of journies and trials

actually i confess i don't have a clue who jonny lang is..

this was recommended by the other mr chan and the song just spoke to me, or rather spoke for me.

at this point in time, i really feel like God is forcing me to submit everything in my life to him.

not that it's a bad thing or something that i'm reluctant to do.

the truth is that i want to submit everything to him, my whole life and with everything i am. but at the same time, i don't know how to because i have always been so in control of my life. or at least over most of my life.

and yet i just feel so tired of living.

Lord, i just pray that your joy and peace will continue to guard my heart and mind. You see every tear that falls, the tears that i can't fight, tears that stem from all the hurt and all the pain, from all the fears and failures..

i do wonder why i put so much effort, sacrificing even my health...and what for?!! and i'm not the only one berating myself. still, i know that i'm not working for men, but working for my father who sees, who knows..

still, there are a lot to be thankful for. even though JP is busy and our only mode of communication is through Sparks, she was concerned enough to let Andrew know that i need cheering up! and im really grateful for his advice and knowledge that he has passed on ;)

and of course, my 2 new buddies at work who care abt my welfare and keep me smiling with the usual lame guy stuff.. DT especially cracks me up at some of the stuff he says hahaha!! always jio-ing me to go gym classes with them - yoga!!! wahhh faints... ROFL

then my 2 darling dears, est n pao.. really grateful for these 2 yesterday :) had agreed to meet up for a dinner (my treat for pao's b'day) at 6 after my class.. but after a happy yet miserable lunch appointment, i had decided that i didn't want to go for class for fear that i would start to cry since i was already tearing as i walked towards SMU. within an hour, est was alr by my side and i had been cheered, my spirits lifted, after spending that time in Starbucks, warm mug of vanilla latte by my side and immersing myself in his Word.

i really want to go back home, back to australia. but am i running away from my problems? perhaps.. i'm not even sure..

funny and ironic.. i told wayne i want to go back and he said he knows i do haha.. hmm... but i'm really grateful in a way that there is someone who shares with me his views of aussie life. i guess i didn't really have many friends who sympathise or understand how i felt about certain issues i faced in aussie, especially from my perspective. i'm really grateful for the time i spent there, at the life i had growing up, the opportunities, the differences than if i had grown up in sg.. but there were alot of things that went wrong as well, and when i saw these wrongs more clearly in the light of truth, well... it was in another life and i was still finding my way.. and i thank God that he did not forsake me. oh sorry, digressed! funny and ironic.. that we had a conversation on dating and love!! hahaha... i wonder if he knew who i was referring to.. i wonder if he did know and had been laughing to himself about what i said.. i wonder if he found it weird to hear what i had to say! ...i hope he forgets and doesn't have message history -__-

but as much as i want to leave here, there are things holding me back. and our conversation yesterday.. it was kind of depressing.. it made me kind of angry.. it made me very sad.. but maybe it would be better if i left. but maybe it wouldn't be better, maybe i would be more miserable..?

perhaps, in view of my current unstable life, i've been thinking about my future.. funny how domesticated i can be.. besides cleaning of course! but i really love cooking... the joy i get from preparing sumptous meals for my family, trying out new flavours and different ways of cooking.. i definitely want a big kitchen, completely decked out gourmet style! HAHA! i miss baking.. i miss having an oven.. seems like i only learnt how to cook with an oven back in aus!

and i've never been more hopeful.. i even told my sister.. and she didn't protest, she didn't object. instead, she offered advice, very hopeful advice too.. perhaps this is the right direction.. but then every time i come face to face with..., the way it seems like there is no regard for my feelings, when i just want to ask myself WHY?!! and i hate myself, i really hate myself for putting me through all these turmoil. yet i cannot walk away. it tears me up.. i guess it needs to be done slowly.. baby steps..

but i really wonder, have i been living a lie all these time?

have i really been happy the past year? have i really grown in maturity?

why am i plagued with so much unhappiness and problems?

were all those things i felt lies? all lies? is that why it seemed to have faded so quickly? but those feelings are still so strong even when i try so hard to compartmentalise, to forget, to detach myself..

heart, why are you so tortured? lay it all at the foot of his throne and take joy! He will see you through..