everybody lies.
everybody leaves.

i'm off, going home and crying into my pillow.
and if i feel up to it, maybe some clubbing later.
actually, i feel the need to drink myself into a stupor.
i know it's useless and stupid and i can just imagine the numerous
"DON'T DO IT!"
i'll be getting but...

dear Lord keep me strong

WHAT THE FRACK?!?!?

green, coz i'm green with envy, even though just yesterday, the sermon was about envy.

i told my friends i've been listening to too much avril lavigne. it's true but the lyrics just sing write to my heart! exhibit A:

And Now You're Somewhere Out There With A
Bitch, Slut, Psychopath
I Hate You
Why Are Guys So Lame
Everything I Gave You I Want Everything Back But You
My Friends Tried To Tell Me All Along
That You Wern't The Right One For Me
My Friends Tried To Tell Me To Be Strong
I Wanna See You Cry Like I Did A Thousand Times
Yeah You're Losing Me, You're Losing Me Now

ok, it's just excerpts of the parts relating to me and my situation (yes, it's all about me).

the catch-21 is that i actually feel really really guilty (hence, WHAT THE FRACK) because i know what will happen next. or maybe that ending won't happen any more, maybe things have changed and i'm the one getting screwed over and tossed in a corner [nobody puts baby in a corner! sorry couldn't resist (:] and betrayed just like before. i'm feeling so conflicted - angry and sad, hopeful and disappointed.

therefore: i hate you, why are guys so lame is the thought currently on repeat in this empty head of mine.

ugh! GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!! JUST GO AND DIE!!! i'm feeling super queasy and i swear it's not the old chang kee i've been gorging on all arvo. i'm not even fighting back tears (i think after months - i can say months now coz it's been 10 weeks - of getting homesick, my tear ducts have finally kicked the bucket). i'm just angry and hurt and so so so so so betrayed...and yet at the same time this saddened feeling of trepidation is gripping at my heart because i know i'm not the only who will be getting hurt.

oh dear Lord keep me strong

alone on a sunday night

for a second there, i almost considered using webdings font for this post. hehe.

i'm all alone, there's no one here beside me. even jake has rejected me. you know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder? i truly believe that, actually i know that. when you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. i'm just so so bored, and chatting to qi on msn, she's also bored. i guess misery isn't the only thing that loves company.

i can do better. i'm sick of all this shit you put me through. i've been mentally and emotionally drained, i'm exhausted of all this drama filling up and spilling over in my life. but at the same time i can't get enough of it all. blame it on the attention-seeker in me. when you lavish me with sugar-coated compliments and look at me like i'm the only girl in your world. i should listen to my friends' advice and stay the hell away from you. but no one ever listens to the best advice given to them - it's one of the sweet ironies of life. i know i should run away, as fast as i can and as far as my legs can carry me but i can't stop myself from jumping into and free-falling into this abyss of torture and heartbreak. you're a player and not afraid to admit it. you're someone who is all wrong for me but i have a soft heart and lacking self-control.

please don't get me wrong, i'm not in love, not even in like. i just seem to want/need/crave and create this drama to save me from my monotonous life. and when you shower me with all these attentions and time...am i really that insecure and desperate to need you? you're not mine and i'm not yours. i shouldn't always want to be in your company.

why am i waiting and willing my phone to ring? it never does when i want it to. why can't i stop thinking about you?!?!

i don't even want to expand on how complicated guys are!! men are from mars...that's right - they're definitely aliens!! do i even want to understand them??

i still can't stop thinking about his smile. by the way, this is a different guy! i can actually imagine qi reading this and shaking her head and going "faint". lol

** love is not love which alters when it alteration finds - shakespeare **

i'm busy but i'm lonely.
there's people around me but i'm lonely.
"there are billions of people living on this earth at this moment, but you only need one"
i just need someone to hold me and tell me they love me.
it's hard without mummy around for that :'(

YOU can make a difference!

According to UNICEF, 30 000 children die each day due to poverty... and they 'die quietly in some of the poorest villages on Earth, far removed from the scrutiny and conscience of the world. Being meek and weak in life makes the dying multitudes even more invisible in death.'

www.effectiveaid.org

Photos from the last 3 weeks!

A smart girl listens but doesn't believe,

kisses but doesn't fall in love

and leaves before she is left...

random ramblings

sometimes i don't know how my friends put up with me :p
i guess i'm just really elated right now, can't wipe this smile off my face :)
so, i'm pretty crazy. i laugh too much and too loud (sat nite at vivo gloria jeans...sorry siow wei & sinyee! i know i can be so embarrassing sometimes! *sheepish grin*). i promise to reward you guys with more yummy treats! actually i was just thinking last night that i can make tiramisu coz it doesn't need an oven! LOL and i should do spaghetti marinara and bruschetta..like an italian feast! i really love cooking for you guys!! i also like taking a traditional recipe and adding a little michelle twist in there to make it my own ;) when i say michelle twist tho, it means something i like added in there: eg. adding bacon and mushroom to aglio e olio coz i like bacon and mushroom! ohhhh and i didn't get to make the creamy chicken penne the last time!
and besides putting up with my hyena-like laugh, they have to bear with the silly stuff i say all the time. exhibit A: last night, while melvin was trying to seriously illustrate a point by saying nick will meet a girl in pink at his 21st birthday and marry her, i had to add to qi, "better not wear pink to his birthday!" diao! i could probably go on but i'll just stop here.
anyway, my heart is beating super fast. no, not because i feel like a criminal blogging. LOL it's the anticipation...
oohhhh lunch time!!!

all my angst & feelings come spilling out...

at small group tonight, melvin, siping and nick surprised sharon and i with a cake and presents for our birthday! at first, i thought it was only for qi but then melvin said he read that i just had my birthday last month so it's a belated celebration. they bought a cake from taka, which is awesome - coffee and chocolate!!! and i love the postcard :) must hunt around for them to send to australia! i will get around to reading the book as soon as possible, and the notebook did come in useful ;) THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!!! i was truly deeply touched that they did that for me as well :) it's the little things that mean the most. being alone, without the support of my family, i'm starting to lean on my friends more and more and i don't think i would be able to face each day without them. they bring me joy, hope, and strength :) and they encourage my faith to grow more and more each day!

a recent incident made me feel like a snob, it made me think hard and deep, and it put things into perspectives. i always thought that i'm a princess and i should be treated like one (by guys) and i do often expect that. no, this wasn't the epiphany i had. usually, i live in my own bubble, my own world. from my last post, i'm sure you know i had a rude awakening about how uncaring i have been and narcisstic i have been. but then another incident came to shock me back to the grim reality of this world. i found myself in the company of the "working class", proletarians, the common people, whatever you like to call it. and as i sat there, i found myself thinking, how unfortunate these poor people were, that they were probably not very well educated and how ignorant they must be. and i just caught myself and felt like absolute shit. who am i to judge people like i am better than them? i detest it when people put me into a box and label me like they have me all figured out, so why am i being such a damn hypocrite?! they probably have a bigger heart than i do! and i look at my life and a conversation i had with gloria yesterday. she said that people usually date and marry within their own social status, there's no cinderella story. and i do concur, i know how true that statement is. i do feel disheartened because the boy who's got me all giggly and utterly obsessed lives a different life from me. i believe the word unattainable would aptly describe it....and i remember CNY incident and how upset it made my mum...all i can say is that a few words can trivialize everything one person has worked so hard for. and at that moment i swore i wouldn't become that person. i'm not saying it's human nature, i don't want to make excuses. the world isn't going to change, no matter how long we wait. instead, i have to change, be more conscious and considerate to those around me. and constantly give thanks for the fortunate life i have lived. my struggles don't compare.

why am i so weak and desperate to give away my heart? i say i because i know my friends are stronger in this aspect, whereas i have this need to create dramas in my life that i know will just end in tears and a broken heart. dreaming with a broken heart, that's what i am essentially doing right? i am the epitome of silliness when it comes to matters of the heart. because people always disappoint you. only rely on yourself. and if you can't do that then...

is it better not knowing what and how he feels? honestly, it frustrates me. but do i want to know and kill all hope i have? or just go on dreaming and living in this fantasy i've created for myself? i don't want my bubble to burst. i still want this goofy grin plastered on my face, rather than feeling like the freaking loser i'm sounding like right now. i know, this is like my favourite subject - my latest crush. it's all an infatuation. trust me, when i find real love, i will know. the walls i've put up will crumble and disappear, he'll be able to see right through me, know my thoughts before i even think it! the days will be longer, the nights brighter, food will never taste as good!!

but even with a crush, i laugh harder, i smile more, my heart is full and happy. i can't wait to fall head over heels in love :) and for him to love me back.

there is hope!

i was beginning to wonder if there is any hope of finding a decent guy (since i'm now at a stage in my life to actually have a boyfriend and a normal relationship). of course i know there are plenty of guys out there, just that they seem to be players or commitment-phobics or just plain LOSERS! i don't need to explain, i think the previous post describes players in quite a detail. but i should probably say that even though i have high standards of criteria, honestly it all boils down to what he is like when he's with me and when he's with friends, or in other words, how he relates to the people around him (coz people matter).

but back to my point >> all hope was renewed on Friday night. i should probably say this as an aside here: i was pretty depressed and tired that night with everything hitting me at once. but seeing and being with gloria and her friend beckie really revived me and i also think the alcohol helped too...i SAW with my own eyes that good guys - the mature, responsible, ready-to-settle, eyes-not-fixed-on-girls-rack, successful in their own right - do exist, you just have to look that little bit harder. but i won't say TRY that little bit harder. i believe a girl can only put out that much before it becomes degrading and desperate. i won't come up with my own examples, lest i should be clobbered in my sleep *faint*


off on another tangent...
i've been feeling pretty homesick (again). as independent and adventurous as i've been of late, i still miss my mummy, daddy and sissy. i mentioned "arvo" in an email to mummy and she replied back with a "what is arvo?" to which i explained that it means afternoon in aussie slang. and what did she come back to me with? she said "surprisingly your father knows". that's not the best part, as incredulous as it is that my mummy doesn't know what arvo means and that my daddy does, the climax to my story is that i could actually imagine my parents having that conversation! they would have been at work, and my mummy would have laughed when she read my email then yell out to my daddy: "dar! you know what is arvo?" to which my daddy would make this face with his mouth thingy and replied, "yeah" in a sarcastic tone and then add, "you don't know??" LOL thanks mummy and daddy you made my day!

and at church on sunday, at the end of service, after a short quiet time and the band retired, they played YOU SAID and i was just transported back to June 2002, Dalby mission trip, the youth service we held on the last night of our stay, my best friends nick and kat beside me. ironically, i don't talk to either of them any more and it is very sad because they got me through high school and we shared plenty of memories, the good, the bad, and the ugly. i should probably add that songs almost always remind me of someone/something.

it has been mentioned to me one too many times lately that i should move to HK for my career. however, as much as i would like to experience that, there are several reasons why it is not feasible (at least at this point in time): firstly, mummy would kill me (especially since it's just after she made sure i've settled down and have everything i need here); secondly, although i've only known my girls for less than 2 months, i don't think i could go a day without them! i'm already dreading the day gloria will have to leave us for perth!

and on this sad note i leave this post, which was meant to invigorate with feelings of hopefulness. i must say though that ever since Friday, i seem to have this big, goofy grin permanently stamped on my face...and i'm sure my girls will know why :) it has a name.

does this darkness have a name?

today i was suddenly snapped back to reality, reminded of the world that exists whilst i've been in my own bubble. the last 4 weeks i have turned into a narcissist, been so engrossed in my own life, my own problems, all trivial in retrospect i might add, that i have forgotten about the people i care about.

i have been so selfish with my own sister, pushing her problems aside and kicking her down my list of "things to do". she needed my support and help, yet i have not been there for her when she needed me the most. i always expect people to be there for me, even when my problems are uncomparably small and unimportant, take for example exhibit 1: my obsessive love life. the last few posts might have given you an insight to the workings of my mind and i have devulge every play by play relating to this issue to my girls (who have been my rock through this period) and they have stuck it out, giving all the right advice and warnings, but most of all THEY HAVE PUT UP WITH ALL MY NONSENSE!!! i'm sure they got bored with all the repetition and rubbish i've been feeding them. BUT they were still there for me, listening ears in tow.

i also abandoned my cousin when i knew that she would need me there. i could feel it in my heart and see it with my eyes. miraculously, i have also managed to push it further down on my "to do" list and even more astonishingly, i've managed to forget time and time again. i have been so consumed in my own life, this bubble that i live in that i forgot about the people around me, who loved me the most when i needed a friend and for just BEING THERE.

does this darkness have a name?
yes, it is called guilt and it is haunting me this very second.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley

as much as i like, how much i need control over my life, i'm turning it over to Him. and losing control isn't as bad as what i thought it would be because He's in control.

the BOLD truth

Borrowing a post from my melbourne gal, I finally visited your blog again after the longest time, read this and suddenly everything i feel was put into words! So I'm sharing these truths from an old friend, miles away but still so close in many ways :) Come visit me soon!!

Also, i feel that your normal generic guy, in attempting to befriend a girl, often has an agenda; i.e. the more a guy is attracted to a girl, the more he will want to be her friend, thus translating into the amount of time he is willing to spend with her, in the hope (delusional or otherwise) of possibly hooking up with her one fine day. So in a sense you can never get an absolute, plantonic friendship, because somewhere along the line, something will screw up, and things become complex and multi-tiered. Or you would have to settle for a medicore-hey-lets-meet-up-once-in-awhile- type friendship with the opposite sex, because,

Guy + Girl alone + Extended period of time = FEELINGS. (Whether you like it or not.)

You may be so not attracted to the other party @first glance, but trust me, overtime +alone+guy and girl = shit will develop. Extended period of time refers to Overseas Study/Live/Cook Together etc. Hence you find alot of individuals find themselves morph into disgustingly loving moochy couples/non-individuals (and mostly devoid of their original identity) when they stay around same area/alone/go same sch/class/club. Because, proximity breeds convenience, and convenience breeds relationships. Of course, you got the whole ooh!but we feel a connection! bullshit, but yeah, no proximity = no convenience = no relationship = no freaking connection; you get the drift. Why the hell to do think LDRs (long dist rlnshps) are so challenging to keep (im not saying its impossible); esp. because humans are such fickle creatures who are distracted and horny and always wanting something new and stimulating.

On a seperate note,most guys get shit-scared/tounge-tied when talking to the object of their affection. So object of affection is often left in the dark. Who else comes to pick-up? THE PLAYER. The Players are the only sub-category of guys who actually know how to talk to girls. Players have this special ability to pick-up their girls at the crucial initial key points. I.e. at a crowded party/club/on the street.

These are what you call the periods of short initial make/break exposure,which is essentially foundation to the building blocks of love/lust/not-so-platonic friendships. You get the number you get the girl. If you dont because of shyness and hesitance not overcome, then bye-bye-baby!; and very rarely will there be a second time. It is pretty amusing to see the hunter smooth-talk his prey, not always in utter display for all to see, but they manuvere correctly in the right amounts.

More often than not, players do not appear like players. There are different degrees and variations. Im not talking the obvious spike drink hit on girl in club type. Girls are aware of these and take ample precaution, but let their guard down (not to say that you gotta always keep your guard up, cause then you would be an uptight piece of shit) in the daily context of everyday/school/work/play.

They is your neighbour, your classmate and your office-boy. Together they make girl think she is special in a very discreet way, and then she will blush and giggle and feel all bubbly inside, and feel that she is special and only one in whole world; oblivious to the fact that she is a mere statistic in his game.

Obviously you've got those genuine mambo jambo sweet-guy types, but this post is not about them knights in shining armours, those real ones i dedicate to another day. Players are by no means limited to the male gender, because many girls delight in the fact that they can make many silly men fall for them. They like to play/lead-on once they know they got a guy hanging off their heels. These are the girls that reflect the player's advances, and happily play-back; and pretend- giggle and gush, so the player thinks he has obtained another mere statistic in his game. What comes around goes around; peanuts.

So guilliable, these things.

Now by this point, I feel the need to further elaborate, to prettify my case, but it seems that I have now lost my trend of thought. You see, things come and go, just like fat boyfriends and skinny girlfriends, blue rainbows and bright sunshine, you still gotta know that sticks and stones, they don't break your bones.

And so, kudos to one of my oldest friends! Good advice/truths come from the most unconceivably surprising places. I'm out of my rutt and plan to stay that way!! Now, on to work!

why am i feeling so damn morbid? that last post was depressing! i'm not even one those melodramatic types and yet that post reflects otherwise.

ps. i don't feel like a criminal (unlike tyq LOL)

Had a little time this morning and did the blog rounds.
when i got to fiona's i realised that she's been blogging more than i've visited!
hehe
but the thing that caught my eye was this: talk less, listen more.
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
also, i would like to add, show some consideration, think of others around you, every relationship (between friends or lovers) has to be about give and take.
i'm no emotional punching bag!!!

there, i've said my piece. there will be more to come. i'm in a very frustrating position at the moment - between a shit hole and another shit hole. TOOT TOOT!!!

Thx Chris for brightening up my morning!

This morning I woke up to find a msg on msn from Chris!!
Btw, hope the mid-sem went well. I have no doubt you'll ace it!
Anyway I thought of Chris, mugging away for investments and I remembered what it was like when I was doing that subject this time last year...and I'm glad I don't have to do it again :)
Hehe we'll have to catch up again July when you're back in sg!
And I can grill you and make you sweat LOL *sweats*
Sooooo can't get over that still, you sweat and shanny goes diao! Haha!
And you never have to worry that I will forget you AND Christine's birthday!! ;)
Ohhhh I can be sooo evil sometimes...am I torturing you yet?? In public?? That the WHOLE world can see??!! LOL

The point of this blog being: there are still lots of people out there who make me smile despite being stuck in this foul moody grumpy hole I've dug for myself! Just don't let myself be alone...

i haven't blogged in the longest time! i've been kept busy running around and getting caught up in the web of drama i have spun myself into.

emotional turmoil
i let myself cross that line...that very fine line and i got burnt and stabbed in the back.
the cut is deep, so deep. and yes, of course it hurts.
i do really feel betrayed and the only thing saving me from driving myself absolutely crazy from over analysing everything are my wonderful girlies. and it is so true about what was said the other day - we can't see each other just one day a week (Sundays), we go crazy and miss everyone!!!
i am such a control freak. i need to know everything. it drives me crazy not knowing.
distractions are good, they help me forget. takes my mind off a breaking heart.

there's so much that has happened since i last blogged. it's pretty hard to try to recall everything so i won't even try :) if you've got me on FaceBook, i always put up photos there and a little story that might go with it! hehe

most importantly, i've grown closer to God and am relying a lot more on Him. pretty hard for a girl who likes to be in control!

sorry this is so short for the long time that i haven't blogged but i'm exhausted and ready to pass out. oh and i'm adopting another rabbit! gloria and sheena will bring a baby bunny on wednesday and i'm going to try putting him with Jake. they could be best friends! Jake is as cute as ever, he responds when i call his name! very cute eh?! i'm not sure if sheena has named the rabbit yet, it's a netherland dwarf and brown! hehe i will have two breeds of rabbit!

last but not least, i still can't hold my alcohol, still as soft as ever!!! i still talk crap when i'm drunk and pour out everything that's on my mind to complete strangers. some things just never change...