crushed

i am so conflicted it's just maddening!!!
i hate that i have a crush. a major one!
i think, it's been there for awhile... i just didn't realise that it never went away.
and having a crush is not as rosy or sweet as it sounds, if anything, it's just more painful.
when it's a one-sided attraction, affection, longing (ok that just sounds sleazy -_-), it can only lead to misery =(
especially when he doesn't notice me... (at all)
i think he only knows me as "the-girl-who-keeps-staring-at-me"
or more accurately, "the-girl-who-keeps-stealing-glances-at-me-while-i-pretend-not-to-notice"
like joelle asked, can you really love unconditionally?? especially when it's not being reciprocated?? or that he doesn't know that i'm pining after him??
ok, i exaggerate... i'm not pining.
in fact, i'm preparing myself for a life alone. really! i am!! i just don't think i'll meet someone who would regard me as their other half...
how long do you think i can last being invisible?
yes, it may tear me up inside...but it's better than risking him avoiding him like the plague.
been there, done that, doesn't really feel that good when people bo chap me... (which i hate, by the way..drives me crazy..makes me question everything about me)

sigh.. i'm only 23, that's still pretty young.
yet, i feel that i'm ready to leave..
i'm just sick and tired. it's as if i'm waiting for the world to change.
or at least my life.