saded

I'm really tired but I just need to let this out before I retire to bed.

I've had such a wonderful weekend (more about that tomorrow) and I was definitely on an emotional high. But something just happened which just kindda ruined my good mood and now, my weekend has ended on a low note.

I don't know why this feeling keeps coming back. A simple remark/comment from someone to someone else and I feel shattered. It's like, this is the circle of trust and I'm on the outside. Now I feel a little abandoned - estranged from the old, not accepted by the new. So close and yet so far away. I guess, getting rejected once a little while ago still has leftover effects on me. And I'm really really scared of rejection now. So much so that I'm afraid of getting close to people. And I'm the sort of person who needs to be close to people. I'm not even getting out as much as I used to. I find myself no longer in the mood to get out there and meet new people, cos as cynical and pessimistic as this sounds, people always let you down in some way or other.

And to make everything that little bit worse...I saw that someone I wanted to meet. And he definitely wasn't looking my way (borrowed from Fiona hahaha). Hmm. It doesn't seem as easy as before for me to make new friends.

I realise that I've been so much more prayerful in the last few weeks. Life getting me down and also thanksgiving, of course. There's still plenty to be thankful for, even in my darkest hours. And it really has been a time of darkness. A depressing darkness that brings my spirits down. But my appearance belies everything that's in my head.

I have a lot of questions and no answers.

Sometimes I feel that when people meet me for the first time, they get this impression of me. (I'm thinking back especially to my job interview) And when they get to know me, it's like a disappointment because I'm not as whatever as I should be. Like, not as smart, not as charming, not as hardworking....who knows, whatever their first impression was.

Ohhh I'm really not as morbid as my blog seems to be of late. I sound so emotionally needy -_- Honestly, I just think too much. And then I want to go home where there would be an abundance of love all the time...