i admit, there were so many times just in the last few months alone that i have cried out, cried out, why why why??? and why is God remaining silent?!! i wanted answers NOW! but there were also those times, when i wanted answers, BUT was too scared to know the answers to those questions and so, chose to go on wondering... waiting for the right time perhaps... but i was thinking last night, there will never be a right time. though time and God may heal the wounds, it may only just re-open those wounds (or cut another one that is just as deep). and so, i am learning, to commit it into His great hands and lean on him to carry me through. the burden may be there but it is lighter :)
i know that i think i have moved on. that i can just pretend to be so over the cruelties in life. but i'm just so easy to see through... and i wish it could be so easy. to just snap my fingers and it will all be over. but perhaps, God has a lesson for me to learn in this. sometimes i envy the ability of guys to compartmentalise everything. work is work, friends are friends, partners are partners. they don't cross over. whereas, if something else in life is bothering me, it means i have to work extra hard to get work done properly. the extra effort is taxing, and i get weak, and i fall sick. all because i feel everything in every way.
when i was younger i would always wish that time will pass faster, so that i can grow up and live a grown-up life, which always seemed much better than life as a little girl, sheltered and protected life... never having any real responsibilities. i couldn't wait to grow up. and now, i just want to be that little girl again, to have my parents shielding me from the big cruel world.
now, i need to wait on the Lord, trusting that he will provide for me, now and for eternity.
let me just share with you....
I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27: 13-14
I read a book a few years ago for couples discerning marriage called The Exclamation. The author pointed out that God could answer the question “Should I marry him/her” in only three ways: Yes. No. Wait.
I think the toughest of the three is, “Wait.” It’s not just that we live in an impatient society (we do), and it’s not just that we can be selfish, demanding creatures (we can), and it’s not just that we tend to want life on our own terms (we do) -- it’s that waiting requires surrender of one of man’s most precious commodities: time.
Our lives our finite. Each day is precious, each month, each year, because we only have but so many. So when the Infinite God whispers to His limited creatures, “Wait,” our responses often sound something like this:
“You see, you don’t get it, God. Sure, it’s easy for you to wait – you have all of eternity. But I really need some answers. You gave Amy answers, and Chuck answers, and Lori answers, so it’s only right and fair you give me answers. After all, you said ‘whoever seeks shall find’ and stuff, so now I’m seeking, and ‘wait’ just isn’t an acceptable response.”
I think it’s even tougher to wait when we have pain lingering in our pasts. We may wonder, “Why should I trust God? Last time everything ended in disaster.” I speak from experience here. I’ve had to wait on an answer to prayer for a long time now – even for someone of my youthful age. I know how tough it is to receive the umpteenth “not yet” from God. I know what it’s like to look back on painful deferments and feel like life is slipping by.
Yes, waiting isn’t for spiritual wimps, but for those strong of heart. Obeying a “not yet” from God requires true faith. It’s handing over our days and years and months to God, trusting that we won’t regret holding off. It’s believing God’s plan is truly the best plan even when several other enticing options tempt us. It’s deferring what is good for what is best.
And there’s the reward of waiting. Even in the midst of my own unanswered prayers, I still believe God isn’t out to get you or me. He doesn’t ask us to wait to torment us. In His infinitely perfect nature, He sees what we can’t and wants to give us more than we’re currently asking for. All the times I’ve ignored God’s “wait” and taken matters into my own hands, a lot of precious time was wasted. But those that wait on Him will experience joy that far surpasses any temporary pleasure that comes with forging ahead alone.
Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30: 5 (NAS)
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.
4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.
6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.
7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.
8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.
9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.
10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.
12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.
13 I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
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