he didn't see me. didn't look my way. i was standing right in front of him.

what hope?

get over it.

refocus on Him. He sees me through it all.

siao liao!

yes, the crazy 2 came out to play again last night. qi and i decided it must have been something in the fish soup we had!

last night i was late to dinner, noted by qi who announced "i'm earlier today!" followed by her characteristic laugh...yes, you know the one i'm talking about ;) the little burst of "HAHA". just that.

i'm can't remember exactly what we were psyched about but we laughed heaps. really, like, heaps.

at the moment in small group we're doing a series of "how to do bible study". at the end of it, we're supposedly going to take turns to lead. as much as the thought of leading not so small in bible study is intimidating (so much so that i might actually faint), it's really quite exciting at the same time and i have this feeling that God is preparing me to be used :)

just how bad?

very bad. extremely bad. like murderously bad.
i've been shelving alot of things to do and the main reason being: i have more new stuff to do.
i can't help but feel my eyes going heavy and the occasional nodding off whenever i open up any of the source files.
what are source files? these really big documents, usually in spreadsheet or rich text format, containing ALL the deals done for the previous working day.
usually, i have no reason to view these files. however, it seems that these days, there's always some kind of problem or investigation to be done.
oh, and i've accummulated 6 days worth of excess logs to do :(

this is killing me. pray for perseverance!!!

giant leap

the last few weeks have had me wondering why i'm scared to share some secrets with my darling girls.

so i took a giant leap today and spilled one.
and i'm glad i did because i got some really insightful feedback. future mistakes that have now been averted thanks to Qi [hugs and love] so now my heart has been saved from one less heartbreak and i will continue guarding this heart of mine!
but it did leave me in a state of deep thinking and contemplation that got JPoh really worried. i have so many questions....

15 more days :)

another one bites the dust

Thursday was our last lunch with Sinyee...her last day at work. now she's back to being a student! first Gloria, now Sinyee...left me and siow wei to meet for lunchies although miss lee has promised to come back to join us! :) we went to pasta mania at cpf building (again...)

waiting for our pastas!

we all got the same dish: Chicken Sausage! but with different pastas ;)

i had mine with linguine, sinyee with fusili, siow wei with spaghetti

my first time having this dish, my peas all went to miss lee!

we're gonna miss you darling!!!

Harry Potter Thursday

went to see Harry Potter last Thursday with Qi, GEN, Sinyee, and Nick. it was a little hectic, trying to buy food for dinner cos everywhere had LONG queues. qi and gen were already ordering their subway when we found them....and kindda cut the line to order something... *sheepish grin* i feel really bad ok! especially when nick said he didn't want to order cos so many ppl were waiting. guilt trip...

the movie itself...
was good. good enough, i guess. qi wasn't so impressed lol. i felt that it was...incomplete...like it's as if that they had filmed a great movie but then too much got chopped out at the cutting board stage. even though the movie had quite a fast pace, the climax was more of leaning towards the anti-climax, and cos the whole movie was moving quite quickly along, there really wasn't time for a breather and instead of a movie with excitement here and there (like transformers :] ) it ended up being monotonous. i must say kudos to Luna, her character was played out beautifully. but as for the rest of the cast, their parts were all small and undeveloped, i was disappointed that most of them seemed more like wallflowers. especially with all the hype about harry potter's first kiss...keyword being hype.

the disruptive, inconsiderate people sitting behind us...
2 words: freaking annoying. i had to refrain from turning around and clobbering them. and at the end of the movie, i asked nick "so how did you like it?" he made a face and gestured to the ppl sitting behind us. actually, i thought they would be like secondary-type but turns out, they look about the same age or even older than us! 1 word: immature! they are lucky i don't have my father's temper......or they would be DEAD with just ONE look!!!

lucky Friday the 13th

i woke up EXTRA early today just to call mummy and wish her a happy birthday.
but i talked to melissa for quite a while and ended up running late -.-
i miss my family......only 3 more weeks!!! hurray!!!

thanks very much with STRAWBERRIES on top nic!

i am so very grateful to nic(ole) for at least accepting to fix my O2 (even though it turned out to be working fine...damn phone hates me!)



i found some photos he took...at first i was like "huh? where's this place?" then i realise, i'm not blur but because someone using my phone to take pictures as he please -.- so i'm posting up the photos, if u want it come and get it nic! LOL oh, he claims it was for testing purposes...W!

and nic: u must hv done something to the settings cos look how big the first photo is compared to the subsequent two??? still deny.....then say i ka jiao...

anyway, really thanks thanks for everything xiao di di and don't ever say to me again "ps" otherwise i will really explode! LOL

friends @ work

a BIG thank you to Amy for inviting me along to dinner tonight :)
sometimes, life has a way of suprising me. yesterday, it was an invitation to come for dinner tonight by Amy, a fellow ocbc-ian from gt whom i have hardly interacted with since joining.
we went to the Manhattan Fish Market at Central - Amy, Andrew, Joelle, Weiqiang, Hendra, Diem, and me (hope i got everyone's names right -.-
the food was good, loved the chips and garlic butter sauce!
joelle and i decided to share, mainly because we ate alot during the day...
i took joelle to qi's parents for lunch at Lucky Plaza and she had the bak chor mee, i had the dumpling soup with noodles, and we shared a bowl of fried dumplings. firstly, i told joelle to try the soup....mmm....sweet!! and i also gave her my dumpling to try which she really liked so we'll definitely be back there again!
then we went over to taka and browsed at gucci, ferragamo, kate spade then headed to B2 for snacks!!! ps. we were super full after lunch.
joelle insisted that i had to try this japanese pancake with ice cream and red bean. we took it to the counter to pay for it and the lady gave us fresh ones cos she claimed that ours is a bit soft. and after opening the packet, we realised she gave us the one with green tea ice cream and red bean instead of the plain vanilla with red bean. but we just said we'd give the green tea ice cream a try! lol
then we headed into cold storage and bought snacks - chilli lime tortilla chips and apple and aloe vera juice.
then we got takopachi - a box of octopus and a box of bacon and cheese.
then we got these chinese desserts which is like chng tng except with pear and longan.
*shakes head* we were so full we were almost falling asleep in the afternoon.
unfortunately, i also had a very long agenda for the afternoon....
somehow managed to finish by 6.45 then joelle and i headed to central....after finishing our dessert which we started eating at 6.25!
i really thank God that i have joelle, she not only helps me out with learning how to do my daily work but she puts up with my craziness and makes going to work something i look forward to. next month will be sad when i will be gone for the first half and then she'll take leave the second half :( how depressing to come back from my trip and not to have her around to laugh with and chat.

in my life

i'm pretty excited about getting my o2 working again because it means that i can actually take decent photos AND upload them onto my laptop! yay-ness! so the first photos i took were of my workspace...well half my workspace at least...

ok, so it's a little messy but that's cos i've been busy lately so everything just gets thrown onto my desk (especially when i get in in the mornings and just empty the contents of my bag onto my table...). also, the fact that i have absolutely no storage space whatsoever - no cupboards, no drawers -.- and i find the whole writing to do lists and sticking it in front of me really helps! lol

see, i've even separated it into personal and work sections! personal has funky postcards and personal reminders like when dear sinyee and siow wei are on holidays :) and work has various to do lists and how to do lists! and a post-it containing joelle's extension sits in the middle...

when neha was still in singapore, we spent a day visiting the art museum, had lunch at dome, strolled down to raffles hotel and sipped singapore slings, before heading over to bugis for shopping :) some shots i took back then at the hotel with my phone...

and this is my home away from home! see how i use part of my bed as my desk? it's cos my actual desk is so full of crap. and also cos i don't have a proper chair to sit on. ugh, my room is so messy...but it's organised mess! ;)

esther's belated birthday celebration

SO SO HAPPY!!!!

even though dear chris was missed (we were so looking forward to your "sweats" -_-") i had lots of fun catching up with esther and pao (",)

we met up for a belated birthday dinner celebration for esther, kindda surprised her with it...at least i hoped she was pleasantly surprised ;)

lots of laughter as we exchanged news about what's been happening in our lives.

would love to holiday in taiwan with these gals in the near future!

i bought the mango cake from rive gauche, it was equally as good as the sinful guanaja we had for qi's birthday.

pao and i happily sang "happy birthday" though it was done quite quietly! the whole restaurant really didn't need to find out that i can't sing for nuts -.- and at the end of the song, when you do the "hip hip" and then the rest say "hooray" and you're meant to do it 3 times, pao kindda drifted away at the second time....but continued at my insistence! =)

esther's camera is out of action at the moment (don't ever get samsung cameras!) and pao forgot hers. fortunately, my fickle O2 phone has decided to start working again (maybe it was scared of nic and mel) so i could take some snapshots tonight! thank you Lord!!

look how angelic pao looks! ;)

and our funny faces. i have no idea what esther was doing :p

and then i psychoed pao into coming to see Harry Potter 5 with me, the girls and nic tomorrow Hehehe!

and lastly, i didn't really like this last photo cos i look like something out of a B-rated horror movie but i think pao looks CUTE!!!

i'm so thankful to have met and gotten to know these girls through our internship last year :) and to have been reunited with esther after 10years is just...amazing!

4 hours to go...

in 4 hours i will be reunited with my fellow ey interns from last summer!
glad that esther is staying so i'll get to see more of her in future :)
i won't hold it against chris that he'll be returning to brisbane on sunday...as long as he comes back after graduating and not stay in australia!
chris, you better come back during the summer hols!!!

friends are so important to me (:

Dreaming with a broken heart

I was on the bus, iPod on, stoning. Then I thought of that moment.
Did he see me as he walked past me?
Then came the song "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All" by Air Supply. And I wonder, am I just crushing on him and really making love out of nothing at all?
Sad, but true.
He probably doesn't even know my name...doesn't see me standing in front of him...

I'm troubled, frustrated, confused and I can't seem to share this with anyone. Not even my darlings. I've only confided in one friend, and I'm glad I'll be seeing her tmr. I have a lot of things to let out and get off my chest.

I'm praying hard and trusting in God to lead me the right way.
I told Qi and Sinyee how and why it's hard for me to be able to find love, even though it's something my heart desires. I believe I will know when it's love and not infatuation. I know God will use my friends as guides in this aspect as He has done before.
But I still carry this guilt, this heavy burden, this broken heart. And I'm scared.
I truly am dreaming with a broken heart.
Why do I still feel like a prisoner in my life of sin?
And that I'm not worthy of Endless Love?

Only 3.5 weeks until I return home and run into my mummy's arms...I need that now.

Organised!

I finally put my Filofax back to use again. For a short while, I attempted to use my O2 and Outlook to organise my very disorganised life. However, my efforts were proved futile when my O2 decided to die on me. And the Filofax has proved to be most reliable, when updated. So far, I've only managed to record my appointments, I haven't touched my finances yet (and not looking forward to doing that). I will need to be more miserly in the coming months :( which is actually much easier when I just chill/hang out with friends rather than aimless shopping (or window shopping, cos I always end up buying something).

Transformer Friday

I managed to finish all my work on time (I seriously know now that I work better under pressure and stress, even though it's not so good for my health) and rushed down to Cineleisure to meet the early birds, Siow Wei and Sinyee. Collected tickets, wandered around while waiting for Qi to arrive, then bought drinks and popcorn. Our seats were ace (",) and the movie was awesome! I loved it despite earlier doubts. Well, Nic watched it twice...must be at the very least, passable. After the movie, we met Gen (note to Gen: see! I'm nice enough to just call you GEN) and chilled at Maccas at Shaw. Plenty of laughs, as usual, and I'm glad Gen has joined our "family". We also learned an important lesson that night: flagging a taxi on Orchard Road is the fastest way to get a cab.

Dentist? Not today.

Saturday we had a plan to go to the dentist. I had been fretting a little cos I just hate going to the dentist. I mean lying paralysed on a chair while someone pokes, jabs, prods at your open mouth....and the pain and the blood... So, we got to Bishan at 1.30 and the dentist closes at 12.30 -.- so we're attempting another try the coming Saturday. Qi brought me and Gen to eat at her parent's place. SUPER NICE!!!!!! But I was so sad that I could only manage about one-quarter of my bak chor mee because it was SOOO spicy! Eeks... it made me tear :') But I loved the dumplings, have to eat it again soon... :) Afternoon, more chill time at Starbucks and shopping again... I'm seriously going bankrupt soon, really worried. I introduced Siow Wei and Sinyee to one of my favourite humour books: The Book of Bunny Suicides by Andy Riley.

An upsetting encounter at Orchard MRT, but I'm moving past it.

Blessed Sunday

Another wonderful Sunday! I got up bright and early, even though I struggled to wake up. Took Benjamin for Sunday School with Wendy. I'm really starting to get the hang of it but I'm not sure about doing it by myself. Would I be able to cope? I'm still thinking of going into main stream... Pray that He would lead me. Lunch at Fin @ Marina Square, Nicholas' suggestion, Melvin's recommendation. Fish and chips! I haven't had that since leaving Australia and although I've definitely had better, it wasn't bad at all. I'm so proud of myself that I didn't buy anything even though I was dragged once again to Zara and Mango sale. Need more days like this! :) Then we pigged out at Maccas - nuggets (26 pieces in all, shared between 4 gals), fries, Himalayan tea lattes. And that was just before Qi and Sinyee were heading over to relative's for dinner.... I went back to church for the Pastor Jen Huat's 7.30 service, he was pastor at PLMC when I attended when I was little and he still looks the same! The sermon was enriching and I enjoyed the service. It's different from the morning services, lesser people, but still so full of God's love and presence. Somehow, it feels a little more personal, more peaceful, quiet reflection.

Blissfullness

Last night was a Not So Small fellowship - dinner at Teahouse, Raffles City, a bit of a stroll through CityLink and Marina Square, dessert at Azabu Sabo, Marina Square. I always get this warm fuzzy feeling every week when we meet for small group :)

Dessert at Azabu Sabo

Nick, Me, Melvin

Siping, Shuyi, Sharon, Sinyee

Nick, Sinyee, Qi, Me

Us four again, this time under "yellow" lighting (why are we all bending?)

I'm happy again. Truthfully, I think I'm just happy all the time with sad moments here and there lol. Although right now, work is pretty much slowly taking over my life and exhausting me out. I feel my near-perfect eyesight slowly deteriorating from staring at the computer screen almost 10 hours every day. Not to mention when I go home and turn my laptop on (out of habit mostly).

Hmm...I'm glancing around my desk and really, I do have a lot of food stashed here! I could open shop and sell cookies or lollies (plenty of that). I've become such a glutton since starting working life.

Bumped into a friend on Saturday and we promised lunch this week but I've realised how much I've underestimated my "busy-ness" - courses to go to, people to meet...and then there's just the occasional laziness when I don't feel like going out for lunch and fighting over tables with the other lunchers. And the fact that I always forget to bring tissues....

Qi put in a last minute request to join us for the Transformers movie at like 6.30pm after I had made a booking for 3. So I called her up, despite the fact that it's knock-off time and I've still got a bunch of work to do. It was a rather entertaining 20mins chatting to her, or rather whispering to each other, and giggling like schoolgirls while I was clicking away and booking a seat for her next to us (at least I hope I remembered the row correctly.... -_-). The first thing she said, "hello, sharon" in that super sweet voice that I've never heard until that point in time. Then I remembered Gloria telling us about it...LOL so I replied in that same voice "hello, sharon" and erupted into giggles. "Michelle!!!!! SAIIIIIII!!!!!!"

YAAY!!!! In approx 2.5 hours my dear Esther will be back in Singapore, for good!!!! At least she better not go back next sem for masters.....

A 21st invite received last night. It seems so long ago when I was getting 21st invites every other day and I feel like I'm sooo old and then remember that I just turned 21 last year too.

Funnies on MSN

Me: Somebody I know said that your bro is cuter than you
Friend: Wee weet
Friend: Did you tell her that he's single??
Me: I didn't say that she thinks you're cute what...
Friend: -_-"

Gullible? No, just plain stupidity.

This had me in stitches for about 5 minutes before I actually reflected on the stupidity of the human race. But is it really only foolishness? There are many people in this world that are naive and innocent and therefore, gullible to the pranks of cruel, bored individuals who probably think they came up with the most hilarious joke of the century for like-minded, unforgiveable, cynical people. Like me. And as my laughing subsided, I contemplated on how mean I'm being, laughing at someone else's expense. How wonderful it is to have such child-like innocence and ignorance to the evilness of this world we live in, to freely place our trust in complete strangers...

Re-evaluation needed

Front page headline of The Business Times today:

M&A deals in Asia up by 56.4% in H1

It goes on to read that this increase equates to a jump of US199.4 billion from a year ago.

I will definitely apply for that job for a Corporate Finance analyst/associate. I just want to be in the middle of it all, making deals, just being productive. I don't want to be the one stuck here, checking through deals and feeling like my degree is going to waste, even though I didn't put that much effort into my university years.

I need to remember what I came to Singapore for and not lose sight of my dreams.

saded

I'm really tired but I just need to let this out before I retire to bed.

I've had such a wonderful weekend (more about that tomorrow) and I was definitely on an emotional high. But something just happened which just kindda ruined my good mood and now, my weekend has ended on a low note.

I don't know why this feeling keeps coming back. A simple remark/comment from someone to someone else and I feel shattered. It's like, this is the circle of trust and I'm on the outside. Now I feel a little abandoned - estranged from the old, not accepted by the new. So close and yet so far away. I guess, getting rejected once a little while ago still has leftover effects on me. And I'm really really scared of rejection now. So much so that I'm afraid of getting close to people. And I'm the sort of person who needs to be close to people. I'm not even getting out as much as I used to. I find myself no longer in the mood to get out there and meet new people, cos as cynical and pessimistic as this sounds, people always let you down in some way or other.

And to make everything that little bit worse...I saw that someone I wanted to meet. And he definitely wasn't looking my way (borrowed from Fiona hahaha). Hmm. It doesn't seem as easy as before for me to make new friends.

I realise that I've been so much more prayerful in the last few weeks. Life getting me down and also thanksgiving, of course. There's still plenty to be thankful for, even in my darkest hours. And it really has been a time of darkness. A depressing darkness that brings my spirits down. But my appearance belies everything that's in my head.

I have a lot of questions and no answers.

Sometimes I feel that when people meet me for the first time, they get this impression of me. (I'm thinking back especially to my job interview) And when they get to know me, it's like a disappointment because I'm not as whatever as I should be. Like, not as smart, not as charming, not as hardworking....who knows, whatever their first impression was.

Ohhh I'm really not as morbid as my blog seems to be of late. I sound so emotionally needy -_- Honestly, I just think too much. And then I want to go home where there would be an abundance of love all the time...