it's such a contradiction. i was brought up with plenty of hugs and kisses. i need them. but now, i'm scared of the intimacy of a mere touch, of me touching someone or someone touching me. i want a hug, i'm crying out for one. but i feel myself tense up, giving out vibes that i don't want anyone near me.
i only consciously realised how fearful i was this morning, when D reached out for my hand. and i noticed that every lesson, he would at some point hold my hand to ask me something, usually if he had been a good boy or not. and how i would tense and as he continued on with his work, still holding on to my hand, how i would gently pull away my hand.
just the other day, i was standing over A's desk when big bird came over and saw my hands resting on A's desk. and big bird goes, "oh... shiny nails... can i touch?" i wasn't sure if he was kidding or not so just went, "erm..... okayyyyyyyyyy........." and then he went to touch my nails -__- both A and i were speechless! and i felt weird, like i would never have felt this way before, it's only nails for goodness' sake!
maybe i'm really just scared. i know i have nothing to fear, maybe just scared of myself. i know what i'm capable of, of so easily losing myself. transformation of mind, michelle!!! listen to the wise one's words ;) albeit plagiarised hahaha ok i'm really kidding!!!
but i admit that i had fallen, and then in the end, fallen so damn hard that it hurts like hell. but something to learn too... that God allows bad things to happen so that we will learn, and learn to depend on him is what i did. am doing.
perhaps, underlying everything, is the fear of rejection. something i thought i had gotten over...
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