confused

thinking back,
i wonder...
did i fall in love with you,
or did i fall in love with the idea of you?

trust...
can you really trust someone who has lied to you?

it's weird, i think i really have hardened my feelings towards people. i'm still open, but i don't share. after much prodding on friday, i finally shared some of my past with big bird (who now wants to be called small bird, wait no, to be specific, tweety bird!!) and i was really scared. scared to where it may lead... closer friends... it's not that i don't want any close friends (or any more close friends) but just the things he says/tells me, makes me feel like running far away. and i know it's nothing, it's just me and all in my head, so i have to force myself to stop myself from running away and just face it.

i had a second installment to my first weird dream. so...... faints...... speechless!!!

-__- CK put my name on sparks as "dots....." yes, he did. i thought he would have changed it by now but NO!!! ok, so i still have him as "BabyCK"...

my daddy suggested that i go back, i can easily get a job (work for my parents loh!) or just do my masters... i admit, i actually thought that i would just go pack up right then and there and leave. sounds so easy right? but there are some things i cannot leave behind.

firstly, i'm sure God has brought me here for a reason, and surely i have matured?? that i have learnt to trust in his goodness and faithfulness, that he has indeed been there for me in my sufferings, and not only that but provided help for me on countless occasions! and everytime i was so close to........ let's not go into what i was close to thinking, to doing... but everytime, he brought me out of it. if this is where he wants me to be... sigh, i think i might understand what fiona must have thought last year... (dear, i'll share with you soon ok?)

secondly, how can i leave behind the girls?!! fiona, sinyee, xiao wei, yan qi... and then gp will be back soon too! ohhh..... my dear girlies.... it is definitely something that i will miss the most when i leave.

thirdly, not so small and JC2... how can i not love all the kids??!!! it's just impossible!! i really enjoyed today, preparing for parents day, working with the girls from our previous class... i've missed them... and not so small, who have been supporting me in prayer and helping me to learn and grow too. really miss wendy... i still remember her as the first person who reached out to me when i first joined, though both of us were quite closed... how she has changed ;) and will miss our wise leader (though sometimes i wish he would tell me things more straight forwardly so i don't have to think so much!) and siping :(

fourthly, most precious pao and est and chris, who will be back soon! i miss miss miss chris, the guy who shared my dreams of joining the ranks of the BB :) before he decided to shatter that dream by choosing equity research in HK! wahlaus.... don't go.... see lah, come back to spend 6 months with us, going back to do his honours then going to run off to HK!

fifthly, colleagues who have become good friends, people who i have confided in, share almost every day with...

then, there's my grandmother that i cannot leave here... i feel this burden that if i go, she won't make it. that she feels because i'm here, without my parents around, she's here to look after me, make sure i'm ok. if i leave.... i don't even want to think about it.

oh and yes, there is one more reason... which is also the reason that would make me say GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA! since time cannot be rewound, it will be easier to disappear... out of sight, out of mind... and we can pretend nothing ever happened. you know, sometimes there will be things that you just forget, simply can't remember... maybe it will be like that, if you don't have that constant reminder in front of you. it's not that i have problems moving on, because i'm out of that bubble, i am so clear that i'm afraid of what i'm seeing.

there are things that i wish for... most definitely... but, "not my will but yours be done". if it's in his will, it will come to pass....

but perhaps, the pull factor, to stay here... is that my heart is here, for now. yes i would love to go to aussieland to live, but it would only be because my family is there. friends, are so disposable... (perhaps a small insight to my life in aus). which makes it all the more worth staying here, the friends that i have made, friendships that i have built... never knew the full worth of that before. my heart is here because of the relationships i have, even if it's only friends and not family, but...

and i'm definitely healing... healing everything that has been broken in my life. there has been so much that has come rushing back to me for the past few weeks. lots of pain, yes, but you know what, also some things that had been excruciating have now left me feeling....OK! and then a lesson learnt also (thank God for wisdom!) that i have felt this burden to share with someone, but haven't done so yet... mainly because i don't want this person to feel like i'm telling him something/hinting at him... but the lesson is definitely starting to "haunt" me the longer i drag this on... =/ so... will you spare me some time to hear me out? i promise.... no emotions attached!