the area of physical intimacy. so, i'm really ok at this point with being single, and when the right person comes along.... prayerfully, physical intimacy will not be a hurdle too high in our relationship. if you think about it, being single is really preserving my honour too LOL. well, when i decided to take up the cross and live a life that puts God first, i knew that he had forgiven my past and accepting that forgiveness wasn't easy, i was often haunted, only too aware that being human, there was a chance that i would fall back to the old life. BUT this is a good reminder for me and my fellow brothers & sisters in Christ and all my friends in sg and au that perhaps we should take a step back and re-evaluate what relationships are really meant to be (forever or right now?), WHY we're in the relationship (if we are) and ask, is your relationship Christ-centered? (which doesn't just mean that you pray together or do devotions together or go to church together or serve in ministry together... does your WHOLE relationship glorify God? or would you hide like adam and eve?) BUT above all, what i have learnt is to seek the love of a forgiving father.
anyways, this is as much as i can get out right now... am very tired and sleepy! but i've made it past mid-week and God has granted me lots of strength and energy :) don't feel as tired as easily and quickly! 2 more days til the weekend! hope to spend lots of time with all my friends! have people i want to catch up with and spend lots of time with before they leave me again ;) oh! and Christine will be in HK same time as me! wow, another friend there! it's gonna be one crazy holiday and i absolutely can't wait!!!
Friday, June 13, 2008
Hate That I Love You
Rihanna
That’s how much I love you
That’s how much I need you
And I can’t stand ya
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like it for awhile
No.. but you won’t let me
You upset me girl, then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset
Can’t remember what you did
Well I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long, that’s wrong
Girl, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more
So I despise that I adore
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I
Love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain’t right
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me
That’s how much I love you
That’s how much I need you
And I can’t stand ya
Must everything you do make me wanna smile
Can I not like it for awhile
No.. but you won’t let me
You upset me girl, then you kiss my lips
All of a sudden I forget that I was upset
Can’t remember what you did
Well I hate it
You know exactly what to do
So that I can’t stay mad at you
For too long, that’s wrong
Girl, I hate it
You know exactly how to touch
So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more
So I despise that I adore
And I hate how much I love you boy
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you boy
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so..
And you completely know the power that you have
The only one that makes me laugh
Sad and it’s not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I
Love you beyond the reason why
And it just ain’t right
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can’t stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I just can’t let you go
And I hate that I love you so
One of these days maybe your magic won’t affect me
And your kiss won’t make me weak
But no one in this world knows me the way you know me
So you’ll probably always have a spell on me
Bleeding Love
Leona Lewis
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding...
Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling
But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open
And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
tai tai for a day
and i really felt like i was!
firstly, took my time to wake up this morning before leisurely getting dressed to meet Jane for lunch. it had been such a long time since we had met up (ok, before i left for my trip so not that long). there were quite alot to catch up on...
and after lunch was over, AC was still stuck at training and was bored senseless... berating me via sms and suggesting that i go look for his friend *ahem* and after he was done, i was already at dhoby ghaut!
went to the cathay and got a mani/pedi :) very relaxing. and then after that it was coffee with Fiona before meeting up with the rest of the girls for quick dinner and then to catch a movie: Sex and the City!
it was an awesome movie! totally loved it =) and how true it is that girls are smart...until they fall in love. we're all fools in love. love blinds. etc. etc. and i'm also sorry to say this but life isn't like in the movies... there are no fairy tale endings, you're not guaranteed to get your boy back.
anyway, to end this post of, i have come to the conclusion that i am so not tai tai material! i need to do things, keep busy...
but i think when i have kids, it will be different. it's weird, as much as i am ambitious, i also want to be involved in raising my children. it's important to be in their lives, no use regretting that you had missed out on their childhood just because you were too busy bringing in the dough. of course, not every situation is ideal as that. but sometimes, you have to make sacrifices... and God provides!
firstly, took my time to wake up this morning before leisurely getting dressed to meet Jane for lunch. it had been such a long time since we had met up (ok, before i left for my trip so not that long). there were quite alot to catch up on...
and after lunch was over, AC was still stuck at training and was bored senseless... berating me via sms and suggesting that i go look for his friend *ahem* and after he was done, i was already at dhoby ghaut!
went to the cathay and got a mani/pedi :) very relaxing. and then after that it was coffee with Fiona before meeting up with the rest of the girls for quick dinner and then to catch a movie: Sex and the City!
it was an awesome movie! totally loved it =) and how true it is that girls are smart...until they fall in love. we're all fools in love. love blinds. etc. etc. and i'm also sorry to say this but life isn't like in the movies... there are no fairy tale endings, you're not guaranteed to get your boy back.
anyway, to end this post of, i have come to the conclusion that i am so not tai tai material! i need to do things, keep busy...
but i think when i have kids, it will be different. it's weird, as much as i am ambitious, i also want to be involved in raising my children. it's important to be in their lives, no use regretting that you had missed out on their childhood just because you were too busy bringing in the dough. of course, not every situation is ideal as that. but sometimes, you have to make sacrifices... and God provides!
Sunday, June 08, 2008
perth experience [27-29 May 2008]
it's the people who make your time spent memorable
and i enjoyed every single moment i spent in perth!
did you know that it's almost exactly the same distance (and hence, time) to travel from Brisbane to Perth as it is from Perth to Singapore?!!
that is, almost 4000km and 5.5hrs...
the touchdown
well... my flight had been delayed in Brisbane due to a number of factors...
if only i had known then i could have spent a little more time with Chris
who, btw, i found rather student-ish looking (read, dishevelled and looked like he just woke up. it was noon)
my first time in the Brisbane domestic terminal!!
hmm...ok, unnecessary excitement...
the flight was rather uneventful, which i spent with my iPod.
BUT i was super excited to see MISS PHUA again!
the girl didn't reply my texts but i hoped she got it...
and she did! hehe!
she tried to surprise me by hiding behind some trolleys but, sorry gal! i spotted you first! LOL!
we refused to pay the $4 for a trolley and so GP being all heroic, attempted to carry my super heavy (17kg) bag to her car.
i suggested that i wait for her outside the airport while she gets the car instead. (it was really heavy)
we had fun trying to get it up the stairs... or rather, GP had fun bringing it up the stairs!
a bit of rest and then GP brought me to dinner and movie with her friends :)
dinner at mahsuri, which had pretty good satays! and then went to see Indiana Jones which totally sucked
found Gelare which was next to the cinema, and thanks to the whole experience of perth and the company, now when i walk past a Gelare in Singapore, i think of perth!
after that, had supper at a 24-hr diner!!! LOL where i was first introduced to the game Bang!
GP tried to teach me then passed the duty over to Ian when she "died" hehe...
it was a fun night and, GP: your friends are awesome! :)
cold, wet day
we had it all planned! we were going to Rottnest and snorkel and tan and and and.... it wasn't meant to be!
overcast, cloudy, sprinkles of showers, cold.
so with little choice, we decided on breaky at King's Park, mini shopping trip in Perth city, then down to Swan Valley for wine and chocolate!
and then....dinner at the very raved-about Ciao Italia! the food and company were great, although Sarah and Gloria made a boo-boo ordering... waiter must have thought we really like the Ciao Italia sauce! ROFL! and poor Gabriel and the prawns...
so after dinner.... it was more food!!! went to Moon Cafe where we had fries and perhaps one of the best mud cake in Aussie-land! and i played Bang! this time around LOL! it was definitely lots of fun, trying to decide who to kill off first...hmm decisions decisions! and miss phua making fun of me lining my cards up neatly ;(
really wished i could have spent more time in perth.. there were so many things i wanted to do and try... like the CHILLI MUSSELS and going to Rottnest and going down south and trying the ice thing with the cute penguins!!! sighzzz...
sunny but sad
ironically, the day i leave it's sunny like crazy!!
we dropped Gina off for her early morning exam and went to Scaborough for a relaxing breakfast at Dome.
i'm really such a coastie, i feel so much at home when i'm by the beach, when i can see the open ocean against the mountainous backdrop...
after Gina's exam we had yum cha for lunch! and it was THE BEST egg custard i have ever had!
next stop was the airport... really sad for me to be leaving... back to reality and life and things that i cannot keep avoiding...
but before i left.... Gloria says i have to try the lime cake at Dome! so a rather quick bite at the airport and then it was hugs and byes... til we meet again!
really thanks to Gloria for feeding me so much while i was in Perth!
swan spotting \ indiana jones \ after breaky
our wonderful breakfast time & catching up with news by Scaborough beach
and i enjoyed every single moment i spent in perth!
did you know that it's almost exactly the same distance (and hence, time) to travel from Brisbane to Perth as it is from Perth to Singapore?!!
that is, almost 4000km and 5.5hrs...
the touchdown
well... my flight had been delayed in Brisbane due to a number of factors...
if only i had known then i could have spent a little more time with Chris
who, btw, i found rather student-ish looking (read, dishevelled and looked like he just woke up. it was noon)
my first time in the Brisbane domestic terminal!!
hmm...ok, unnecessary excitement...
the flight was rather uneventful, which i spent with my iPod.
BUT i was super excited to see MISS PHUA again!
the girl didn't reply my texts but i hoped she got it...
and she did! hehe!
she tried to surprise me by hiding behind some trolleys but, sorry gal! i spotted you first! LOL!
we refused to pay the $4 for a trolley and so GP being all heroic, attempted to carry my super heavy (17kg) bag to her car.
i suggested that i wait for her outside the airport while she gets the car instead. (it was really heavy)
we had fun trying to get it up the stairs... or rather, GP had fun bringing it up the stairs!
a bit of rest and then GP brought me to dinner and movie with her friends :)
dinner at mahsuri, which had pretty good satays! and then went to see Indiana Jones which totally sucked
found Gelare which was next to the cinema, and thanks to the whole experience of perth and the company, now when i walk past a Gelare in Singapore, i think of perth!
after that, had supper at a 24-hr diner!!! LOL where i was first introduced to the game Bang!
GP tried to teach me then passed the duty over to Ian when she "died" hehe...
it was a fun night and, GP: your friends are awesome! :)
cold, wet day
we had it all planned! we were going to Rottnest and snorkel and tan and and and.... it wasn't meant to be!
overcast, cloudy, sprinkles of showers, cold.
so with little choice, we decided on breaky at King's Park, mini shopping trip in Perth city, then down to Swan Valley for wine and chocolate!
and then....dinner at the very raved-about Ciao Italia! the food and company were great, although Sarah and Gloria made a boo-boo ordering... waiter must have thought we really like the Ciao Italia sauce! ROFL! and poor Gabriel and the prawns...
so after dinner.... it was more food!!! went to Moon Cafe where we had fries and perhaps one of the best mud cake in Aussie-land! and i played Bang! this time around LOL! it was definitely lots of fun, trying to decide who to kill off first...hmm decisions decisions! and miss phua making fun of me lining my cards up neatly ;(
really wished i could have spent more time in perth.. there were so many things i wanted to do and try... like the CHILLI MUSSELS and going to Rottnest and going down south and trying the ice thing with the cute penguins!!! sighzzz...
sunny but sad
ironically, the day i leave it's sunny like crazy!!
we dropped Gina off for her early morning exam and went to Scaborough for a relaxing breakfast at Dome.
i'm really such a coastie, i feel so much at home when i'm by the beach, when i can see the open ocean against the mountainous backdrop...
after Gina's exam we had yum cha for lunch! and it was THE BEST egg custard i have ever had!
next stop was the airport... really sad for me to be leaving... back to reality and life and things that i cannot keep avoiding...
but before i left.... Gloria says i have to try the lime cake at Dome! so a rather quick bite at the airport and then it was hugs and byes... til we meet again!
really thanks to Gloria for feeding me so much while i was in Perth!
but the best part was that I enjoyed every single second spent with Gloria! i miss you gal... we should spend more quality time like this when you get back!! (and you better be back soon!)
swan spotting \ indiana jones \ after breakyswan spotting \ bubble tea \ by the vineyards
relaxing at scaborough beach \ random surfer volunteered to take a photo for us \ in the car with bluey and pinky *hee*
good times with Gloria's friends (",)
our wonderful breakfast time & catching up with news by Scaborough beach
Saturday, June 07, 2008
priceless...
procrastinating and found these snippets with "All Out Of Love" playing in the background
Dear Heart
I met a boy today,
prepare to shatter
Broken Hearts
Shattered Lies
Everything always goes great until you believe a lie
You said you LOVED me
....WHAT A LIE
i see the way you look at her & i'd be lyin' if i said i didn't hurt
a heart so big it hurts like hell
Bottle up your old love,
throw it out to sea
and watch it float away
as you cry
Our
Love Song
has come to
An End...
You hurt me
So much
When all I
Ever did was
Love you
hours go by before she looks at me.
she breaks my heart
the one guy that i love...
doesn't know that i love him...
if he only knew
since the first time we met
i knew you'd be hard to forget
like a broken mirror.
my heart can't fix itself
what else do you want?? i'm bleeding for you...
isn't that ENOUGH!?!
i hate looking back at old photographs with me and a boy in it
it's heavy and it hurts. it's love.
i just want one guy to prove me that they're not all the same...
& so it is the shorter story. no love, no glory, no hero in her sky
i remember when we LOVED each other.
...Remember?
you don't care.
you're still the one i'm waiting for.
I'm 99% sure he doesn't like me.
It's the 1% that keeps me hanging on.
you're the one i just can't live without
i miss you less each day you're gone
love is like war
easy to start
hard to end
impossible to forget
Friday, June 06, 2008
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Church Camp 2008
There is a plan for me.
So, I spent 2.5 weeks in Australia and got myself some perspective.
And then, I came back to reality... Actually, no, I went to Church Camp!
Honestly, I was really scared...
But I'm really glad I didn't back out (really, mainly thanks to someone who shall not be named).
I had a really good time getting to know the kids and there were so many things that happened to me during the camp that I knew I was meant to be there.
And I really fell in love with the kids :)
on the bus to Malacca
really yummy MANGO ICE (cheap too!)
my group! so adorable (",)(GP, can u spot Wayne?!)
Jodi & Pam, 2 angels =)
with all the P1-P3 after our race!
Jodi & Pam, 2 angels =)
with all the P1-P3 after our race!
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
now what?
what do i do? what should i do?
life ahead seems so uncertain, i'm at such a loss...
sigh... i really don't know what to do.
life ahead seems so uncertain, i'm at such a loss...
sigh... i really don't know what to do.
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