all my angst & feelings come spilling out...

at small group tonight, melvin, siping and nick surprised sharon and i with a cake and presents for our birthday! at first, i thought it was only for qi but then melvin said he read that i just had my birthday last month so it's a belated celebration. they bought a cake from taka, which is awesome - coffee and chocolate!!! and i love the postcard :) must hunt around for them to send to australia! i will get around to reading the book as soon as possible, and the notebook did come in useful ;) THANK YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!!! i was truly deeply touched that they did that for me as well :) it's the little things that mean the most. being alone, without the support of my family, i'm starting to lean on my friends more and more and i don't think i would be able to face each day without them. they bring me joy, hope, and strength :) and they encourage my faith to grow more and more each day!

a recent incident made me feel like a snob, it made me think hard and deep, and it put things into perspectives. i always thought that i'm a princess and i should be treated like one (by guys) and i do often expect that. no, this wasn't the epiphany i had. usually, i live in my own bubble, my own world. from my last post, i'm sure you know i had a rude awakening about how uncaring i have been and narcisstic i have been. but then another incident came to shock me back to the grim reality of this world. i found myself in the company of the "working class", proletarians, the common people, whatever you like to call it. and as i sat there, i found myself thinking, how unfortunate these poor people were, that they were probably not very well educated and how ignorant they must be. and i just caught myself and felt like absolute shit. who am i to judge people like i am better than them? i detest it when people put me into a box and label me like they have me all figured out, so why am i being such a damn hypocrite?! they probably have a bigger heart than i do! and i look at my life and a conversation i had with gloria yesterday. she said that people usually date and marry within their own social status, there's no cinderella story. and i do concur, i know how true that statement is. i do feel disheartened because the boy who's got me all giggly and utterly obsessed lives a different life from me. i believe the word unattainable would aptly describe it....and i remember CNY incident and how upset it made my mum...all i can say is that a few words can trivialize everything one person has worked so hard for. and at that moment i swore i wouldn't become that person. i'm not saying it's human nature, i don't want to make excuses. the world isn't going to change, no matter how long we wait. instead, i have to change, be more conscious and considerate to those around me. and constantly give thanks for the fortunate life i have lived. my struggles don't compare.

why am i so weak and desperate to give away my heart? i say i because i know my friends are stronger in this aspect, whereas i have this need to create dramas in my life that i know will just end in tears and a broken heart. dreaming with a broken heart, that's what i am essentially doing right? i am the epitome of silliness when it comes to matters of the heart. because people always disappoint you. only rely on yourself. and if you can't do that then...

is it better not knowing what and how he feels? honestly, it frustrates me. but do i want to know and kill all hope i have? or just go on dreaming and living in this fantasy i've created for myself? i don't want my bubble to burst. i still want this goofy grin plastered on my face, rather than feeling like the freaking loser i'm sounding like right now. i know, this is like my favourite subject - my latest crush. it's all an infatuation. trust me, when i find real love, i will know. the walls i've put up will crumble and disappear, he'll be able to see right through me, know my thoughts before i even think it! the days will be longer, the nights brighter, food will never taste as good!!

but even with a crush, i laugh harder, i smile more, my heart is full and happy. i can't wait to fall head over heels in love :) and for him to love me back.