watched an utterly depressing movie with Fifi this evening...Sky of Love, a tragic love story that ended on a very upsetting note! much to my dismay...the guy dies! argh!!!
but something from the movie really made me think.. and my heart did break that much more.. sighhhhhhhh.............
perhaps i should stop deceiving myself and getting hurt from what is happening right in front of me. maybe then i'll stop having so many sleepless nights..
since i can't let go, i should just cut it off, cut off everything that is holding me back. give up hope..
i put my heavy heart and burdens at his foot. waking up seemed so difficult...i snoozed so many times. why can't i sleep at night?? only to wake up more tired.. i'm still having trouble breathing and i suspect that it may be due to the antibiotics (steroids based O_O).
but this morning, a few tears...of joy! at how awesome he is and of his great love for me, that i have woken up to a beautiful day, not worrying about what was to come this day, knowing that it is all in his hands!
and then as if to further reassure me, a gentle reminder as i started my work day..
Week of March 23, 2008
Keep Your Eyes Fixed on Him
by Margaret D. Mitchell
Arise [from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you—rise to a new life]! Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you! - Isaiah 60:1 (Amplified Bible)
Have you ever allowed your workplace circumstances to cause you to grow weary? Perhaps life’s circumstances have brought a heaviness upon you and weighed you down to the point that you found your workdays to be a great chore. Perhaps depression has even come upon you. Where did the joy go?
The dictionary defines circumstances as “factors beyond willful control.” In other words, if we had a choice, we wouldn’t choose them. We simply wouldn’t want to deal with them.
All of us journey through winter seasons in our lives and in our careers. I recall one such season not so long ago. Although I was moving forward in God’s plan, it seemed that each step was like plowing hard ground. And although I still had the joy of the Lord within me, I could feel my patience being stretched daily, wondering, “When will this season end? Why does everything feel so difficult?”
Then something amazing happened. God woke me up very early one morning, about 3 a.m. I rose from my bed and felt led to stand in front of our dining room window. My heart felt heavy. Even so, I put on a praise CD, and I began to quietly sing praises unto God. Then I asked Him what He wanted to show me.
As I looked out onto our backyard, I saw an expanse of tall weeds near the perimeter. Oh how I hated those ugly weeds! The sight of them caused me to weep out of frustration because they were a reminder of the heavy circumstances in my life that seemed to not disappear.
Seeking refuge, I gazed up at the star-lit sky for a moment. But I was quickly distracted by those weeds. My eyes lowered once again to see them before returning back up to the stars. This time, I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to look out at those weeds anymore.
As I focused on the heavens above me, I could feel my desire to reach up to God increase. After about 20 minutes of singing praises and seeking Him, I pressed my cheek flat against a window pane so that I could see more sky overhead. When I did this, I saw the brightest star of all. It was straight overhead, and I would’ve missed it if I hadn’t pressed in and set my eyes vertically.
In that moment, God spoke to me in a revelation. I gasped in awe, and I began to weep again. Then just as I cupped my hands over my mouth, a falling star shot down from that perfect early morning sky, right into the weed patch. In this moment, God spoke to me again saying, “I’m singeing your weeds.” I dropped to my knees in total, humble awe, and my spirit rejoiced in the Lord.
What’s more, the CD that I had been listening to was Nicole Nordeman’s Woven & Spun. The song that played when God showed me the brightest star and the falling star was “My Offering.” The chorus that played the moment my eyes first saw the brightest star was, “Open up the heavens, open up the skies . . . “ And the moment the other star fell, the song neared its end with a crescendo playing, “and the stars every evening are all standing by to light the sky . . . “
Indeed, the God who placed the stars in the sky and knows them by name, the God who cares about every detail of our lives, chose a creative way to remind me to keep my eyes on Him and not look to circumstances, no matter how difficult they seem. Indeed, His word is true: Nothing is more powerful than the God who created the universe. There is joy in the morning, and our circumstances must bow to the name of Jesus.
What circumstances in your life or your workplace are causing you heaviness? Ask the Father in heaven to help you keep your eyes fixed on Him. Then cast them into the sea, and rejoice.
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Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
i feel so helpless...knowing that i cannot help you, knowing that i don't have the words to comfort you. yet i thank God that you have others who are there for you. it really breaks my heart to know of your plight...i know a little of what you must be going through. but who am i to help, how am i to help, when i'm suffering too... my words will just seem like empty echoes of hopes for myself.
and thanks Mel, i do understand the significance of the red & white roses!
"Come now, let us reason together," says the Lord.
"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool."
- Isaiah 1:18
was gonna blog about my baptism but...another time...same with my b'day..heez
did lunch with JP...just the two of us, at TCC :)
this was my choice of beverage...hazelnuts in expresso..mmm...it was good!after a SUPER depressing day at the office, decided to shop for some non-essentials
the splurge - bobbi brown
foundation brush, lipgloss and blush
dinner last sunday night with the elusive cousin
was on msn when she asked me out for dinner, only 1 hour notice!
but she treated for my birthday
thanks couz! :)
the venue: hip diner @ cineleisure
the interior the company
boston clam chowder...so-so chocolate shake, damn good! potato skins...bleah...it was missing sour cream -_- steak on skillet...not fantastic after dinner, went to watch Water Horse...cute movie but very free willy haha!
actually i confess i don't have a clue who jonny lang is..
this was recommended by the other mr chan and the song just spoke to me, or rather spoke for me.
at this point in time, i really feel like God is forcing me to submit everything in my life to him.
not that it's a bad thing or something that i'm reluctant to do.
the truth is that i want to submit everything to him, my whole life and with everything i am. but at the same time, i don't know how to because i have always been so in control of my life. or at least over most of my life.
and yet i just feel so tired of living.
Lord, i just pray that your joy and peace will continue to guard my heart and mind. You see every tear that falls, the tears that i can't fight, tears that stem from all the hurt and all the pain, from all the fears and failures..
i do wonder why i put so much effort, sacrificing even my health...and what for?!! and i'm not the only one berating myself. still, i know that i'm not working for men, but working for my father who sees, who knows..
still, there are a lot to be thankful for. even though JP is busy and our only mode of communication is through Sparks, she was concerned enough to let Andrew know that i need cheering up! and im really grateful for his advice and knowledge that he has passed on ;)
and of course, my 2 new buddies at work who care abt my welfare and keep me smiling with the usual lame guy stuff.. DT especially cracks me up at some of the stuff he says hahaha!! always jio-ing me to go gym classes with them - yoga!!! wahhh faints... ROFL
then my 2 darling dears, est n pao.. really grateful for these 2 yesterday :) had agreed to meet up for a dinner (my treat for pao's b'day) at 6 after my class.. but after a happy yet miserable lunch appointment, i had decided that i didn't want to go for class for fear that i would start to cry since i was already tearing as i walked towards SMU. within an hour, est was alr by my side and i had been cheered, my spirits lifted, after spending that time in Starbucks, warm mug of vanilla latte by my side and immersing myself in his Word.
i really want to go back home, back to australia. but am i running away from my problems? perhaps.. i'm not even sure..
funny and ironic.. i told wayne i want to go back and he said he knows i do haha.. hmm... but i'm really grateful in a way that there is someone who shares with me his views of aussie life. i guess i didn't really have many friends who sympathise or understand how i felt about certain issues i faced in aussie, especially from my perspective. i'm really grateful for the time i spent there, at the life i had growing up, the opportunities, the differences than if i had grown up in sg.. but there were alot of things that went wrong as well, and when i saw these wrongs more clearly in the light of truth, well... it was in another life and i was still finding my way.. and i thank God that he did not forsake me. oh sorry, digressed! funny and ironic.. that we had a conversation on dating and love!! hahaha... i wonder if he knew who i was referring to.. i wonder if he did know and had been laughing to himself about what i said.. i wonder if he found it weird to hear what i had to say! ...i hope he forgets and doesn't have message history -__-
but as much as i want to leave here, there are things holding me back. and our conversation yesterday.. it was kind of depressing.. it made me kind of angry.. it made me very sad.. but maybe it would be better if i left. but maybe it wouldn't be better, maybe i would be more miserable..?
perhaps, in view of my current unstable life, i've been thinking about my future.. funny how domesticated i can be.. besides cleaning of course! but i really love cooking... the joy i get from preparing sumptous meals for my family, trying out new flavours and different ways of cooking.. i definitely want a big kitchen, completely decked out gourmet style! HAHA! i miss baking.. i miss having an oven.. seems like i only learnt how to cook with an oven back in aus!
and i've never been more hopeful.. i even told my sister.. and she didn't protest, she didn't object. instead, she offered advice, very hopeful advice too.. perhaps this is the right direction.. but then every time i come face to face with..., the way it seems like there is no regard for my feelings, when i just want to ask myself WHY?!! and i hate myself, i really hate myself for putting me through all these turmoil. yet i cannot walk away. it tears me up.. i guess it needs to be done slowly.. baby steps..
but i really wonder, have i been living a lie all these time?
have i really been happy the past year? have i really grown in maturity?
why am i plagued with so much unhappiness and problems?
were all those things i felt lies? all lies? is that why it seemed to have faded so quickly? but those feelings are still so strong even when i try so hard to compartmentalise, to forget, to detach myself..
heart, why are you so tortured? lay it all at the foot of his throne and take joy! He will see you through..
it had been a miserable week, been down with respiratory tract infection :'( lots of rest was what i needed.. my troubles and burdens seemed to just keep piling..
but i wanted to go for Maundy Thursday service, since i felt that i needed some fresh air after spending the whole day sleeping.
really glad i did make it. just being in the sanctuary... reflecting on Jesus' last night.. how he must have suffered, knowing what was to come and how he must suffer in the hands of men, to redeem those who would mock him and torture him... oh Lord, how worthless i am of your great and perfect love.
as i think of my own suffering now.. everything is failing me - my health, my work, my heart.. i feel like i'm slowly dying from the inside.. but i'm clinging on, holding on with whatever i have left in me, to the hope and joy in Jesus Christ alone. i'm barely holding on.
Lord, i turn to your Word to strengthen me. Lord, i turn to you. Lord, i'm pleading with all i am and with all i have.. please rescue me.
May the joy of the Lord be your strength... thanks Siping for the reminder. i admit that i never really grasped the concept though, until of late... what is the joy of the Lord and how can it be my strength?!! but i've prayed and he has opened the eyes of my heart. and now i know, that true joy comes from Christ alone, it is the quiet, confident assurance of God's love and work in our life - that He will be there no matter what! so i am drawing strength from the joy of knowing Christ. no matter what happens, at least i have that hope to cling on to. and i believe that he has a plan for me... happiness will fade, it comes and it goes.. happiness depends on happenings. but JOY depends on Christ. and he never changes.
Christ still reigns and we still know him, so we can rejoice at all times!
Cozy Four wanted to lo-hei at our CNY gathering........BUT sakae says no more deliveries!
(how dare they!) regardless, we had an AWESOME time smacking the living daylights outta each other! not gonna post the photos up here....*embarrassing!!!* (especially the one with jp bending over with a nervous/sad look and darren towering over her with glee, holding on and aiming the cane attached to the small leather hand) and discussing the scandals of edison chen...
but we finally got our chance to lo-hei on the last day of CNY! mind you, this was darren's first and ONLY lo-hei...but he got to do it twice in one night! in celebration (mournful celebration?) of ccy's last night in Singapore before he goes to serve his country, we decided on Teahouse at China Square (Teahouse traditionally being where we hold our farewell meals). it was a large group of revellers but only half got there on time. the other half got there at 9.15pm and was told last order was at 9.30pm but they close at 10.30pm and so with that, the late half decided to stay and just order as much as possible (it's buffet). darren and i decided to join the table of early birds (that was a strategic move, they already had lots of food on their table and we were STARVING). but really, we ALL ended up ordering TOO MUCH that some orders had to be cancelled and fortunately they didn't charge us for food wastage!!! otherwise sure die..... lol...
ivy feeding MY???
hungry hungry our Lo Hei efforts I'm really glad for the chance to Lo-Hei with my besties at work!
Darren (head cut off haha) Jason, (sick) Andrew, Joelle (at least she's smiling!), CK and MY's arms, and Ivy....but seriously, where were we all looking?!?! our BIG mess...is it even still edible???
the other table's Lo Hei...rates team! haiyo! why did Jason order char siew pao?!! kena scolding from everyone and forced to eat all of it by CK!
CK & MY.
hmm is it just me or are their photos always the same pose?? (ie. from Xmas dinner) Ivy & JX :) see the amount of food ordered?!!
still lots of food plus the messy Lo Hei Darren and I arrived with hungry stomachs CK feeling very jialat already discussing who is leaving and who is staying for drinks Group photo!! it's definitely weird without CCY around... but I'm really glad to still be receiving random emails from him at work!
i've been in Singapore for a year now and have missed my dearest friends from down under!! though Judy had a stopover in HK and i had actually seriously thought of flying over to spend some time with one of my first ever friends i made in aussieland, i was terribly broke n then heartbroken that i could not meet up with her :(
but still! some friends i haven't seen in a LONG time (oh the history and stories we shared!) came on whirlwind stopovers (like overnight) hahaha...
luke and nigel had a one night stopover here after their one month in thailand, cambodia and then some! hilarious story of nigel's on-the-piss injury (very reminscent of college days) in a beach party in thailand....involving a giant skipping rope on fire.....hmm..... and the video that they showed me capturing the moment....PRICELESS!! *shakes head*
Luke & i in Chinatown
and then it was Kate's turn the following week! after her year-long stay in Ireland, she is on her way back home....back to Bundy!!
Lunch at TCC with Drones (:
And of course, the saddest day in February....... our send-off dinner and coffee for Chris(tor). Dinner at the Pizza Place and were supposed to sojourn to Max Brenner afterwards BUT we were too full and settled for Starbucks instead. I really love getting together with Esther and Chris (Pao, you were dearly missed, but Melb would've been better right? :p)!! Always LOTS and LOTS of crazy laughter (",) the truly lame jokes, the terrible suan-ing of each other, sweats --> WATERFALLS, love-life woes straight out of Korean dramas, and work-related dilemmas!
i still find it truly amazing how our friendship has grown from casual intern acquaintances to what we have now that i treasure so much...
i love telling the story of how i got to know Chris - i had heard so much about him from ZR but only met the "infamous" Chris like about a week later when he was rushing out on his way to a client's place! BUT the best part was how the next time i saw him again, he took me and Shanny out after work.......but it was so dodgy!!! poor shan and i discovered on the train to meet him at BRADDELL (where we have never been before!) that we both didn't know him at all! after accusing each other of i-thought-u-know-him-very-well-that's-why-i-agreed-to-go we had this thought that Chris might take us to GEYLANG!!!! panic-stricken, we devised a plan to make a getaway if he did take us to Geylang... what followed was rather amusing... will not go into details but we ended up in Cosy Bay (fyi we did pass through Geylang. fyi shanny n i did exchange looks of panic and fear. fyi that was when we asked Chris where he was taking us!) it ended up being a great night of getting to know each other :) hmm... jay chou and the one and of Aussies and Kiwis! then we told Chris that we thought he was going to take us to Geylang and who knows what might have happened........ i think at that time he just thought we were crazy little girls with overactive imaginations! well, shanny n i were still young and impressionable back then!
esther's story is also amazing... amazing in a way that i still remember her name after all these years (10 years!) and even more amazing that our paths have crossed again and this time we got to know each other much much better! mind you, she was still as shy and quiet as ever but my chatty self opened up the way to a wonderful friendship ;)
catching Esther in one of her unglam moments
Chris is SUCH a poser LOL!
being uncooperative... metro Chris and his metro shoes from Aldo we were probably re-hashing his sad love-story see...poser again....tsk tsk
really really loved our gathering on the 4th day of CNY. playing card games...talking crap...eating bak kwa!!!!!!!!!! hehehe....
we miss you Chris!!!! you better come back in July to see us!!!
study hard and remember to stay away from "AUNTIES"! ROFL....
The world is filled with people who are struggling. Many feel as though they never will realize their full potential. Some believe that they have no potential. Others are deeply entangled in sin. Millions of lives are bound by Satan’s lies and deception. At the root of their distress is a deep need to experience the eternal forgiveness of God.
Most of us have heard someone say, “I just feel empty, restless, and unhappy. I have tried to motivate myself, but it seems as though there is no hope for the future.” However, there is hope because there is eternal life through Jesus Christ.
The power to overcome sin and feelings of hopelessness is ours when we turn to Christ through prayer. He meets us at the point of our greatest need. He does not come to us as a scolding parent, but as a loving heavenly Father who hears our prayers.
Sin prevents us from experiencing the fullness of God’s blessing. Unconfessed sin will leave us feeling spiritually out of balance and, many times, frightened. This is because our spiritual armor has been penetrated and we are vulnerable to attack. People who have not placed their trust in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord will feel empty and void of joy and eternal hope.
Once a person turns to Christ and seeks His forgiveness, this all changes. He or she receives eternal life and victorious hope for each new day. If you have never prayed and asked God to forgive your sins, you can do that right now.
If you have drifted in your devotion to the Lord, turn to Him, be willing to confess any sin, and recommit your life to the Savior.
If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).
i miss TLK so much already :( always sweet and gentle, she's the only one who FULLY understands my situation... always giving me helpful advice, keeping my hope alive ;)
JJ (i love giving Jane new nicknames) with YH
i get many advices between these two hehe... US, US, US!!! our boss was sitting at her desk, right behind that blue partition! Osborn should stand a bit closer ;) hahaha J with the other Michelle LK(K) with Vanessa JT with Eng Hong
