tears are pouring

i've been like a loose tap lately...i know i've always been one for tears.
because he has been faithful even when i don't deserve it.
and i am so humbled and grateful that he is watching over me.
psalm 23
i've been counting...and i know i don't deserve any of it.
my shamefulness consumes me.
i can't help but think back on the last few years....
when i finally cried out for help, and he brought me here.
to this place, away from the tempations to stray far away.
to this place, to draw nearer to him.
to this place, with people who have helped me to grow so so much.
to this place, with people who have helped me to understand.

hmmm, even though i made up my mind to leave, when i finally graduated, i didn't want to take the next step. i held back. i prayed it will be different if i stayd. i didn't want to let go. but it was all in his plan. i had to leave everything behind to return to him.
and now my walk is closer than ever.

i told our class today that i had no friends before i came to singapore but that God has blessed me with good friends when i got here.

this past week has been better. i've been guarding my heart. but i've also started struggling with something else just as dangerous - jealousy.
imagine, almost everyday, tired as i am, i have like one side of me fighting against another side of me over this really very stupid thing. it's very exhausting!
all because her place in his heart is far greater than anything i will ever even get slightly close to.

and i'm trying not to be discouraged but i've recently started feeling more and more like i don't measure up. just not good enough. that i'm lacking in so many ways....


sigh...i'm so so tired...