smothered

4 cents... 4 cents that caused a surge of anger and frustration and...
perhaps it had all been piling up deep inside and finally,
like a volcano, everything just erupted and the anger consumes everything in its path.

life is really so trying! even my cd drive on my laptop doesn't want to work!!!
w trah fls;hahr cnhawemhf;lakhesdf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just thinking back on my first year at college, and how Judy absolutely HATED guys!
maybe i don't hate guys, but i do want to slap them!
exhibit 1:
big bird called me about 4 times this morning... ahh yes, E was right...counseling sessions..
i'm a good listener (and i hope 'he' knows and remembers that, because i'll always be here to do just that... and i do miss those times...)
big bird & mnb are such good companions on those super sian days (which is everyday)
anyway big bird said something damn funny and damn duhz and so really deserved a slap!
how can you say such things to a girl?!! oh dear...
everytime he starts talking such nonsense, mnb will be there to remind him that he "cannot say this kind of things in front of michelle! she's a girl leh..."
but they make me laugh so hard i get tummy aches and tears in my eyes!
exhibit 2:
and he who shall not be named, who has completely ripped apart and stomped on my hopes for the future... don't be so cold, don't be a stranger...
makes me think of that song Apologize (note American spelling) and how oh-wise-one said that it's never too late to apologise...
the slaps came for how he left me and just walked away, leaving me speechless... ok, so he did come back (and i really shouldn't add that it's too late but..)
exhibit 3:
me and him were talking about respective feelings of emptiness and loneliness,
decided that we should spend more time with each other..
then he goes and says that STUPID thing that just made me STARE and FAINT and... sighs..
tyq says that she always thought we would have worked out if it wasn't for that girl..
well dear, i know the points you mentioned were very valid BUT i do know that he isn't the one.
just the sixth sense feeling... and remembering mummy's words that it's difficult to change people, even with love. and how true that is, only He can change hearts and minds..

i admit i am still so anxious.. but i do feel myself letting go a bit more each day.
and i shouldn't feel this way, that i know that no matter how bad things seem to be, He is ever faithful and i only need to trust in Him and His plans for me.
hmm... i don't think i've ever shared how bad things were when we moved to aus. perhaps, a little bit of it but not the whole picture.. except maybe for one person..
but really, after everything that has happened, how can i not remember that God's plan is more wonderful? the struggles only strengthens us, helps us grow... and i will never forget mummy's faith, so strong and unwavering, though i'm certain there were times where she would cry out in helplessness at the hopelessness of circumstances and situations. but i have also seen His grace and mercy..

oh and thank you so very much to Fifi. your words do make a lot of sense, perhaps a part of me still refuses to let go, hanging on to hope.. but like what Yaya also says, don't want to hang on to false or high hopes.
it's funny... there is still some kind of peace within, that though the cuts are deep, i'm not mourning as much as i would. only a sense of betrayal and hurt and i just need some time to clear out my closet and hoping that there will not be any scars left, that the healing will be complete. just like the cut on my palm... the pain forgotten, the scar faded
things between us just seems so superficial and i feel sad, a sense of loss.. i still want to confide and talk for hours and to hear your complaints (even if it's always about the same person), for your advice, for your lameness...

ok forget thoughts of studying today! i'm gonna finally take myself to ikea to get storage stuff and then CLEAR OUT all my clothes and JUNK and then settle into my cool (hopefully a/c gets fixed this arvo) room with novels that i have started but not finished, and then time-out in front of the tv (青蛙王子!), and an early night!

de ja vu again...
this time from mission photos by Lucy. it feels like a lifetime ago...but it has only been 6 years!
really precious time spent with Kat and Nick... what has happened to us now?
Jesus, you are my best friend and you will always be..nothing will ever change that!
remembering... Simon on the drums, trying to learn from Bas... :p
Queenie, hot new teacher Superman!, mrs gibson..
johnno's eyebrows...
jandowae outing..
FREEZING cold winter nights.. huddled together in our sleeping bags, all the girls sleeping in one big classroom, the boys in a SMALL room!
building barricades with mattresses..
miss miss miss!!!

Lord, i am truly grateful for all that you've provided, though i left family and friends and a life that is familiar to follow your calling here, and i'm sure that there is still much more to learn and do and that i'm here for a purpose, whatever that may be. pray that you would continue to lead me and guide me, that i will not be afraid of what tomorrow may bring. may your perfect love, peace and joy be my strength to guard my heart and mind, that i will stand firm in your love. give me patience and to persevere despite trials that sap every ounce of energy in me. refresh me as i find my rest in you. :)