patience is a virtue

came across this devotion today and i wondered out loud, "is God speaking to me?" when i was 15 (still young and naive), rach used to remind us, PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE! because of our incessant impatient natures... but it gets more difficult to remain patient as we grow up. we always want things right here, right now. at work, in relationships... why wait when you can have something at this very moment? just to digress, that is why we have the time value of money! $100 at a future date is only equivalent to that amount less a discount factor today. whoa!

i admit, there were so many times just in the last few months alone that i have cried out, cried out, why why why??? and why is God remaining silent?!! i wanted answers NOW! but there were also those times, when i wanted answers, BUT was too scared to know the answers to those questions and so, chose to go on wondering... waiting for the right time perhaps... but i was thinking last night, there will never be a right time. though time and God may heal the wounds, it may only just re-open those wounds (or cut another one that is just as deep). and so, i am learning, to commit it into His great hands and lean on him to carry me through. the burden may be there but it is lighter :)

i know that i think i have moved on. that i can just pretend to be so over the cruelties in life. but i'm just so easy to see through... and i wish it could be so easy. to just snap my fingers and it will all be over. but perhaps, God has a lesson for me to learn in this. sometimes i envy the ability of guys to compartmentalise everything. work is work, friends are friends, partners are partners. they don't cross over. whereas, if something else in life is bothering me, it means i have to work extra hard to get work done properly. the extra effort is taxing, and i get weak, and i fall sick. all because i feel everything in every way.

when i was younger i would always wish that time will pass faster, so that i can grow up and live a grown-up life, which always seemed much better than life as a little girl, sheltered and protected life... never having any real responsibilities. i couldn't wait to grow up. and now, i just want to be that little girl again, to have my parents shielding me from the big cruel world.

now, i need to wait on the Lord, trusting that he will provide for me, now and for eternity.

let me just share with you....

Waiting on the Lord

by Sarah Jennings, Crosswalk.com Family Editor

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27: 13-14

I read a book a few years ago for couples discerning marriage called The Exclamation. The author pointed out that God could answer the question “Should I marry him/her” in only three ways: Yes. No. Wait.

I think the toughest of the three is, “Wait.” It’s not just that we live in an impatient society (we do), and it’s not just that we can be selfish, demanding creatures (we can), and it’s not just that we tend to want life on our own terms (we do) -- it’s that waiting requires surrender of one of man’s most precious commodities: time.

Our lives our finite. Each day is precious, each month, each year, because we only have but so many. So when the Infinite God whispers to His limited creatures, “Wait,” our responses often sound something like this:

“You see, you don’t get it, God. Sure, it’s easy for you to wait – you have all of eternity. But I really need some answers. You gave Amy answers, and Chuck answers, and Lori answers, so it’s only right and fair you give me answers. After all, you said ‘whoever seeks shall find’ and stuff, so now I’m seeking, and ‘wait’ just isn’t an acceptable response.”

I think it’s even tougher to wait when we have pain lingering in our pasts. We may wonder, “Why should I trust God? Last time everything ended in disaster.” I speak from experience here. I’ve had to wait on an answer to prayer for a long time now – even for someone of my youthful age. I know how tough it is to receive the umpteenth “not yet” from God. I know what it’s like to look back on painful deferments and feel like life is slipping by.

Yes, waiting isn’t for spiritual wimps, but for those strong of heart. Obeying a “not yet” from God requires true faith. It’s handing over our days and years and months to God, trusting that we won’t regret holding off. It’s believing God’s plan is truly the best plan even when several other enticing options tempt us. It’s deferring what is good for what is best.

And there’s the reward of waiting. Even in the midst of my own unanswered prayers, I still believe God isn’t out to get you or me. He doesn’t ask us to wait to torment us. In His infinitely perfect nature, He sees what we can’t and wants to give us more than we’re currently asking for. All the times I’ve ignored God’s “wait” and taken matters into my own hands, a lot of precious time was wasted. But those that wait on Him will experience joy that far surpasses any temporary pleasure that comes with forging ahead alone.

Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30: 5 (NAS)

i looked up and read Psalm 27 after that.

Psalm 27

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—

whom shall I fear?

The LORD is the stronghold of my life—

of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When evil men advance against me

to devour my flesh,

when my enemies and my foes attack me,

they will stumble and fall.

3 Though an army besiege me,

my heart will not fear;

though war break out against me,

even then will I be confident.

4 One thing I ask of the LORD,

this is what I seek:

that I may dwell in the house of the LORD

all the days of my life,

to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD

and to seek him in his temple.

5 For in the day of trouble

he will keep me safe in his dwelling;

he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle

and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted

above the enemies who surround me;

at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;

I will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;

be merciful to me and answer me.

8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"

Your face, LORD, I will seek.

9 Do not hide your face from me,

do not turn your servant away in anger;

you have been my helper.

Do not reject me or forsake me,

O God my Savior.

10 Though my father and mother forsake me,

the LORD will receive me.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD;

lead me in a straight path

because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,

for false witnesses rise up against me,

breathing out violence.

13 I am still confident of this:

I will see the goodness of the LORD

in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;

be strong and take heart

and wait for the LORD.

home-cooked GOODNESS

the BEST thing about swimming sessions with tyq??
having her mummy's yummy home-cooked food afterwards!!!
and yeah, her mum's an awesome cook too! love her soup :)
and then eat until super duper FULL but still cannot stop!
extremely satisfied and contented (",)
but the walk back to the mrt... i can feel myself carrying the extra weight =/

thank you ah teo!!! i love you darling xoxo

handing in my official letter today. a little nervous... why should i be?!

i'm very tempted to stay in aus a bit longer too. i know the reason is totally dishonourable and i should get that thought straight out of my head!
but then... what if i were to move back, and live there for like the next 2 years?!!

ok, EARTH TO MICHELLE!!!

but there are some things i can only dream about...

breakfast on a monday morning

it's definitely food for thought!


God's Promises
Week of April 27, 2008
by Margaret D. Mitchell

“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.” ~Hebrews 10:36

God purposes the timing and manifestations of His promises. Though some seem a long time coming, they are not. Though the wait may feel like God has forgotten, He has not. God’s timing is perfect, and His patience is great.

Consider Elizabeth and Mary. Despite their great difference in age, both women were pregnant with promised sons simultaneously. The timing of each pregnancy was purposed according to God’s plan as was their children’s destinies.

What has God promised you? Has He delivered yet? How’s your faith?

2 Peter 3:8 says, “a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.”

Perseverance in obedience is the key to receiving the promises of God. And when we get off track, repentance is key.

In Psalm 119, we see that God gives us hope through His promises (vs. 49). He preserves our lives through His promises (vs. 50). He supplies us with grace according to His promises (vs. 58). And we are to meditate on and rejoice in His promises (vs. 148, 162).God's heart within us and the fulfillment of His promises allows us to forgive those who disappointed us on a greater level. When we expect people, not God, to fulfill promises only God can fulfill, we must repent and release them to Him. False expectations can hold us in bondage and cause us to miss God’s very best for our lives.

What have you expected and have not yet received? How are you handling the situation? Are you praising God throughout the process? Has your mind been on Him or on your circumstances? How about your heart? Do you know that God loves you enough to bring fulfillment, to be true to His word. Do you trust Him enough?

Have you asked God what His will is? Have you asked Him what you are supposed to complete before He fulfills His promise?

The fulfillment of God’s promises points toward Him as the one true God. David’s prayer in 2 Samuel 7:25-26 says, “And now, Lord God, keep forever the promise You have made concerning Your servant and His house. Do as You promised, so that Your name will be great forever. Then men will say, ‘The Lord Almighty is God over Israel!’ And the house of Your servant David will be established before You.”

When God fulfills His promises, do we give Him all the glory? Is it all about Him? Is He first on our hearts?

Psalm 145:13 says, “The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.”

Jeremiah 32:19 says, “great are Your purposes and mighty are Your deeds. Your eyes are open to all the ways of men; You reward everyone according to his conduct and as his deeds deserve.”

May we receive the full measure of God’s promises by being obedient to His will.

the Lord is faithful and his love endures forever, his mercies are new every morning!

Praise, sing! Praise, sing!!

salt

"You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men." -- Matthew 5:13

call me stupid, call me slow... but when i read this, i didn't understand it. perhaps, there were things just blocking me from understanding.. nevertheless, when melvin told me to read this during my last trip to bris, i just thought, "salt... erm, huh??" i got the part about being the light of the world, but i couldn't grasp what salt had to do with anything at all!

but during the sermon today, i had this "ahh...." lightbulb flashing moment as it dawned on my thick self what being the salt of the earth meant. what use is salt if it loses it's flavour? so, really the lesson for me is, to always live a God-centred life.

All that I am, all that I have

I lay them down before you, oh Lord

All my regrets, all my acclaims

The joy and the pain, I'm making them yours

Lord, I offer my life to you

Everything I've been through

Use it for your glory

Lord I offer my days to you

Lifting my praise to you

As a pleasing sacrifice

Lord I offer you my life

Things in the past, things yet unseen

Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true

All of my heart, alll of my praise

My heart and my hands are lifted to you

What can we give

That you have not given?

And what do we have

That is not already yours?

All we possess

Are these lives we're living

That's what we give to you, Lord

dear Father, everything that i have and everything that i am, i lay them at your feet. how unworthy i am and yet you have given me more than i deserve. mould me and transform me that i will be the salt and light of the earth for your glory. i put all my hope and joy in you alone. in Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

oh my darlings...

i feel so incredibly blessed!!

no, no... i'm not feeling emo, just been pretty tired, and needing company. i didn't say that i do, just randomly asking pao and esther for coffee... pao was busy with her mum being back in sg and all... but she seemed very concerned about me, i reassured her that i'm fine and that there's nothing wrong with me, and she told me that if i ever needed to talk i can just give her a call, which made it the second person today who told me just that!

the first person, being of course, my dear girl, Katherine Jane Farrington! :p after excitedly telling her that i will be in town for her 23rd birthday and her excitedly telling me to come to her b'day party, she asked how everything was with me... ahhh yes, she knows how i feel of course, and i was there by her side to see her through it... and now it's her turn!!! (babe, you owe me ;) haha)

i'm trying to make a copy of this photo (since i have no idea where all the originals of my 21st birthday photos have disappeared to :( saded..)

i took this photo in the office haha... do i look more like mummy or daddy???!!!

oh and not sure if i've blogged these photos already but here goes again!

CK gave me his b&j post-it notes after i saw it and was so enraptured by it!

thanks a bunch CK! :)

JP gave me this Pooh bear cake thing that her friend bought for her from Disneyland!

it's so cute - it has Pooh's face on it!!

the new desktop background that i'm lovin'

cute right? so many stars!

and Nolan gave me this mirror from Reuters that you stick on the corner of ur computer screen

so useful ya, especially when my desk is soooo EXPOSED!!

memory

i feel so refreshed! credited to the 1 hour nap i had just before :) it felt like hours though and i thank God that i was able to fall asleep so easily! and it will still be an early night so i will be ready for Round 3 tmr =) so many things to be thankful for, but i pray Father that you will show me the way and if this is your will for me... that i will not be impulsive from fear of being unemployed.


perhaps, something i had been flirting with... the idea... that if i am still unemployed after taking my CFA exam, i will go back to australia. how long for?! maybe a year or two... then perhaps, saved enough (and aced my GMAT - 720 at least!!) and i will be off to Wharton or Harvard or Stern! i'm still being ambitious ya *giggles* my dreams of going to Harvard might still be realised! lol...


but it's so difficult to leave... so many things to consider... but i shall not all these worries consume me and bring me down!


am watching american idol, which i DO NOT follow but tonight features andrew lloyd webber!! how can i miss it right?!?! oh how i miss musicals and operas! so many good times preparing for our high school musicals, so many memories attached... it's weird the one that stands out was musical camp for les miserables... the moment we arrived, we dumped our stuff onto our beds and a group of us went down to the beach, running along the beach, playing among the waves, picking up shells with nick, you know what....i still have those shells!!! they were tiny ones, and he said they were just like me, TINY!!! faint...


but this little memory has gotten me rummaging around for what i have brought over from my last trip home, and photos of when i was 17...

Memory, All alone in the moonlight

I can smile at the old days

I was beautiful then

I remember

The time I knew what happiness was

Let the memory live again

安静

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天

睡着的大提琴

安静的旧旧的

我想你已表现的非常明白

我懂我也知道

你没有舍不得

你说你也会难过我不相信

牵着你陪着我

也只是曾经

希望他是真的比我还要爱你

我才会逼自己离开

你要我说多难堪

我根本不想分开

为什么还要我用微笑来带过

我没有这种天份

包容你也接受他

不用担心的太多

我会一直好好过

你已经远远离开

我也会慢慢走开

为什么我连分开都迁就着你

我真的没有天份

安静的没这么快

我会学着放弃你

是因为我太爱你

why?

i'm still asking why... why do i think the most...ARGH things????
u know i have this sense of de ja vu, me going off to australia once again, taking a break from everything. oh God, please don't let it be a repeat of things gone by when i come back...

talking to my babes today really helped :) J&J hahas..

call for a 3rd round at DB also helped to cheer up my day and put hope into this bleak day.

felt so depressed and tired today. going home now to get some rest. and a few things to do as well...

emo no more

i'm sick of emo michelle!

really got to get over this. it's so weird, that a look would turn my legs into jelly and brain into mashed potato. it shouldn't.

need to spend less time on the phone too!

really need to start being more vigilant and guard my very broken very soft very weak heart.

am i really so transparent? that my feelings, emotions, everything that i'm trying to keep in and look composed, shows so clearly???

ok, i admit i was feeling quite tired this morning, but only a little! (due to the restless night i had)

still, when big bird asked me why i look so tired, i was like, "no.." then he goes on to ask if i'm ok, if there is something upsetting me...
in that split second, i remembered when someone told me that (s)he could see the sadness in my eyes. and i just stood frozen.
and, ok... i wanted to cry. i don't know why.
so i told him, i just had a bad night sleep because of a conversation i had.. and he prodded... and i told him. not in as much detail but bits and pieces...

he told me i need counselling...from him! sigh... 2 people with similar problems, how to counsel?!! hahas!

anyway, gonna go lunch with him now =/ at 2pm...

confused

thinking back,
i wonder...
did i fall in love with you,
or did i fall in love with the idea of you?

trust...
can you really trust someone who has lied to you?

it's weird, i think i really have hardened my feelings towards people. i'm still open, but i don't share. after much prodding on friday, i finally shared some of my past with big bird (who now wants to be called small bird, wait no, to be specific, tweety bird!!) and i was really scared. scared to where it may lead... closer friends... it's not that i don't want any close friends (or any more close friends) but just the things he says/tells me, makes me feel like running far away. and i know it's nothing, it's just me and all in my head, so i have to force myself to stop myself from running away and just face it.

i had a second installment to my first weird dream. so...... faints...... speechless!!!

-__- CK put my name on sparks as "dots....." yes, he did. i thought he would have changed it by now but NO!!! ok, so i still have him as "BabyCK"...

my daddy suggested that i go back, i can easily get a job (work for my parents loh!) or just do my masters... i admit, i actually thought that i would just go pack up right then and there and leave. sounds so easy right? but there are some things i cannot leave behind.

firstly, i'm sure God has brought me here for a reason, and surely i have matured?? that i have learnt to trust in his goodness and faithfulness, that he has indeed been there for me in my sufferings, and not only that but provided help for me on countless occasions! and everytime i was so close to........ let's not go into what i was close to thinking, to doing... but everytime, he brought me out of it. if this is where he wants me to be... sigh, i think i might understand what fiona must have thought last year... (dear, i'll share with you soon ok?)

secondly, how can i leave behind the girls?!! fiona, sinyee, xiao wei, yan qi... and then gp will be back soon too! ohhh..... my dear girlies.... it is definitely something that i will miss the most when i leave.

thirdly, not so small and JC2... how can i not love all the kids??!!! it's just impossible!! i really enjoyed today, preparing for parents day, working with the girls from our previous class... i've missed them... and not so small, who have been supporting me in prayer and helping me to learn and grow too. really miss wendy... i still remember her as the first person who reached out to me when i first joined, though both of us were quite closed... how she has changed ;) and will miss our wise leader (though sometimes i wish he would tell me things more straight forwardly so i don't have to think so much!) and siping :(

fourthly, most precious pao and est and chris, who will be back soon! i miss miss miss chris, the guy who shared my dreams of joining the ranks of the BB :) before he decided to shatter that dream by choosing equity research in HK! wahlaus.... don't go.... see lah, come back to spend 6 months with us, going back to do his honours then going to run off to HK!

fifthly, colleagues who have become good friends, people who i have confided in, share almost every day with...

then, there's my grandmother that i cannot leave here... i feel this burden that if i go, she won't make it. that she feels because i'm here, without my parents around, she's here to look after me, make sure i'm ok. if i leave.... i don't even want to think about it.

oh and yes, there is one more reason... which is also the reason that would make me say GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA! since time cannot be rewound, it will be easier to disappear... out of sight, out of mind... and we can pretend nothing ever happened. you know, sometimes there will be things that you just forget, simply can't remember... maybe it will be like that, if you don't have that constant reminder in front of you. it's not that i have problems moving on, because i'm out of that bubble, i am so clear that i'm afraid of what i'm seeing.

there are things that i wish for... most definitely... but, "not my will but yours be done". if it's in his will, it will come to pass....

but perhaps, the pull factor, to stay here... is that my heart is here, for now. yes i would love to go to aussieland to live, but it would only be because my family is there. friends, are so disposable... (perhaps a small insight to my life in aus). which makes it all the more worth staying here, the friends that i have made, friendships that i have built... never knew the full worth of that before. my heart is here because of the relationships i have, even if it's only friends and not family, but...

and i'm definitely healing... healing everything that has been broken in my life. there has been so much that has come rushing back to me for the past few weeks. lots of pain, yes, but you know what, also some things that had been excruciating have now left me feeling....OK! and then a lesson learnt also (thank God for wisdom!) that i have felt this burden to share with someone, but haven't done so yet... mainly because i don't want this person to feel like i'm telling him something/hinting at him... but the lesson is definitely starting to "haunt" me the longer i drag this on... =/ so... will you spare me some time to hear me out? i promise.... no emotions attached!

thursday...one day closer to the weekend!!

i'm sitting here at my desk, with finally, 2 mins of peace before i start on this assignment which has to be finished by tomorrow (and i am positive i can get it ALL done today, a bit over optimistic...haha). it's after 2pm and i'm feeling dizzy from the last remnants of caffeine floating around. the buzz is definitely still there, and i'm feeling it's full effects since i'm being rather "idle" now compared to my morning. well, it's been rather busy since my deadlines for daily work has been moved earlier and i'm under copious amounts of stress to get it done before lunch time and it doesn't help when numerous problems arise. it's been awhile since i've had kopi so i guess the effects are quite...hmm, well, strong! lol. and it really kept me going, i was zipping around, fully concentrating on various tasks, only interrupted by JP and a few phone calls... i haven't had lunch yet but i'm not hungry... last night fiona tempted me with the thought of mcgriddles for breakfast, but i managed to resist... until big bird came in and had bought that for breakfast! and he gave me half of it (cos he felt bad that he didn't think of me when ordering lol) and so i'm not very hungry although the boys are wanting to lunch soon...

i try really hard actually~~

fears

i'm scared of touch.

it's such a contradiction. i was brought up with plenty of hugs and kisses. i need them. but now, i'm scared of the intimacy of a mere touch, of me touching someone or someone touching me. i want a hug, i'm crying out for one. but i feel myself tense up, giving out vibes that i don't want anyone near me.

i only consciously realised how fearful i was this morning, when D reached out for my hand. and i noticed that every lesson, he would at some point hold my hand to ask me something, usually if he had been a good boy or not. and how i would tense and as he continued on with his work, still holding on to my hand, how i would gently pull away my hand.

just the other day, i was standing over A's desk when big bird came over and saw my hands resting on A's desk. and big bird goes, "oh... shiny nails... can i touch?" i wasn't sure if he was kidding or not so just went, "erm..... okayyyyyyyyyy........." and then he went to touch my nails -__- both A and i were speechless! and i felt weird, like i would never have felt this way before, it's only nails for goodness' sake!

maybe i'm really just scared. i know i have nothing to fear, maybe just scared of myself. i know what i'm capable of, of so easily losing myself. transformation of mind, michelle!!! listen to the wise one's words ;) albeit plagiarised hahaha ok i'm really kidding!!!

but i admit that i had fallen, and then in the end, fallen so damn hard that it hurts like hell. but something to learn too... that God allows bad things to happen so that we will learn, and learn to depend on him is what i did. am doing.

perhaps, underlying everything, is the fear of rejection. something i thought i had gotten over...

love is a 4 letter word

this exchange took place in front of my eyes, on my tv screen...

"thank you for your misplaced love."

"am i not as good as her?"

"you're different from her. comparison is unnecessary. my love for her will never change."

girl leaves with package from boy that she has promised to pass to his girl.

she walks down the street with heavy heart and vacant eyes.

his words echoed back into her mind.

she struggles to take another step, clutches at her aching heart, then stumbles to the ground.

-- i am sick again. woke up this morning feeling light headed and not being able to breathe properly. started feeling slight cold symptoms which has now worsened :( and am feeling rather panicky about tomorrow...

Sundays are sunny

i had the class all to myself today. and i must admit, i've fallen so much in love with them that the ones who couldn't make it, i felt my heart ache thinking that i won't see them for another week. so much misses...

i'm still terrified though, of teaching... so many questions i don't have the answers to. and the ones that i think i am able to answer, i can't seem to simplify! but i'm glad they are thinking so deeply and so much and i hope to encourage them to keep asking, keep questioning, not just about God but about everything in life. to always question presumptions and challenge assumptions.

but today's lesson was good, thank God! the topic was on forgiveness... irony or coincidence?? the psalm was psalm 32... i really hope the kids understood the psalm, really tried to break it down verse by verse. this one was easier to explain ie. no cheem words we all didn't understand! can't say the same for cheem concepts though =/ but it's the discussions i really enjoy with them. getting them to open up more of themselves as well.

have you ever had to forgive somebody for hurting you?

have you ever had to ask forgiveness from someone you hurt?

qi ah, qi... maybe you were spot on afterall, that i'll be able to share my experiences ;) but rest assured, i did not pour out my heart on the kids! but i did manage to share the process... the feeling of not knowing why people would even want to hurt us, the pain that we feel from it, not wanting to forgive... i hope they understand why it is important to forgive, that God will be the one to judge and that we have to forgive just as Jesus did. and also, why it is important to say sorry and to ask for forgiveness from God.

and raymond and i are trying to make full good use of our CM prayer journal. it's funny, that when i ask if they had any prayer requests and they say no, then i would ask, "sure? how about exams?" and suddenly they were saying yes! and then they thought of more things to pray for :) hmm.. still need to get them to pray though... hehe

miss them already...

Miss Fine

i don't want to be miss fine. i don't want to be struggling, but instead of doing what i need to do (which in my case is talking about it) i just want to bury it. and put plenty of cement over it. it's like previously, everything that i had buried had been unearthed and now, they all lay staring up at me.

i need to go home. i do, i really do. i need to clear things out and settle some stuff at home. i need to find him. i need to know, what happened in grade 12, had i been blind all that time? had i really not seen it all that time? am i only realising this now? but how will i do it? when i don't even know where you are...

not dying, dead.

shit. i'm doing it again.
WHY???????

why do i keep doing this? i know i'm not strong enough yet... and still i did. and it hurts even more now than the first time i did it. shit shit shit.

why, eve? why, adam? why did you both have to eat the fruit?? why did you have to know??

ignorance is bliss...

why couldn't i just leave things as they were?
now i know how you felt, when you did it and saw what i had said.
the pain must have been unbearable... i'm so sorry... i deserve what i'm getting now.
but there is a difference, i'm suffering more.

Father, help me, save me... from myself.

new office!

finally, we have moved down to our new office on 15 floor!

but my seat really sux, everyone's seat really sux!!! the whole place is so open that my boss can easily see who is in at what time, when and how long we take our lunch breaks, pretty much she is her own survelliance camera!!! ;(

but we got a HUGE break yesterday when the movers came to shift our stuff, of course, boss goes first... and since we all had to pack up all our stuff and seal up the boxes and turn off our comps, big bird, AC and myself were really embracing our LAST chance at freedom! we were yakking away like we had never chatted before and were laughing and doing the most idiotic things, that even the rest of our team soon joined in the fun! big bird had written "i am gay" on a strip of masking tape and had taped it on AC's back, AC picked up my bag and slung it on his arm and started walking really girly without realising he had "i am gay" written on his back! and the whole team was laughing, i was almost in tears and... we all discovered how loud and talkative all of us really were! even AR giggled and chatted! then when AC found out about the sticker on his back, he started tackling big bird who was laughing uncontrollably and they started punching each other..... ahhhh boys.... reminds me of my high school days -__- which prompted me saying, "guys are so silly!" then remembering the old saying we had in junior school "guys are stupid throw rocks at them", i added that i should start throwing rocks at the fighting duo!

and then small A shook his head at us and wondered aloud what had overcome all of us?? since when did we become so noisy?? and i think yesterday was the most i had talked to small A too. helping him to label his stuff, and seal his boxes while he was stressfully rushing to finish his report...

i do like my team, no, i love them! even with all our disagreements and dislikes, we're still very much a family. "treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers , and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" i'm the youngest in my team, yet i feel like a mother sometimes!

thanks be to God for the people he has put in my life! yes, all the people...

it's hard work

esther said yesterday at shw, that forgiveness is a process. that sometimes, you need to be forgiving over and over.

ahhhh yes how true.

i'll forgive you. and i'll forget you.
i remember the first time i heard that i was shocked. could you forgive a person just to forget them? i guess in a way, it's a compromise... the person knows they have your forgiveness and you can just forget the person who had caused you so much pain. but that's not a solution, is it?

and i am glad for my perfect friend, the one who will never tire of my repeated ramblings, the one who fully understands what i'm going through, the one who sees and feels my pain and brokeness. what a friend i have in Jesus! :) and i will forgive as Jesus has forgiven. and i will not forget either. who am i kidding if i said that i can forgive and forget? but i will be able to come to terms with it... isn't this all in God's will? that i should learn from this and that he will be here to help me. and i've never been able to hold a grudge.

yesterday...
sigh... why do people always disappoint me? i am so grateful that my Father never fails. and i need to keep forgiving... to keep leaning on Him and trusting in Him.

thank God... really??

there are infinite things to be thankful for, definitely thank God for the good and the bad, because... "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." - Romans 5: 3-4.

today A wrote this (in jest, of course, 'cos we always do this kinda wu liao things) after i sent out one of my daily reports:

"I thank God for Mich for which without her, the reports would not be generated, carefully scrutinized and sent out in an orderly and timely manner.

Where is God when I needed a few more distinctions ?!?!?!?!? – Opps, just kidding, God"

which in turn, reminded me of the time someone also said to me that they are thankful for me. and isn't it just scarily coincidental that the song All My Life was playing.

And all my life
I've prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I, that I finally found you
All my life
I've prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too

just to digress a bit as well, i'm reminded of a scene from a movie, just can't remember which movie it is from... where the female lead is sitting in front of the tv, watching some old-school movie where the male lead in that movie was professing his love for his leading lady and that he will always love her, forever and ever etc etc... and the female lead watching the movie suddenly yells out "LIAR!!!" and throws whatever she had been eating at the tv.

and talking about jaded lovers... i still remember, i think it was like, the second or third day of my working at the bank, and jason was asking me what "jaded" meant cos his "perfect girl" had described herself as being jaded.

is there something, some sort of neon sign hanging above my head, inviting guys i barely know to pour out their sob-story about their love lives???!!! it happened soon after i met jason and happened again soon after i met big bird...

OH! i remember the movie now!!!!!! it was in Legally Blonde and Reese Witherspoon had just been dumped by her "perfect" boyfriend for another girl. she was wallowing in chocolates and had been watching some day-time soap opera, and had thrown the whole box of chocolates at the tv!

back to the topic, so really, don't thank God for me... i should thank him for using me to touch your life instead, and to pray that he will continue to use me to touch other's lives.

read a really confusing devotion today. i didn't quite understand it, perhaps need someone to clarify things? but a part of this devotion did speak to me, even though it was in a way unrelated to the devotion topic.

"As I mature, I’m seeing some of that messiness as God’s way of growing me up. It forces me to choose between offense or grace, between bitterness or forgiveness and between selfishness or service."

i'm reflecting on my imperfect self... sigh... Father, please give me the wisdom to choose wisely, to grow and to encourage others. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

yes, that would be so nice

i made a playlist on my work comp. finally! so i can listen to tunes while charging my iPod :) but the playlist has been limited to the songs i have copied over from cds (since my laptop's cd drive is on strike).

so in between power ballads and sooky love songs are the gentle notes of bossa, courtesy of olivia ong. my fave of the day: So Nice. my love for bossa was first discovered in a small cafe, by the beach, in my adopted home town of Gold Coast. it's indescribably relaxing, suitable for a lazy Sunday at Greenmount while looking down and out into the big ocean, or perhaps a night in with wine glass in hand staring out the window at the city lights.



still, sometimes even just a word would trigger a tug, sometimes so soft i barely feel it.



i don't know why i can't stop thinking, ever since that thought pushed itself into my head after i saw that photo, our photo... once again, the memory of those days came gushing back. 5 and a half years ago and it seemed like just yesterday. how come i never realised how much memories we had created, shared so much, and yet it wasn't through words, wasn't through d&m in fact i think we maybe only had a few d&m together...

from a grateful heart

thanks and hugs and kisses to my darling fiona!!! - seriously couldn't sleep last night, it was approaching 1am and i was frustrated that i was so awake though i was feeling damn tired! dear miss ho called me up, quick chat, shared Psalm 16 with me, then prayed for me. and i fell asleep almost straight away! and... i forgot to set my alarm!! but blessing in disguise, i got 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep (though i was late for work) and when i woke up, feeling refreshed (finally!) i was jumping for joy, thanking God for the much needed rest!

am really falling in love with the book of Psalm... have been touching on it on an almost constant basis - preparing for class, devotions, having it shared with me by my darlings...

miss phua was so adorable, on sunday, telling me that everything that she had heard in the last 3 days had been for her to share with me :) and she gave me Psalm 34 to hold on to.

Psalm 34

1 I will extol the LORD at all times;

his praise will always be on my lips.;

2 My soul will boast in the LORD;

let the afflicted hear and rejoice.;

3 Glorify the LORD with me;

let us exalt his name together.;

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;

he delivered me from all my fears.;

5 Those who look to him are radiant;

their faces are never covered with shame.;

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;

he saved him out of all his troubles.;

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,

and he delivers them.;

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;

blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.;

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,

for those who fear him lack nothing.;

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,

but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.;

11 Come, my children, listen to me;

will teach you the fear of the LORD.;

12 Whoever of you loves life

and desires to see many good days,;

13 keep your tongue from evil

and your lips from speaking lies.;

14 Turn from evil and do good;

seek peace and pursue it.;

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous

and his ears are attentive to their cry;;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,

to cut off the memory of them from the earth.;

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;

he delivers them from all their troubles.;

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.;

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,

but the LORD delivers him from them all;;

20 he protects all his bones,

not one of them will be broken.;

21 Evil will slay the wicked;

the foes of the righteous will be condemned.;

22 The LORD redeems his servants;

no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

but really, the best thing was the dream i had. even though most of it has been forgotten, lost in the depths of REM sleep, i did manage to catch, to remember the edges of a sweet dream. it wasn't about work, but it was about the ice queen... and not like the horrible ones that had haunted me for the longest time. in this dream, it was away from the office, i saw her and had approached her with weary caution, thinking it polite to say a quick hello. and instead of the disdain i have encountered on so many occasions she smiled and spoke to me sincerely about things that i will not go into details.

oh perhaps i should mention that forgiveness was something that, after much tears and confusion and anger and frustration on monday night, i had concluded i need to do. of course, prayerfully, because i would never have been able to get that far otherwise. thank God for the time i spent on dear's bed, crying but holding back the BIG BIG sobs that were on the verge of revealing themselves. she helped me to understand, to really move on. and forgiveness was the first step for me to move on. forgiving all those people, all those words, all those feelings.

and i felt a freedom like i have never experienced in my life. finally letting go of everything that had kept me captive, kept me trapped. after walking through the Valley of Weeping, it will become showers of blessing (Psalm 84:6).

heard this for the first time this morning. thanks Phil for lending Olivia's cd to me :)

I'll Move On

This road that I'm taking twists and turns

My life my chance turning dreams into reality.

Down this path faced with many things.

Sometimes I feel like giving up and turn away.

Can't seem to go on.

And I've been thru' this before.

Now where am I?

Where do I stand?

A little lost here.

But I'll remember.

All those times you've bought me thru'.

I'd be a fool to give up cos' the goal is near.

I'll move on I'll go on.

Lord I will take your hand.

And you will guide me along.

Survive thru' this storm.

So I say, come what may.

I'll hold on to my hope.

Yes, I will walk down this road.

And my passion drive will lead me on.

Here I am once again caught in the rain.

Looking back I've come so far and I want to carry on.

Take a step at a time It's alright.

Even thru' this rain, I want to smile again.

Don't hold back now.

And I've been thru' this before.

Now where am I?

Where do I stand?

A little lost here.

But I'll remember.

All those times you've bought me thru'.

I can feel the sun shining down on me.

Here I am, Here I am.

Lord I will take your hand.

And you will guide me along.

Survive thru' this storm.

So I say, come what may.

I'll hold on to my hope.

Yes, I will walk down this road.

And my passion drive will lead me on.

Fade Away

I just wanna say hello to you

But you’re not lookin’ my way

Like you trying to act cool

I think I lost my mind

Back there and then

Oh how I let my feelings go

You see, I know it’s just a crush

And a crush won’t ever last long

No one’s forcing it, boy

So you I’ll put aside

Thought friends we would be

Oh, boy…

Sadly you took my smile away

Every time you look my way

It fades away

I think it’s best it stays this way

Every time you look my way

Yeah, it fades away

You just wanna say hello to me

Now the table’s turned

I’m not lookin’ your way

Don’t get it wrong

Oh, it’s twisted up

Alright let’s make this story short

You see, I know it’s just a crush

And a crush won’t ever last long

No one’s forcing it, boy

So you I’ll put aside

Thought friends we would be Oh, boy…

Sadly you took my smile away

Every time you look my way

It fades away I think it’s best it stays this way

Every time you look my way

Yeah, it fades away

Whao…

Why did it have to go down this way?

I’ll admit I feel you when you are near

Maybe baby we got it all wrong

Sadly you took my smile away

Every time you look my way

It fades away

I think it’s best it stays this way

Every time you look my way

Yeah, it fades away

turned my mourning into dancing

i am so tired... only 4 hours of sleep and i am struggling to hold it together. to be patient, to focus on people talking, to organise myself, and to retain short term memory.



Jesus you are so so good!

oh gosh i've never been more excited. i just wanted to start dancing and singing songs of praise! i was staring off into the distance, smiling at some secret i shared with my Father, feeling the eyes of the guy in front of me follow my gaze into the distance, probably wondering what i was smiling at!

maybe it was the music i had been listening to, all the songs we sang at Mission 2002, and the photos Lucy had posted! de ja vu moment again as i was transported back and thought of happier days, even in the midst of struggling to grow up (yes, that age of 16 to 17) and being so rebellious (oh gosh, nickie can testify to my rebelliousness!), of first loves found and lost... oh the days of my youth!

there is indeed a time and season for everything. people say that time heals all wounds, but now i know, that isn't the truth. the truth is this: God heals all wounds! confess everything that is in your heart, sorrows, desires, hopes, anger, jealousy, dreams, ambitions, and lay them all at his feet. and he will surely take them all up :) and his joy will be my comfort and strength...

i did do one silly thing though. and for that split second, the shock of it threatened to knock me out as bitterness crept in and i thought of all that was stolen from me. and amazingly... i just felt a dull ache. no hyperventilating, no i'm-going-to-die reactions. and immediately, i gave thanks and really pray that he will continue to guard my heart at anything else that may be thrown at me.

blessed is me, on whom his grace has been bestowed!
rejoice in the Lord always :)

irony

why is it that jason is the one telling me "i told you so" now?!!
but, i must admit that he cares... offered something more than advice...
should i take it up?

moving back down

on Friday, we'll be moving to our shiny new office downstairs, back again to good old 15 floor.
sentimental me is reminiscing on the good times J and i had there...travellator!

i'll be sitting next to big bird.. he has already warned that there will be morse code tapping against the partition separating our desks! (note to self: better take lessons. in case he taps something hmm hmm and i don't even know it!)

OH! nolan kor kor gave me a present!! LOL a little mirror thing from Reuters that i can stick on my monitor and keep a look out at whoever is trying to sneak up on me. it used to work on nolan, me sneaking up and just whispering BOO in his ear was enough to make him jump! now it doesn't anymore cos he can see me coming :(

i've been feeling so emotionally stressed at work in the past 2 weeks or so... maybe more than that. and i finally figured out why. i do feel like i'm the one holding the team together, with all the clashes in recent weeks, i've become like a counsellor, protective mother, advisor, peace maker...

but everyone takes care of me too. no matter how bad things get in my life, i look forward to seeing them. they offer different perspectives, say to me, "look, at least...." and with so many kor kors around to watch for me even when they say things that make me FAINT!!! i'm sure i will make it through. so funny, that now, even when i'm super upset and super bad mood, big bird and mnb aren't scared of me anymore, instead they kajio me senseless until i smile again -__-

thank you Lord for the little things that keep me going each day..

cut off my air supply please!

i hate air supply.
why is it that i keep hearing that evil love ballad "all out of love"?!!
EMO EMO EMO!!!

but there is something that i've come to accept. and really, it's not so bad because there are people around to help me get through this. and of course, my own determination. had another good talk with miss phua...many many confessions about almost everything =/

sufferings? afflictions? they just don't compare to the cross..

God will not let me suffer more than i am able to. that even in all this, i know that i am SO BLESSED!!! blessed with "family" who really know what i'm going through because they have walked down this road before. all their guidance means so much to me, they're the people God has put in my life to help me keep walking, to say the words He would say.

and you know the really amazing thing that has come out of all these? somehow, i feel that God is using this for me to help others. i'm amazed that people would actually open up to me and for me to encourage them on, to turn to the Father... indeed, when i am weak, he is strong.

the biggest problem i've been having is sleep. it's bad enough that i have trouble falling asleep and having that little amount of sleep cut short from horrible nightmares, now i'm afraid of sleeping because of said nightmares. imagine getting so emotionally hurt in my sleep that i wake up to find that i've been crying, my pillow and cheeks soaked in tears...

actually i really wonder how and why one person can cause me so much distress. what gives her the authority or right to affect me? to make me feel this way?

i look back at myself just less than a year ago and i see someone who was so excited about her future, someone who had so much ambition and dreams, someone who liked to laugh and make others laugh too.. i seem to be just a faint shadow of the person i used to be.

According to Wikipedia... Insomnia is a sleeping disorder characterized by persistent difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep despite the opportunity. It is typically followed by functional impairment while awake. Insomniacs have been known to complain about being unable to close their eyes or "rest their mind" for more than a few minutes at a time.

i really need sleep. good, restful sleep. my mind feels so sluggish.

trust and obey

not too long ago, i asked someone why he made a certain decision with his life.

he told me that he had prayed about it and all other doors were closed, that this was the only one open and he knew that this was the way God was leading him.

life is not always easy, nor is it ever simple. but i believe that God has put certain people in my life to help to see me through the tough times. and that i need to call on Jesus when the darkness is all i can see and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

when they used to make us go for leadership camps, one of the most common game they would make us play is the "trust" game - where they make u climb onto a table or chair, close ur eyes and free fall backwards into the waiting arms of strangers (maybe some friends... they like scheduling this activity first, before everyone gets to know each other). most of the time, you wonder to some extent, how you would know that these people won't drop you. for me, i worry that they would be surprised how heavy this seemingly small girl actually is, and in their un-readiness for this deadweight, would like buckle and drop me (accidentally, of course).

as i stand there, i would look back down on all the eyes fixed on me, arms out and ready, everyone waiting in anticipation as i get ready to take the plunge... "don't drop me!" i would say jokingly, which would be greeted by responses of eye-rollings and dry laughters. but i would be assured that so many hands will be able to catch me, that's why i looked back, to check that the hands were outstretched and ready.

then i close my eyes and all i can see is the darkness. then i would become fearful. what if they weren't strong enough to catch me? i start to doubt because i can no longer see the people there to catch me. if they walked away, i wouldn't even know. and it's going to be a hard fall when i hit the ground... but, a deep breath would be taken and entrust my safety the people i knew were there (even though i can't see them), and lean back to fall into their waiting arms.

that would be the best way to describe what i'm going through now and how i am feeling about my circumstances. all i can see is a sea of darkness, not even a the faint glow from a lighthouse. but i know that even though i can't see God, he is there, ready to catch me. he can see me even though i can't see him. i just need to trust in him and let go of everything, surrender everything to him and lean on him.

when God spoke to me, it wasn't a still small voice. it wasn't even a thundering boom. it wasn't in a crowded train. it wasn't in the silence of my room. it wasn't even in a dream.

instead, he had given me wisdom and understanding, revealed them little by little, felt in my heart a peace that transcends all understanding. it wasn't a ding ding!, light bulb going off in my head moment, but a slow realisation from the wisdom God has given me by grace.

and i do trust that he will keep providing for me, in every way.

i have tasted and i have seen the wonders of his faithfulness.

one day, somewhere over the rainbow....

to know or not to know? that is the question...

most times, things just don't work out the way we want them to.
i am really tired, exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally.
i'll admit that i've got more than i can handle. and tears don't solve problems.
tears don't move people as well.

but i have to remember to pray for others as well.
there are friends and family who need help too. and i've been so self-absorbed to think of them.

i'm so scared. scared to know.
will i be hurt again? the last time i wanted to know something was just yesterday and it had hurt like hell.
could i just live with things left unsaid?
questions left unanswered?
let's not kid ourselves, i won't be able to do it. because i just have to know everything.

soul are you weary?

it has been a long shitty day.
and i've noticed that lately, i've become more vulgar and don't care who hears it...bad.
all the politics seem to be tearing my relationships apart.
Lord, please don't let me become bitter and upset over this!
it hurt so much, maybe some things are better left unknown...
now i know why curiosity killed the cat.
so many four-letter words come to mind...
really glad that big bird, mnb and E are there for me...
and the most frustrating thing was that you didn't, no wouldn't listen to me, to what i had to say, to explain...
i shouldn't dwell on it any more. i have enough problems as it is.


CONGRATULATIONS to my baby sister who can now DRIVE!!!
then she can pick me up from the airport and send me off *be prepared for tears!
but my poor baby called me tonight...late...in tears, sobbing over an argument with mummy.
and my heart really broke cos she was really REALLY upset...
i just wanted to be there to hug her and wipe away her tears as she slowly falls asleep...


i wish she was here to do the same for me...


struggles- i've been eating a lot, overeating...
BIG breakfasts, lunches and dinners, plus snacking in between :(
so so so not good.
and i'm thinking about eating almost ALL the time...why? :'(

i am so grateful to miss phua :)
i had actually thought, just a few hours earlier, that i should just forget about it. that there will be questions left unanswered, that to deal with it i just have to chastise myself for dwelling on this when i had bigger problems demanding my attention.
but it's really good to talk, to at least put words to those thoughts zipping through my mind.
and to know that God has put friends who understand and can sympathise and give me direction. not just to say, this is what you SHOULD do, and expect it to be as easy as that.
thanks for all the advice GP, but i'm still a bit lost about what to do...

i was still in such a foul mood when i got home, i was a bit mean.
how do you even know that i was referring to you? are you just being presumptous??
oh gosh, i hate message history sometimes...
i shouldn't live in this bubble, remembering, reading, wondering...assuming...

recently i've been contemplating, thinking over, wondering, if i should be serving.
just a thought...
i don't even know why...
just feeling very useless lately.

need to really find the motivation to study too...

SOOOO cute!

saw this little cutie on the way to ABC! i want one too!!!

smothered

4 cents... 4 cents that caused a surge of anger and frustration and...
perhaps it had all been piling up deep inside and finally,
like a volcano, everything just erupted and the anger consumes everything in its path.

life is really so trying! even my cd drive on my laptop doesn't want to work!!!
w trah fls;hahr cnhawemhf;lakhesdf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just thinking back on my first year at college, and how Judy absolutely HATED guys!
maybe i don't hate guys, but i do want to slap them!
exhibit 1:
big bird called me about 4 times this morning... ahh yes, E was right...counseling sessions..
i'm a good listener (and i hope 'he' knows and remembers that, because i'll always be here to do just that... and i do miss those times...)
big bird & mnb are such good companions on those super sian days (which is everyday)
anyway big bird said something damn funny and damn duhz and so really deserved a slap!
how can you say such things to a girl?!! oh dear...
everytime he starts talking such nonsense, mnb will be there to remind him that he "cannot say this kind of things in front of michelle! she's a girl leh..."
but they make me laugh so hard i get tummy aches and tears in my eyes!
exhibit 2:
and he who shall not be named, who has completely ripped apart and stomped on my hopes for the future... don't be so cold, don't be a stranger...
makes me think of that song Apologize (note American spelling) and how oh-wise-one said that it's never too late to apologise...
the slaps came for how he left me and just walked away, leaving me speechless... ok, so he did come back (and i really shouldn't add that it's too late but..)
exhibit 3:
me and him were talking about respective feelings of emptiness and loneliness,
decided that we should spend more time with each other..
then he goes and says that STUPID thing that just made me STARE and FAINT and... sighs..
tyq says that she always thought we would have worked out if it wasn't for that girl..
well dear, i know the points you mentioned were very valid BUT i do know that he isn't the one.
just the sixth sense feeling... and remembering mummy's words that it's difficult to change people, even with love. and how true that is, only He can change hearts and minds..

i admit i am still so anxious.. but i do feel myself letting go a bit more each day.
and i shouldn't feel this way, that i know that no matter how bad things seem to be, He is ever faithful and i only need to trust in Him and His plans for me.
hmm... i don't think i've ever shared how bad things were when we moved to aus. perhaps, a little bit of it but not the whole picture.. except maybe for one person..
but really, after everything that has happened, how can i not remember that God's plan is more wonderful? the struggles only strengthens us, helps us grow... and i will never forget mummy's faith, so strong and unwavering, though i'm certain there were times where she would cry out in helplessness at the hopelessness of circumstances and situations. but i have also seen His grace and mercy..

oh and thank you so very much to Fifi. your words do make a lot of sense, perhaps a part of me still refuses to let go, hanging on to hope.. but like what Yaya also says, don't want to hang on to false or high hopes.
it's funny... there is still some kind of peace within, that though the cuts are deep, i'm not mourning as much as i would. only a sense of betrayal and hurt and i just need some time to clear out my closet and hoping that there will not be any scars left, that the healing will be complete. just like the cut on my palm... the pain forgotten, the scar faded
things between us just seems so superficial and i feel sad, a sense of loss.. i still want to confide and talk for hours and to hear your complaints (even if it's always about the same person), for your advice, for your lameness...

ok forget thoughts of studying today! i'm gonna finally take myself to ikea to get storage stuff and then CLEAR OUT all my clothes and JUNK and then settle into my cool (hopefully a/c gets fixed this arvo) room with novels that i have started but not finished, and then time-out in front of the tv (青蛙王子!), and an early night!

de ja vu again...
this time from mission photos by Lucy. it feels like a lifetime ago...but it has only been 6 years!
really precious time spent with Kat and Nick... what has happened to us now?
Jesus, you are my best friend and you will always be..nothing will ever change that!
remembering... Simon on the drums, trying to learn from Bas... :p
Queenie, hot new teacher Superman!, mrs gibson..
johnno's eyebrows...
jandowae outing..
FREEZING cold winter nights.. huddled together in our sleeping bags, all the girls sleeping in one big classroom, the boys in a SMALL room!
building barricades with mattresses..
miss miss miss!!!

Lord, i am truly grateful for all that you've provided, though i left family and friends and a life that is familiar to follow your calling here, and i'm sure that there is still much more to learn and do and that i'm here for a purpose, whatever that may be. pray that you would continue to lead me and guide me, that i will not be afraid of what tomorrow may bring. may your perfect love, peace and joy be my strength to guard my heart and mind, that i will stand firm in your love. give me patience and to persevere despite trials that sap every ounce of energy in me. refresh me as i find my rest in you. :)

“I’m too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed.

I refuse to be discouraged, to be sad or to cry.

I refuse to be down hearted and here’s the reason why:

I have a God who is almighty; who is sovereign and supreme.

I have a God who loves me – and I am on His team.

He is all wise and powerful; Jesus is His name.

Though everything else is changeable, My God remains the same.

I refuse to be beaten or defeated.

My eyes are on my God.

He has promised to be with me, as through this life I trod.

I am looking past my circumstances, to heaven’s throne above.

My prayers have reached the heart of God and I am resting in His love.

I give thanks to Him in everything.

My eyes are on His face.

The battle is His; the victory is mine; He will help me win the race.

I repeat!

I’m too blessed to be stressed!”

(Author unknown)

Sounds in the night.
Crickets. Geckos. Toads.
A baby wails- piercing screams
In pain. In hunger. In neglect.
Echoes of my bleeding heart.
No hope. No future.
Destitution.
The earth goes on spinning
The clock keeps ticking
The crickets. The geckos. The toads
continue the music of the night.
I lie here. Waiting.

I close my eyes and pray
Show me Your Grace and Mercy,
Take me to your kingdom
now. Release me from
the suffering and pain. Fill
me with Your Peace and Love.
I never want to wake up again.

Steal me away in the darkness of the night. That I will wake up to Your Light.
Patience.

A cold winter night
The air still and clear
Misty fog shrouded lonely street lamps
It was 12.07am.
She climbed The Bridge
Each step a small victory.
Leaden legs lead the way
With every step a lie shatters a fragile heart,
warmth faded with every lie.
"You are the only one who understands me."
Shatter.
"Let's fly away from here."
Shatter.
"I will wait for you."
Shatter.
No tears in her icy stare
Red hot liquid streamed down
from wounded wrists from
cold broken glass pressed
against cold white hands.
A heart that beats no more
will never feel the pain.
Slowly, steadily, never hestitating
she finally reached the top.
"You should put your trust in God."
She didn't close her eyes.
No courage, no fear.
Just one step. And she was flying.
The shattered heart was no more.

Puddles of hot liquid stained my pillow.
Bitterness brewed.
Nostalgia angrily stabbed at my back.

In a silent room,
so deafening, so torturous.
A face flashes over and over.
Moments from the past
coming to life
Trapped. Alone. In the silent room.

Can you hear?
The gentle lapping of the waves.
The distant chirps of the birds.
The kookaburra singing.
The rustles of leaves.
The quiet whistle of the breeze.
The angry sizzle of bacon in the pan.
The low bubbling of boiling water.
The sweet notes of music playing.
The squeals and giggles of children playing.
The still small voice of the Lord,
gently calling you to draw near, to feel
His warm embrace, calling you home.

Can you hear?
That I will no longer call your name.
Nor remember those words,
vain promises that eluded me.
Nor hold precious those moments past.
I will forget those
eyes, hands, neck, stomach.
And my heart will harden so
I never make the same mistakes again.