to kill a dead soul

"you make me smile,

you make me laugh,

you make me feel tall,

you make me be who i want to be,
you make me feel smart,
but sometimes also make me feel dumb -_-,

you make me appreciate,

you make me realize,
you make me not forget,
you make me nervous,
you make me sleepless,

you make me watch Ghost Whisperer at 1 in the morning,

you make me distracted [not optional],

and most of all,

you make me feel loved.

to me, you're God's answer to my prayers.

to me, you're more than enough."

were they romantic poetic gestures,
or were they empty words to appease a troublesome desperado?
there's so many things i could say right now.
could anybody have saved me from the last year?
time and emotion spent and wasted.

somebody should make me into a hallmark card-warm,fuzzy,loving feelings guaranteed to brighten up your day or put a cheer into your heart.



esad la.
foff.

yay! 2 weeks more before i start german classes!

bitter\\sweet

my heart was beating so fast, pounding against my chest so hard i could hear it echoing in my ears. my shaking fingers felt so clumsy, beyond my control. my breath caught in my throat and i didn't even realise i had stopped breathing. heart hammering as if begging to be let out. slight trace of tears pricking the back of my eyes. but i just refused to stop. instead, i kept going, some small voice in my head instructing me through the steps. until i couldn't go on any more. i casually looked up, smiled brightly, still shaking hand pushing away my fringe from my face.

"YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!!!" i screamed at myself silently.
but still i keep thinking about you.
how much i want to get to know you.
and i felt and heard my heart break.
because i think there is a more likely chance of me dying a slow torturous death.

and how much i don't want to sound like a freaky stalker!

i'm so afraid, that momo-chan will find out who you are. or all the girls for that matter..
is it so important that you remain a secret, so that no one can burst this bubble??

bad day, bad mood

i admitted to joelle things i feel about you today...
and she made a lot of good points
but thinking about some of them really got my blood boiling.
sigh, i know i should stop here...it's no use...
yet i can't seem to think, to wonder, if you ever saw me here at all.
if you know, that i'm waiting patiently (ok, impatiently) here for you.
the right thing for me to do, is to walk away.
but i can't seem to, it feels so difficult.
so conflicted, my insides are doing weird things...
i'm driving myself crazy =/

你对我来说 你就像天使一样

my future decided

i've been fretting over applying to jp for the last week.
it's one big thing that has been driving me crazy!
not knowing if it's the right move to make.
i really like where i am right now, especially the part where i will have opportunities to travel!
but i know, it's all in his hands and i just need to trust him to guide the way.
if it's in his will for my life then it will surely happen.
otherwise, then he must have more awesome plans for me!
he knows all and my future has been planned already :)

at this very moment, i feel very sad and somehow burdened.
not knowing what to do...
the future is so uncertain, and i hate not knowing.
i know i need to have trust.
a lot of trust.
sigh, my heart is beating very fast, too fast.
and my eyes are burning, refusing to let the tears surface.
why is it so difficult?
i've made a choice, i need to follow it through.
but it's just so hard..

because of who you are

heart skipping beats,
tummy fluttering,
just unable to tear my eyes off you.
there is something different about you.

i love that...
..you're kind and generous
..you're always so forgiving
..you have so much patience
..you're intelligent and sensitive
..you're not judgemental
..you have a heart for God, and i pray you never lose it

i couldn't help wondering if there's anyone in your life.
or if our paths will ever merge.
am i wondering too much?
wondering too far?
i wonder, why you won't look or speak to me.

i think i'm staring at you too much.
i need to stop thinking and staring and....
and wonder when i'll see you again~~

it goes on...

life moves along. sure enough, it does. no matter how hard you try to hang on to every last bit of the past, life goes on. and soon enough, sooner than expected, you forget the past. the memories fades along the edges and you can't quite remember how or what. sweet memories that had turned bitter are now forgotten, something you think you remember sometimes.


and perhaps, this is what you've wished for all along. it is what you've prayed for.

now, it's beyond regret that you want to remember.
but still, the heart hurts...

我也会慢慢走开

today i spent my working hours day dreaming about you.
i know it's so stupid, and i wanted to kill myself for thinking so much about you.
but i just couldn't control my wandering thoughts...
maybe you're the reason i haven't facebook-stalk my eye candies (even though it's been 5 weeks now..time flies)
is it weird, that i don't want to talk about this huge crush of mine?
maybe, i just don't want any judgements..
because, well...because, you mean a lot to me, more than i want to admit.
perhaps, it's for this reason that i just need to let go.
i need to walk away. again.

crushed

i am so conflicted it's just maddening!!!
i hate that i have a crush. a major one!
i think, it's been there for awhile... i just didn't realise that it never went away.
and having a crush is not as rosy or sweet as it sounds, if anything, it's just more painful.
when it's a one-sided attraction, affection, longing (ok that just sounds sleazy -_-), it can only lead to misery =(
especially when he doesn't notice me... (at all)
i think he only knows me as "the-girl-who-keeps-staring-at-me"
or more accurately, "the-girl-who-keeps-stealing-glances-at-me-while-i-pretend-not-to-notice"
like joelle asked, can you really love unconditionally?? especially when it's not being reciprocated?? or that he doesn't know that i'm pining after him??
ok, i exaggerate... i'm not pining.
in fact, i'm preparing myself for a life alone. really! i am!! i just don't think i'll meet someone who would regard me as their other half...
how long do you think i can last being invisible?
yes, it may tear me up inside...but it's better than risking him avoiding him like the plague.
been there, done that, doesn't really feel that good when people bo chap me... (which i hate, by the way..drives me crazy..makes me question everything about me)

sigh.. i'm only 23, that's still pretty young.
yet, i feel that i'm ready to leave..
i'm just sick and tired. it's as if i'm waiting for the world to change.
or at least my life.

cos u had a bad day

i made myself almost cry at work today.
and it's the silliest thing...
but those words, not even directed at me, still hurts..
because i knew, have always known, will always know
it's frustrating because i know better, but i still feel:
not worthy, and not good enough.

monday blues

SLEEP DEPRIVED!!!!!!!!
i walked around like a zombie today. almost fell asleep on the bus, on the train, at work...
but as soon as i collapsed on my bed, the need to fall asleep disappears -_-
and guess what i had for dinner?? .... yup, MOS burger...again!!
woke up with that wretched sore throat again, which disappeared by lunch time.
but that was replaced by nauseousness that made me grateful the toilets are not far away.
my ipod is giving me the s**ts and i need to get it fixed (before hk trip).
and when i was queuing up to order my MOS, the guy in front of me left and just as i was about to step forward, this freakin' chinese (as in chee-nahhhhh) girl who was lining up at the queue beside mine barged her way in front of me!!!!!!
i mean i've heard about the inconsidereate-ness and lack of social etiquette in their country but this is singapore!!!!! hello???? when in rome....????? never heard of that one?!?!?!?!
i can't express how super duper irritated i was and it took every ounce of energy i had left in me not to snap at her or GLARE at her ;(
sigh...and since yesterday afternoon i have somehow spiralled into a depressive emo state, and i wonder what happend to the happy, confident me that had been jumping around for the last 2-3 weeks...

less than 2 more weeks...
all happiness will be mine =)
i'm counting down!

the 9th of july

today bordered on depression.
and i wondered why...
then i remembered.
today is the 9th of july.
and i still remember.
sigh.
:'(

smell whinge #2

some people should be more considerate...
especially when watsons, guardian AND 7-11 don't sell air fresheners!!!
this close to murdering someone...

missed

starbucks paragon.

epiphanies were made,

mysteries of life unravelled,

friendships for life built.

really have missed those times spent there.

and have had another lovely coffee session tonight!

i wonder if my crazy stories are still entertaining...??? LOL

but not emo emo music tonight! haha..

i'm still full...

but can't wait to eat my MAMEE!

hmm...

just thinking about the seasoning...

and the incident...

something to say:

I HATE YOU!

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

ok. glad i got that out of my system.

*phew...

seriously couldn't stand the STENCH.

AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

*dead*

the Heart of the Matter

it's friday night and i'm finally home!!!
this whole week i haven't been home before 10 =/
working late, catching up with friends... i've been so busy.
but no regrets! only wished we had more time to keep talking...
i've really been so blessed to have basked in the love and honesty of my treasured friends! :)
and now at work, i can use my own log-in and email joelle, jane and adrian all day!

oh but i've wandered away from my purpose of this post!
i started loving india.arie about 2-3 years ago
and although, this song is just a cover, but i love it just the same :)

the Heart of the Matter
I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore


and perhaps, there is more reason as to why i'm loving this song... :)

laughter is the best medicine!

i made him laugh, he made me laugh...laugh so hard and so much i had tears rolling down my face!
laughed til we both, tired as we were, suddenly feeling so awake and high!
and both wishing the other goodnight...but half an hour later, we're both on msn, accusing each other of not sleeping!!
well, you better NOT breathe a word of what i revealed tonight otherwise we're BOTH dead!!!
as for that $10, i'm afraid to tell you that...you probably won't ever see it again. i'm so sorry... but it's really not my fault that you were so kind to him!

sleep

i need sleep! i need rest!
yet it's so difficult.
i would wake in the middle of the night to go to the toilet, a habit i never used to have.
and thoughts that are both painful and hurtful would haunt me. tears would soak my pillow.
wake up early in the morning, i try to close my eyes and get more sleep. but i end up just waiting for my alarm to ring.
sigh... sleep sleep sleep. i need it so badly.

the missing piece

i'm so grateful for that short conversation we had on sunday night.
almost afraid that we weren't going to have a chance to talk at all.
but you didn't disappoint, i knew you would talk to me and you did :)
thank you, because no one else would understand as well as you...because i never told anyone what happened the last time. and it was never brought up again.
when everything resurfaced again, the hurt i felt the first time, fiona told me i needed to first forgive, only then can i let go and perhaps not be so bothered now.
i know, circumstances are different now.
i just miss having you close.
i know that if i'm wrong, or have misjudged, you would let me know too.
that even now, as my anger just gets fueled more and more, you would have the words to reason with me.
and though i feel at such a loss and burdened and weighed down with sorrow, you would only have to sigh softly and i would know that you would do anything to take away the pain.

if only you were here...