January is all about struggles

haven't had time to blog anything....
started a dozen posts, but it never got finished.
been really consumed by my problems, been really busy and i think Qi put it best by saying that i should slow down, maybe take some time off certain areas, otherwise my walk will suffer.
and it really has suffered. how much time have i spent on QT? tomorrow's lesson will be on QT and i had to face some tough questions.
so i know i have to let some things go, it's not going to be easy but i've come to realise that i'm not superwoman and that i really have to lean hard and trust in the Lord to see me through this time.

i've been praying so hard for guidance at work, i've got all my support groups helping me out too. i guess i've really been depressed about the things said to me, discouraged and my spirit broken down. i really didn't know what to do, just simply at a loss. realised that i no longer had a grip on my life, that i had no control and that i had to just surrender and commit it all into His hands. i really just broke down on Wednesday, no more fighting, the strong front was gone, the wall torn down. and i really cried out in my helplessness, to the One who is greater than any worries in my life. i think, i've been trying to be in control so much that i've neglected the path i'm supposed to walk, that i had to go through the pain and suffering to come back to Him, to surrender everything to Him. what is His plan for me?

yes...surrender all to Him. such a big theme lately.

but thank you, those who have been there for me every single second. i've only just come to realise how much you do care and i'm touched beyond words can express.

i mentioned that lately i just feel like shutting down emotionally. it was getting too confusing and perhaps, maybe, i just couldn't handle it with everything else. this has really been on my mind.

so much has happened, just in the last 24 hours alone.
i don't know anything anymore. just pray and pray.
i felt Melvin's frustration at me. and i know i need to surrender and commit it to Him. i have.
when you told me what i have been asking about, i started to cry. it just seemed to much to hope for but...i felt happiness but there was hesitation. i have so many questions and no answers. i don't know what the next step should be. it feels right and wrong at the same time. but it really was something i had struggled for so long. i'm not sure if it's just loneliness but somewhere along the way, you have touched my heart in a way nobody has in a long time. i thought this hurdle had been overcome but maybe it was just your coldness that had hardened my heart. but this week, when i had come face to face with issues that broke me down, and you were there, i started to melt away again. i don't want you to stop caring about me...is that selfish of me?